Just found out about husbands affair

[SadRedPanda]

I’ve just found that my husband has been having an affair for months. We’ve been in therapy working on our marriage the whole time, and he’s been lying to my face. I believed he was totally loyal our whole 10 year relationship, and now I feel like I don’t even know who he is. My heart is broken and I can’t see a way forward. I’m now facing a future raising 3 children pretty much on my own and I can’t even face tomorrow. Has anyone else been through this and can tell me it gets easier 😞😞😞

Hey @SadRedPanda yep, I’ve been there unfortunately and it’s utterly horrendous. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too.

My advice is look after yourself, try to eat, sleep if you can; confide in one or two trusted friends who won’t judge for irl support; and you don’t need to do anything until you are ready.

What do you want to do going forward? Has he stopped seeing ow? Has he left the house? What is your financial situation? There’s so much to think about but no rush to decide anything right now.

He has left the house yes, apparently they are in love and planning marriage and babies, the whole thing makes me feel sick and so betrayed. Financially I’m a stay at home mum and he provides everything so I guess I need to think about sorting that 😞

Sorry to hear sbout this.
Did he confess this in MC?

Sorry what does MC mean?

What a piece of shit he is. Well reality is about to intrude on their little fantasy bubble and he’ll realise the grass isn’t greener. And she’s hardly getting a prize is she? A man who’s a liar and cheat and happy to betray his wife and kids? Her standards are really fucking low and she’ll spend her whole life looking over her shoulder wondering when the next “her” will come along.

OK given your update, tell everyone in your life and take all the support you can get. Hopefully a friend or family member can support you to get your financial information together and see a solicitor and work out your next steps.

Thank you. I really hope he does, and he realises what he’s thrown away. Our children are 6, 4 and 1 so all they’ll really remember is an absent father 😢 my heart breaks for them as much as me.

What kind of woman “loves” 🤮 a man who walks away from his 3 very small children?? What sort of man does that??

He doesn’t just get to waltz away from his responsibilities and start over. See a lawyer as a priority to find out your rights and entitlements - I’m not in the UK so can’t really help with those. But absolutely if he’s walking away from his kids practically he will have to pay financially.

Your kids will be ok - they have you and hopefully still him in some capacity if not 50-50.

Exactly, it’s hardly a great base for a relationship, I hope it all ends in tears for them both.
I will try and find someone in the morning to talk to about it all. Thank you.

Look after yourself Op . Get some individual counselling . Take things at your own pace . Eat and drink lots of water .

You are in shock . Your emotions are now in roller coaster mode . They will settle down . One day at a time . Be kind to yourself .

Highly likely to end in tears I’d say. They’ve only known each other in this exciting, forbidden, fun fantasy world where they can focus completely on each other and present their best faces to the other up until now. But reality is about to hit - all the mundane domestic stuff, with the added emotional stresses of breaking up a family AND financial obligations. It’s hardly the stuff of fairytales.

Try to get some sleep if you can. All the best.

So sorry this has happened. It's horrendous now but you will get through this and you'll be stronger and happier once you're out the other side. Get some evidence together and get some legal advice. Ask him to leave or pay for a rented place for you and the children. It's really sad but I know plenty of people who have grown up with parents not together and they have thrived. You're bound to be in complete shock but if you can, surround yourself with people who love you and make you feel safe. Take it one day at a time and know that it gets easier and you're going to be ok.

Unfortunately you will find there are many people who have been in your situation.
The first poster was spot on - look after yourself and try to eat and sleep as I’m sure that will be difficult with the rollercoaster of emotions you’ll be going through. One day at a time and the kids will help you to have to keep going.
Definitely talking to at least a couple of people will help your sanity. Counselling if you can.
As soon as you can try to gather financial information and visit a solicitor to find out your rights.
I think MC will mean marriage counselling (I didn’t see a response to that).
I’m not sure if this helps or not but I’m years down the line & have very happy DC who live between two homes & have very involved parents (I wouldn’t call him absent). They do well academically, are confident, healthy & have a range of hobbies they enjoy. I’ve seen quite a few MN posters talk about poor outcomes for DC from separated parents & that doesn’t have to be the case.

I won’t lie, it’s been tough at times and is still a juggle to balance life, kids, work, friends & a relationship but I got through it with my head held high and now OW has to deal with his sh*t (& I hear it from DC & OW - she does put up with all the same things I stupidly did 🙄).
I know it’ll be hard with the kids being young but from what I’ve seen it’s actually easier for them, & you to help them, get through it than if it happens when they are older.

I just reread your posts, I’m sorry if he is already giving the impression that he won’t be an active parent in their lives. That is disgraceful if so. It isn’t my experience but know it is pretty common unfortunately. The upside of that is that you don’t lose time with your DC. I didn’t become a parent expecting to have time without them (other than the normal school & with friends etc) so that has been hard.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, very cowardly of him not to have been honest and continue to lie - sadly not uncommon!! Time to get smart and put your big girl pants on, he's made his choice and more fool him. Get all the financials and be quick to get in first with seeing a solicitor. It's a terrible shock and one I'm familiar with (as are many)..! Remember to keep eating little and often, drink water not wine and let someone your trust in real life know what's happening - you'll be amazed at the support of friends and family. I'm 2 years on since leaving, there were times when I thought wtf but overall it turned out far better than I'd hoped and the kids are perfectly happy. Ironically his world looks far bleaker now for that I am very thankful. Karma will always win. Stay strong xx

Thanks everyone for your replies, I just feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I’m hurting so badly. I found out by looking through his phone, messages slagging me off and planning their life together, videos of them together 🤢 so I feel like I’m in shock at the moment and I don’t know how to process it all

I'm so sorry op
You will go through the grieving process so please get all the real life help you can with this

It such a surreal experience and one I remember well. It's like being in a tunnel with the sound muffled. 😔 This is not your fault, he did this to you and your family, take gentle steps forwards and day by day things will get easier I promise you.

@SadRedPanda Im so sorry you are going through this. As others have said you must be in shock and will need to grieve the losses much like a bereavement. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself as much as you can and allow people to support you irl. You owe him nothing so don’t be afraid/embarrassed to tell people what he’s done, he created this situation so he can deal with the consequences including everyone knowing he is a lying cheat who has abandoned his wife and young children. Find yourself a therapist because you will need that space to heal and deal with your very valid feelings.

I haven’t used them but this organisation might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including child residency, working out logistics etc. Set up and run by women with lived experience
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
Heard about it on a podcast, they were offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’ but not sure if that’s still valid.

No doubt you want to wish this was all a terrible nightmare and you’re going to wake up any minute. Unfortunately that’s not the case and you need to forge a new path for yourself and your children in this new reality.

You are stronger than you know.

Oh my god, you poor, poor woman. What an absolute monster he is. I cannot imagine the pain of being told that my husband was in love with another woman, and planning marriage and more children, when I had a baby and primary school children with him myself. Utterly cruel.

I don’t have anything useful, that will be covered by others on here, but I am so sorry you’re encountering pain like this @SadRedPanda.

Oh OP, I am so sorry he is doing this to you all. What an absolutely shitty man he is.

I too have been on the receiving end of this behaviour. My advice right now is to tell people in real life who you trust so you can share the load. Don’t be embarrassed (I was) until I realised it was all on him.

Eat and sleep when you can (I know it’s so hard and a complete shock but you must try).

Once you have people on your side, seek legal advice. Ignore any contact he tries to make. He’s going to have an ‘oh shit’ moment, don’t entertain him.

I promise, in the near future you’ll back in this and realise how lucky you have been to get away from such a shit man.

Have a hug if you need it x

Thank you all your kind responses, I can’t eat or sleep, I feel so full of rage and sadness I don’t know how I’ll get through this 😞

Hope you are doing ok OP . Everything will be still very raw for you still . It is a real rollercoaster when you think you are making a bit of progress and then you are brought back "down " again .
This is perfectly understandable as your life has been so enmeshed with your husband and the most everyday things will be triggers for you .

I hope your H is at least making a bit of effort to see your kids and to give you a bit of a break . I am sorry that he may well also at this point ( or in the future if he hasn't. already done so ) become cold and unfeeling towards you . This is called " cognitive dissonance " when to justify to himself his appalling behaviour he had to make you the villain of the peace .
You will also see from other threads that there is " a script " that he will also follow .
I am so sorry so many of us have to face this .

Look after yourself and get real life support and individual counselling for you if you are able to access this / afford it . None of this is on you and whilst none of us are perfect spouses and partners we are not the ones that have destroyed our relationships .

I hope you have also managed to get some legal advice too .

Thank you for checking in, it is still raw and I think I’m still in shock. I started anti depressants which are helping as I was a total mess before.
Surprisingly he has been a better father in the last month than he has in the last 6 years, but it’s sad it’s the guilt that has done it and I’m not convinced it will last.
I am having counselling weekly, and he has shown no interest in trying to repair our relationship, which I think hurts more :(

She’s of no moral fibre any woman carrying on with a man with three very young kids - it will blow up in his face! What a disgrace of a man. Take him for every penny! Don’t leave the family home!

So sorry OP. So he was not honest whilst you were undergoing marriage counselling. Do you think he was just doing this to go through the motions? What was he saying in marriage counselling was the reason for you both not getting on?

you will absolutely get through this and are better off without him.