Ex's wife asking me for support

[Slinky1460]

Out of the blue, the wife of my daughter's dad has reached out as an intermediary to try and get them to reconnect. Ex and his wife seem to have a lovely life, are financially well off, no worries etc. so good for them.

DD doesn't speak to her dad as he was very difficult to deal with when she was a child and made demands of her she was just not prepared to meet, so after a particularly fractious visit, she left his house and has never been back in touch with him since. Nor he with her.

8 years later when DD is 23, she receives contact from his wife who I have to say is a very nice woman. No problem so far.

The wife then asks for a private f2f chat with DD so she can air her grievances and go into some of the detail of why she doesn't want a relationship with her dad. DD agrees and the conversation didn't even get to the topic before the wife started telling her that she is on the brink of leaving him due to his intolerable behaviour, verbal abuse, lack of empathy and social skills etc. etc. This has apparently been going on for the 8 years they have been married and the very reason why DD doesn't speak to him. Despite the veneer of their online life, things are not rosy in the garden. But if this has been going on between them for 8 years, why does the wife believe the estrangement is everyone's fault except the husbands. The dad has said he won't apologise to DD as has done nothing wrong. Not sending her a birthday or Xmas card, no contact, no financial support, spending her saving account, withdrawing her University funding is, in his view, not his fault.

Anyway, she has asked if I would share some of my experiences as part of her plan that her and hubby attend marriage counselling. She wants to hear my version of events compared to his as she's absolutely sure the picture he has painted is less than truthful. Now, I don't want to get involved. My experiences of him have been buried and even some of the stuff DD told me had happened, like him pinning me to the wall by the throat, I could not recall until she mentioned it.

I decided to write it all down in a letter which was actually quite cathartic but at the same time has brought memories back to the surface that have been buried for a long time. The question is, do I say point blank that it's not my problem and I don't want to be involved, or, for DDs sake as much as the wife's, give her the letter and hope that satisfies her?

Clearly the dad needs to be in some kind of mental health facility to heal and grow. He would loose his mind if it was suggested. I want DD to have a relationship with a loving, supportive father but unless he commits to this, there is no hope.

Please tear up that letter and do not get involved.
She has no interest in you or your daughter's wellbeing. She is building up ammo to use against him when they divorce.

You both have gotten this toxic man our of your lives. Do not let his soon to be ex wife draw him back into your life.

I’m guessing that she is trying to gather evidence to be used against him. Either in their own divorce or potentially a custody situation…

Do not put anything in writing. I did this once in a similar situation and it was saved and given to a solicitor at a later date to be used against me.

I would definitely not get involved. You’ve moved on, let them get on with it. I also feel it was inappropriate that she invited your daughter to meet face to face giving the impression she was trying to get her husband and your daughter to reconcile only for her to discuss her turbulent marriage. I would have zero dialogue with her.

Her opening move was a lie, a con, she's only ever going to play dirty and she doesn't even have the self-control to pretend to be playing nice.
It's going to be a car crash retreat to a safe distance and watch if you can bear it.
DO NOT ENGAGE!

She may seem like a nice woman but what she is discussing with your daughter is absolutely inappropriate.

I appreciate that your daughter is an adult, but she does not need to be placed in the middle of her father and his wife's relationship issues.

Why would she even want to encourage your dd to mend the relationship with her dad when she is suffering as a result of his behaviour? She is not acting in your daughter's best interests here.

And absolutely you do not have any need to be involved in their marriage therapy. I am so sorry that this has brought back resurfaced memories and issues for you. If the letter was cathartic then great but burn it or lock it away and do not send it for her, him or your daughter to read.

Your daughter sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and it is kind of her to want to listen and support her dad's wife but I would support her in stepping away. If and when her dad ever gains some insight into his behaviours and actions and approaches her to reconcile, you can help her figure that out. But for now, she doesn't need to be involved in this mess.

Absolutely this. I'd care she couldn't care less about the relationship between your DD and her father.

He is abusive. He was abusive to you. He was abusive to your DD and he is now apparently also abusive to his current wife. She is probably struggling, not least because I'm sure she bought into the whole, "my ex wife is crazy, is keeping me from my children, is bleeding me dry" narrative he would have spun her that a) allowed him to not take responsibility for his original family and b) probably justified him insisting on all sorts of control techniques in his life with her (eg "you can't ever raise your voice to me because it's triggering after what crazy Slinky used to put me through").

I do not think you should get directly involved. If you want to show support for another woman, I would limit it to a note to her saying that while you can't get involved directly, he was abusive to you, lied to and gaslit you, withdrew financial support and you believe her if she is experiencing similar and you wish her the best of luck in getting away from him. And that's it - no detail, nothing. It can only come back to bite you in the ass if you do.

She's been in a relationship with him for years- whether or not he was a good partner during your relationship with him is irrelevant.

Your priority needs to be protecting your daughter and yourself. Personally I'd block them both, there's no reason for you to be involved.

I agree with everyone else, don’t send the letter.
She is using you for her own ends. Given she seemingly tricked your daughter into meeting her under false pretences, I would be wary why she wants the letter. She might want to form some sort of alliance against your ex with the 2 of you - your daughter and you do not need to be dragged into her drama.

She wouldn’t have supported you or your daughter if it was the other way around.
She knew what he was like and married him anyway. It’s not yours or your daughters problem, you are both already well rid of him.

Thank you all for your wise and kind messages of support. I took her at face value and not once thought she might be doing this to manipulate us into providing ammunition against him. I genuinely feel that's not the kind of person she is but to be safe, I will heed your advice and just send her a short and concise message to wish her the best and that it all works out for her but we don't intend getting involved.

My DD is regretting letting her in and now she knows the truth of the matter, thinks it's very odd that she is encouraging her to have a relationship with an unhinged man.

Thank you everyone.

She might just be genuinely attempting to make him accountable and get counselling. Also, when you are in an abusive relationship and the lights start going on, hearing someone’s else’s experiences with this person can help you to understand a bit more about the person, and that you are not alone. I think she is reaching out, might seem a bit of an awkward way to do it, but it’s common in an abusive relationship to reach out to people who you feel would most understand you, and to understand things about him that she probably wasn’t prepared to listen to before. I also agree that a letter is a bit much, because you don’t really know what she will do with that, or how that could affect you and your daughter in the future. However, I personally would treat her with compassion and give her some answers as you know her better than us, you’ve said she’s a nice person and clearly she is deeply struggling right now. Just use wisdom, a phone conversation would probably be better. Give a general run down, if you feel led to help her to see clearly. Tell her you think he needs help, and it might be an opportunity for you to ask some questions of your own relating to whether she ever tried to make him go in a different direction with the way he has treated your daughter. Whatever the state of their relationship, or how much she doesn’t want communication, he is still her father, and as she has been dragged into this, you need to think first and foremost about how all of this will affect her with any actions you take

He's not in your life anymore and he's not your problem. Getting involved with this will just stir up bad memories for you. I assume she is not a friend of yours, so you owe her nothing. Tell her you're sorry, but you want no involvement in his life in any way and neither does your daughter. If she won't leave you alone about it after that, block her.
She has a lot of nerve asking you to help sort out her shitty marriage to the man who mistreated you.

Amen!

The Ex's wife is MANIPULATING you to give her information that she will use against him in court to get what she wants.

If you help her, you and your daughter will be collateral damage.

You do not have to explain yourself to her. Anything that you write will be twisted.
If you write "painful memories" that will be twisted that your ex caused you so much damage you have not recovered and used to support her case.

I would write " It's best that you contact a marriage counsellor, seek counselling or get legal advice. My daughter and I do not wish to be involved in your marriage issues. We ask that you respect us on this matter and not to raise it again"

That way, you have covered yourself. If ex wive ever twists things to turn your ex against you, you have it in writing.

Thought I'd give an update to anyone who is interested.

I didn't get involved in the end and it looks like you were all correct, which is disappointing. She is now ghosting DD after realising her re-engaging with her DF wasn't going to happen and it isn't her magic bullet to getting her own relationship with him back on track.

I think she's behaved appallingly, particularly as I took her reaching out to be a genuine cry for help when she is nothing more than manipulating and self-serving. They deserve each other.

Give this a wide berth OP. Being dragged into their obviously awful marriage isn’t going to help you in any way.

Interesting but not surprising. I am extraordinarily pleased that the new wife wasn't able to manipulate you and your daughter.

How has your exh been with you? Or do you not have any contact?

GloriousGoosebumps - we haven't had any contact since he played nice to my face and then sued me for custody all at the same time. I wasn't married to him, thank goodness.

A few more days have gone by and still no contact from her to DD although she is active on social media. It's clearly been a ruse all along. DD is going to block her from contacting her ever again.

Jesus. Who in the hell befriends a damaged DD pretending that you want to heal her relationship with her estranged father - and then tricks the DD into listening to her own grievances instead - and ropes in the ex to do her dirty work?! I’d run far, run fast, take your DD, change your numbers and never speak to them again. Do NOT put anything in writing, don’t speak to either of them again and explain clearly to DD what is likely to be the toxic fallout from this very nasty pair of sociopaths. Utterly shameless and dangerous to know.