Out of the blue, the wife of my daughter's dad has reached out as an intermediary to try and get them to reconnect. Ex and his wife seem to have a lovely life, are financially well off, no worries etc. so good for them.
DD doesn't speak to her dad as he was very difficult to deal with when she was a child and made demands of her she was just not prepared to meet, so after a particularly fractious visit, she left his house and has never been back in touch with him since. Nor he with her.
8 years later when DD is 23, she receives contact from his wife who I have to say is a very nice woman. No problem so far.
The wife then asks for a private f2f chat with DD so she can air her grievances and go into some of the detail of why she doesn't want a relationship with her dad. DD agrees and the conversation didn't even get to the topic before the wife started telling her that she is on the brink of leaving him due to his intolerable behaviour, verbal abuse, lack of empathy and social skills etc. etc. This has apparently been going on for the 8 years they have been married and the very reason why DD doesn't speak to him. Despite the veneer of their online life, things are not rosy in the garden. But if this has been going on between them for 8 years, why does the wife believe the estrangement is everyone's fault except the husbands. The dad has said he won't apologise to DD as has done nothing wrong. Not sending her a birthday or Xmas card, no contact, no financial support, spending her saving account, withdrawing her University funding is, in his view, not his fault.
Anyway, she has asked if I would share some of my experiences as part of her plan that her and hubby attend marriage counselling. She wants to hear my version of events compared to his as she's absolutely sure the picture he has painted is less than truthful. Now, I don't want to get involved. My experiences of him have been buried and even some of the stuff DD told me had happened, like him pinning me to the wall by the throat, I could not recall until she mentioned it.
I decided to write it all down in a letter which was actually quite cathartic but at the same time has brought memories back to the surface that have been buried for a long time. The question is, do I say point blank that it's not my problem and I don't want to be involved, or, for DDs sake as much as the wife's, give her the letter and hope that satisfies her?
Clearly the dad needs to be in some kind of mental health facility to heal and grow. He would loose his mind if it was suggested. I want DD to have a relationship with a loving, supportive father but unless he commits to this, there is no hope.