Sex

[LikeALampWithoutAShade]

My sex life with my partner is really struggling.

I've been concerned for some time that he doesn't find me sexually attractive.

This has really knocked my confidence and, despite my best efforts to challenge these thoughts, I'm now completely convinced he can only have sex with me if he's been aroused by seeing someone he finds sexually attractive and fantasising about them or has been watching something sexually arousing.

We have sex once a fortnight on averge but I just feel dirty and used afterwards.

Over the past week or so, he has shown more interest in me sexually (although we haven't actually done anything sexual at all) and I can feel myself shut down.

I have a vague recollection of a recent exchange where he him suggested a full body massage. I asked who would be massaging who and he said it didn't matter as long as we were both naked. The conversation didn't go any further because I didn't respond but it's like I had completely blocked it out because I read something earlier that reminded me of it but now I can't even tell if it was a real conversation or a dream I had!

He's made a couple of 'thoughtless' comments of that nature not really bad just a bit why would you say that?

These have never been negative comments about me.

Echoing what other people are saying as the more you post the more it really does seem like it is in your head. It' sounds like you've lost all self confidence. You said in an earlier post your husband has told you he finds you funny yet you left the bar as you felt he couldn't be enjoying himself. He obviously likes your company or wouldn't have organised a date with you?
If he wasn't interested I'm sure he would have chosen to go with a friend instead of you. It sounds like he very much does want to be in your company.

Can you pinpoint when everything changed? When was the last time you felt sexy and enjoyed sex. This might help figure out what caused it and how to get it back

@Bobbotgegrinch this is a really helpful post from the other side of things for the op .

Can you pinpoint when everything changed? When was the last time you felt sexy and enjoyed sex. This might help figure out what caused it and how to get it back

It changed when he made the comment about never having seen me or thought about me "like that". I felt like I'd been punched. So the last time will have been before that. Which is why I feel dirty and used.

Until then it didn't really matter that he thought about other women "like that" (even though I didn't want to hear it) because everyone does and I believed that he felt that way about me too. After he said that, everything else became more significant. And I just lost all the confidence I had in myself. After that, it just felt like it was all a lie. He said it last summer and I tried to tell myself it didn't matter because not everyone can be beautiful, gorgeous or sexy. But it's just totally destroyed how I feel about myself.

I just started to feel shit about myself and I started to lose confidence sexually. For the past couple of months, I havent been able to look at him afterwards and its just made me feel worse about myself. I've really tried to talk myself into seeing it differently but I can't.

We're not married. We've been together for 2 years and 8 months.

I still take every opportunity I can to get a peek of her with her clothes off, and when I'm horny I'm thinking about sex with her, because she knows exactly what I like and I know exactly what she likes, and whether is sleepy morning sex or very drunk messy sex, or having to be very quiet because DD won't bloody go out sex, it's always going to be good sex.

That's really lovely but my partner wouldn't be able to say that about me.

I have no idea what he likes really because he's never told me anything and hasn't answered me when I've asked.

He's told me he'd love it if I went down on him more but, whenever I do, he pushes me away after a few seconds. I've never had any complaints before so I'm not doing anything horrendous! I've asked him what he likes amd he says what I'm doing is perfect. I just think he must find it off putting because he can see me and it just reminds him that he doesn't actually find me attractive.

It must be pretty unappealing to look down and see someone you dont actually find attractive with their mouth around your cock.

He doesn't really want me to do anything to him. He pushes me away quite quickly in favour of piv. But has never told me what he likes so what can I do?

I think he must feel sorry for me that he feels that way. He's very attentive to me because he likes doing it but then seems to want to get his part over and done with quickly because it's just a means to an end. That's how I feel.

I can't even watch romcom films anymore or anything with a portrayal of love and relationships because I just don't recognise it in my own life and it just makes me feel sad.

He's a really good man. He'd do anything for me and I know he loves me but he just isn't attracted to me that way.

Again, you're ascribing feelings to him you have no idea he has.

How do you know hes pushing you off him because he's not enjoying it. If he really thought you were that hideous surely it'd be far easier to lie back, close his eyes and fantasise about someone else.

Isn't it far more likely that you're about to make him orgasm and he doesn't want things to end to soon?

And you say he's happy to pleasure you? Men don't generally spend ages doing that with someone they don't fancy.

You're seeing things that aren't there.

Your relationship is quite short (2.5years) in the grand scheme of life so to be blunt I don't see how it is going to last. If you've been hanging onto his comment for a year and still haven't gotten past it I imagine it's only going to get worse as he will do or say something else that triggers insecurities.

I think the kindest thing to do is break up and work on yourself.

Sounds to me that this is a case of very low self esteem OP.
You are beautiful 😍

Isn't it far more likely that you're about to make him orgasm and he doesn't want things to end to soon?

Not after 5 seconds. I mean, I've always considered myself pretty good at it. It's always something I've felt confident doing but I'm not that good!

He clearly just doesn't enjoy it so either I'm not doing it how he likes but he won't tell me how he does like it or he just finds me off putting.

Could he be bisexual / gay

I very much doubt it. No reason to think that.

You clearly have a very low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities. When this happens, people nitpick on every little action of the other person and create a negative, non-existent scenario as a means of finding a reason for said behaviour. It can be very difficult to live with such a person because they constantly need reassurance and any careless gesture can be misconstrued in a big way. Your constant feeling of unattractiveness and feeling sorry for your partner is likely to create major problems for your relationship because it is tiring.
Looking at some other woman at a restaurant doesn't mean that he doesn't fancy you. There are good looking people all around us and being in a relationship doesn't mean that we are blind to that. It is natural to glance and look. The fact that you are comparing your life to a rom-com, again shows a certain level of immaturity of thought because such movies are meant to be fantasies and fun.
And if you are not ready to be a giving, mature adult, then maybe this is not the right time for a relationship, as your feelings will only intensify with time. I suggest that you go for therapy to work on these issues and uncover the reasons for them. These negative thoughts are draining you and your relationship.

I'm not comparing my life to a romcom, I just meant that I can't watch anything, even action films, if there is a hint of a relationship, love or sex because I can feel the huge elephant lumbering into the room and it makes me uncomfortable.

He must be able to see it too.

Have you actually spoken to him about how you're feeling?

This sounds exhausting, for both of you.

If he really does feel this platonic way about you - and I'm not convinced he does - why do you think he hasn't just split up with you?

And if you feel he really doesn't properly feel attracted to you and is just 'going through the motions', don't you want to end the relationship? Why have you gone along with it? I'm not having a go, I want to get you to think this through.

@LikeALampWithoutAShade why would he stay with you if he isn't attracted to you? It doesn’t sound like you have any children together. Why waste your time also. I'm sure there is someone out there who would find you attractive and make you feel good about yourself. What are your ages?
Do you have children yourself?

I've tried to but its difficult. I don't think he understands. He just tells me he loves me.

But he also denies having said the things he's said or says he doesn't remember saying it so can't explain it but it doesn't really matter because nothing he says helps. i dont ever feel good about myself anymore. I go to work and I go out with him sometimes but I rarely leave the house now because I can't bear to be around other people and just can't really he bothered to make the effort. And I feel really uncomfortable when I do.

But I also think he thinks it's something I only think about now and again. I don't think he understands its there all the time. When I wake up, when I'm at work, when I go out, when I watch TV, when I'm walking round the supermarket, lying in bed, in the shower, eating my dinner. All the time.

I've never had a good relationship.

Part of me just doesn't want to admit I've failed again.

I've been telling myself it doesn't matter and that the relationship can't give me everything and does it really matter if he isn't attracted to me?

And we do get on really well aside from this if ignore it.

I think you really need to make a doctors appointment and talk to someone about how you are feeling about yourself, your self worth is worryingly low.
If you want your relationship to continue, you need couples therapy, as really with your two very different communication styles and these unaddressed underlying issues I’m sorry but it is doomed.
I really do hope you can find a way forward together.

i dont ever feel good about myself anymore. I go to work and I go out with him sometimes but I rarely leave the house now because I can't bear to be around other people and just can't really he bothered to make the effort. And I feel really uncomfortable when I do.

Ok, even if, IF you're right about your husband, you must get that this is a hugely abnormal reaction to it.

You're unwell @LikeALampWithoutAShade , your issues around your appearance are affecting every area of your life, and you're never going to believe your husband is attracted to you when you're thinking like this. Please seek help, see your GP, or get some private therapy.

Are you considerably older than him OP? Sorry to ask seen this happen in relationships where a guy is attracted like a friendship and enjoys there company and feel seen but the sexual side just isn’t compatible long term.

"I think he thinks I think" is never going to work. You also have communication issue. You can't have a goor relationship or good sex without good com. Just saying.

No. Im younger than him, but this is what it feels like. I can see he is attracted to me but it is like a friendship attraction and not a relationship/sexual attraction. I couldn't explain it properly myself.

@LikeALampWithoutAShade I can relate to what you are saying. I wrote a similar post about 6 months ago and part of it was about feeling confused in my relationship with my partner. I need that verbal validation that he finds me attractive and I don’t really get that apart from him telling me I look “nice “ before we go out or him telling me how much I turn him on when we are having sex. I feel these tinges of sadness and I think it’s not just a confidence thing but partly a need of mine is not being met. I don’t want to end the relationship as a lot of my needs are being met ( sex, affection, family life, enjoying the same hobbies / interests). Part of my issue might be that I was objectified by my ex DH esp when younger. He would treat me as a prize and love to show me off when younger and then when we had DC as a family. I know you are probably torturing yourself on the daily and you sound like you are too.