Throwing away a potential good thing over initial attraction ?

[Pinkflowersxo]

Hey everyone , so coming here for some advice please ❤️

Background of me : I was in a 9 year abusive relationship where I experienced a lot of trauma / infront of our children 🙈 I had him reported left the relationship & haven't looked back since.

I'll be honest I grew up in a rough area and often had relationships with drug dealers / bad men

I've recently come back into contact with an old friend...

He is SO kind , so sweet , lovely , respects women he's ambitious and driven works hard owns his own home is responsible and honestly we've been talking the last 4 days and he makes me laugh. He really makes me laugh. He wants kids and believes in family values he used to really like me years back but I was young and stupid.

He hasn't been pushy with me and respects that I have been through a lot we are simply getting to know eachother.

The only thing is I don't feel like I am completely attracted to him. He's tall, good looking , brilliant body he models but I want to say sometimes I feel he leans a little "feminine" he's very masculine but sometimes it's the way he talks it sounds so silly. There is some attraction but I am finding myself picking out things that I don't like. Imperfections I guess such as his lisp or his haircut. SO bad I know.

Is this my self Sabotaging behaviour? I don't pick people apart in my day to do but for some reason it's like some kind of reflex to do this when I meet a man who is really lovely but I'm not instantly attracted to.

I feel like it's really silly to not give somebody a chance of at least getting to know them simply because I don't instantly feel physically attracted ? Should it feel instant or do you believe it can grow ? It's not a complete ew no way not ever. But when I talk to him and he's there for me and supports me I feel inside like he is just the most sweetest man ever I've never experienced a man who is so kind but also funny. He thinks I'm amazing and it's honestly so sweet.

Basically just wanting advice I am really trying to change my ways so I don't end up in another bad situation. He is putting no pressure on me we are just friends.

Did any of you ever have attraction grow with your DP? Inside I don't want to let him pass me by because he is so lovely I feel it's worth at least giving a chance since I gave my horrible ex years of chances despite him being a horrible person to me and our children.

Thank you in advance xxx

I’m an absolute slow burn. I’ve only had a few partners but I never felt that instant attraction to any of them. I think if you like this person enough to feel there’s something worth exploring then spend time with him and see if you start to feel a spark over the next few weeks.

I wasn’t massively attracted to Dh when we first met. He’s lovely and respectful and ambitious and so funny and completely devoted to me. But he wasn’t my ‘type’ at all. He was also 7 years younger.

I thought why the heck not? What’s the worst that could happen? 15 years later, it’s been the healthiest, most wonderful relationship. He is truly the most fantastic guy. And I do find him very attractive now.

It was just that back then when we first met, my ‘type’ was lying cheating arseholes. And I struggled to get over the whole ‘bad boy’ thing. I was definitely setting myself up for failure in previous relationships chasing some stupid ideal which just led to men treating me like crap. Once I became open to a relationship feeling a bit different, not being all about the big highs and lows, actually I found someone really great.

I would absolutely give it a chance. The worst that happens is you decide it’s not for you. It can be hard to find a healthy, good relationship attractive when you’re used to the excitement of someone dicking you around.

As this vibes me hope.. Honestly he's the sweetest man I've ever met he really gets me we have so much in common. It sounds so stupid but I have never been with Someone before who truly makes me feel like he loves every little thing about me down to my laugh, just me. I too have been with cheaters in the past and constantly felt like I had to earn their attention. My ex (child's father) would barely and rarely compliment me even if I got ready on a night out people would always say your girlfriend is so beautiful and one time he said after a night out in the car "people Always say you're pretty everyone we go out it's mad" and I didn't take anything bad from it but realise he was keeping me down, anyway , I'm going to give this guy a chance and start as friends I feel like we've connected so much already and he's really supported me through a hard time today xxxx

Thank you I think I am definitely going to see where things go xx

In my past I picked partners on initial attraction then personality , however I’ve never met anyone before who makes me feel so “safe” and appreciated. I wonder what it takes for a relationship to stand the test of time. (Slightly inspired by love is blind 🤣) but I’m going to see where this goes I think..

Haha this reminds me of me a little bit! I didn't feel an instant spark with my partner, it was a little bit more of a slow burn. I always felt he was good looking, but I thought of him as a "delicate flower". Turns out that he was just very nervous and not being his complete self. As I saw more and more of him, the attraction and the love grew. So maybe you can keep seeing him and see if something grows?

I very much believe in initial attraction, however it didn't serve me well as a teen. When I met DH (we were 17) I absolutely was not attracted to him. Not my type: short, sports lad, baby face. However, he made me laugh so much the first time I met him and I wanted to see him again.

Strangely, he's grown into my type! He grew 6 inches and gained weight/muscle the summer we got together!!! Suddenly got facial hair and is now tall, tanned, fit and handsome. Anyway maybe not the same but people change and attraction can be slow burning.

This is me speaking 15 years on. Married and with kids, and a great DH

Ah this is really interesting!! Because the thing is for me it's a bit in reverse... I knew him from 10 years ago before he was a full time model.

He was a bit more bulky , a bit more fat on him .. facial hair a little bit more rugged. His personality still very much the same as it is now. But I look at his old pictures and I am SO attracted to him.

I think since he has been modelling he's not allowed facial hair , he's much more skinner and has to have a very clean short hair cut which really makes him look more "feminine" as bad as that sounds. I like a manly looking man I like facial hair etc 🙈🤣

I would never want someone to change themselves for me but I'm just hoping maybe I can look past it haha xx

Aw this is sweet.. yeah makes a lot of sense I think what's always got me was I always went for the bad boys who I was instantly weak at the knees for but their personality really didn't have too much going on for them. Some positive things I guess but nothing I would run onto mums net and talk about 🤣☕️🙈.. they often ended up being cheaters and the initial "spark" I feel like is because they are confident and they probably have this "spark" with every woman they meet 🙈 xx

In my experience - slow burn relationships can turn out to be better.

If you go on initial attraction, you put far too much weight on how they look, which we all know isn't an indicator of what they are like / how well you'll get on. And looks change.

If you go on initial attraction, you can dismiss people who would be a perfect match for you, just because they don't tick your 'ideal' physical boxes.

When you get to know someone better, and discover they are kind, decent, funny, interesting and interested in you, you become more physically attracted to them.

By which time, it's win - win. You fancy them physically, and you know you're a good match in terms of character.

If you go by initial looks / 'chemistry' alone, you'll miss out on getting to know someone who might have been perfect.

Aw this is lovely to read. Yeah I feel like as I am getting nearer to 30 I am starting to really appreciate the good qualities of a person around help a relationship last long term. I have to say there is SOME type of attraction I don't know if it's his personality I'm drawn to and his height maybe, I'm hoping the rest can grow xxx

Read up on Repetition Compulsion.
Your brain is wired to recreate the environment that was your normal as a child.
For you, a healthy relationship, will be weird and uncomfortable and you will probably sabotage it.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me I'm going to look into this because it makes so much sense XXX

Actually, if you're interested in trying to work out why you self sabotage, it's worth reading up on Structural Disocciation as well, particularly as it sounds like you've had a traumatic childhood.
eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/
It sounds complicated but it makes sense when you read up on it.

Just be careful that you're not being lovebombed as you seem to be gushing about how perfectly he behaves and already decided he's great after only 4 days of talking to him. Any man can appear great after only 4 days, it takes a lot longer for the mask to slip. You should give it more time before deciding.

Thank you ! I knew him through out college so he's not a complete stranger but I will definitely be on my guard he hasn't put any type of pressure on me xx

Did you kiss ?

It might be self protection. I didn't fancy my DH when we met or some time in the beginning, but I recognised his traits and qualities and how he was treating me, how it was natural and flowing. Then once I got to know him and started trusting him something happened and I started fancying/wanting him like crazy.

I too had a rough start and until age 23 dated drug dealers, violent thugs and jail birds. I married the first guy who opened doors for me, bought me flowers and owned a car which was texted, MOTd and insured! Big, big mistake as there was no chemistry from the start, only respectability. The good news is, there are respectable, good guys with whom you'll feel a big whoosh of attraction. Hold out for one of those! I found one at 36 and he was definitely worth the wait.

Taxed not texted!

Not yet xx

Aww this is lovely , what kind of things was it that he did for you that helped you to fall for him xx

Thank you ! This is also a really interesting perspective! Xx

Give it a little time, OP