Just found out about husbands affair

[SadRedPanda]

I’ve just found that my husband has been having an affair for months. We’ve been in therapy working on our marriage the whole time, and he’s been lying to my face. I believed he was totally loyal our whole 10 year relationship, and now I feel like I don’t even know who he is. My heart is broken and I can’t see a way forward. I’m now facing a future raising 3 children pretty much on my own and I can’t even face tomorrow. Has anyone else been through this and can tell me it gets easier 😞😞😞

Thank you Pinklady, I don’t know why he carried on doing therapy, maybe he got some weird kick out of lying so well and convincing us he was telling the truth 😔
He made out in therapy that everything was my fault, gaslighting at its finest!
im thankfully doing much better now, i realise its his loss and though I miss him still I could never trust him again 😔

Yep, my ex h blamed me for his affair too.

File for divorce asap and tick the fincinail order box. This will cost just under £600 but it is better for you that you file. You don't have to tell him.

Get all financial paperwork together. You will need it as you will both have to fill in a From E.

If he shows any guilt or remorse, use it to get what you need.

It is crap right now, and it will take a year or so to get divorced, but you will be happier without him and your children will always know who was there for them.

Make sure you get rest when you can and eat.

Fuck him and fuck her. He is a deadbeat dad and will be to any kids he has with her.

You’ll come out better for it while they’ll always be scum bags.

I've been through this, it's blooming awful the hurt and pain is just unbearable and it really is something that I never want to experience again, my husband cheated on me over 4 years ago and I became a single mum to our children. We was together over 8 years and married for 6 months! He's still with the mistress now and has a child with her. It is true when people tell you time is a healer. I just made myself busy all the time seeing friends, doing stuff I loved and knuckled down on my studies. I was stuck in the anger stage for months and months then one day just woke up and thought I don't even care anymore, it was strange but it was a massive relief. I also couldn't eat or sleep I lost 3 stone and was put on medication and had therapy and counselling because of this. Slowly but surely I got better each day, I wrote a diary everyday to express my feelings and how I felt each day, I made little lists that I knew were achievable to help me through it too, for example say on a Monday I would have a shower, wash my hair, Tuesday I would vacuum two rooms, Wednesday I would dust and put a load of washing on, then end of the day when I would write on my diary I would tick them off just to show I did them and achieved them and it made me feel soo much better!

I hope you heal and are able to look after yourself through this difficult time. Sending you love. 😘

Hi , I am glad you have updated and that you have been to a Dr and getting some therapy . It is really important that you continue to look after yourself and that will help you have the energy to continue to be the good mum you are .I hope you are also getting some support from friends / family .

I think you are correct that he may be in guilt mode at this point . He may also be demonstrating to the OW what a catch he is , as he is such a good father . She is absolutely delusional , who would want someone who has treated his wife and young family so badly ? You are right to be sceptical about this contact . Take it as a bonus whilst it lasts . You have to lower your expectations of him and if he does contribute that is great .
Use the time he with the kids to recharge / appointments etc

I hope that you have got some legal advice as this is essential as a SAHM . If you find things overwhelming, speak to your solicitor about slowing things down and if doing so would prejudice you in any way .

It does get easier and you will find it is no longer the first thing you think about . You will of course still have to keep in contact due to your children and as you have been together so long and have a family together, your memories are also entwined . This is difficult as I am sure he is the last person you want to see / think about .

I know everyone says it is better to be dignified but we are all human and I found I was angry /sweary / shouty / sarcastic . We are all human .

There is an American website called "Surviving Infidelity " which does have some good info / resources on it .

You have got through the most difficult part and there will continue to be challenges ahead e.g kids birthdays / Christmas / sorting out the finances . You will continue to get stronger and see that you are so much better without him .

I know it may not feel like it at this time , but you are young enough not to let this derail the rest of your and your children lives . It has been tough though and also not what any of us would choose for our children . Whilst statistically we know that a lot of marriages end in divorce , we still do not think it would happen to us . We never expected the person we made our vows to & had a family with , to betray us .

As others have said this is on him not you . Take care .

Thank you candlesburn, I appreciate everything you’ve said :)
I hope I never have to go through something like this again, I don’t know how I’ll ever trust another man.
You’re right about the memories, I feel as though everything positive we ever had has been tainted by his awful behaviour, I hope I can get past that for the sake of the children 😔 its so much to process but i have an amazing support network ❤️
thank you all!

Chances are 3 years down the line he will revert to type- it's like they get the chance to be a whole different person with someone new- its usually because they are often getting more physical affection, laughing at stuff you have heard dozens of times etc - it's just a big ego buzz- and lots of men can't see it for what it is- there are cases where they simply are poorly matched with wives- but often it's because they want that new ego buzz and in those that do has a tendency to happen more than once

Oh how awful for you OP. But as previously suggested, get your ducks in a row. Move money to your own name if at all possible. And keep a bit of anger going. He's gaslighting, he's disrespectful, he's a liar, hes a cheat, and he's pathetic. Of course he'll blame you. Don't ever ever let him gaslight you into feeling inadequate or to blame. His actions are on him. He's the POS. Laugh in his face any time he tries yo blame you for ANYTHING !!! You WILL get over it. I promise you. And it's entirely HIS loss. You didn't know you'd taken up with a cheater, but the OW knows SHE has !!! She'll always wonder if he's lying to her. She'll never really be sure of him. Take comfort in that. I sincerely wish you well.

Hope you are doing ok OP . Just wanted to check in and see how things are with you .

Like you I made it through the first Christmas . I was really dreading it and the build up wasn't great . On the day it wasn't as bad as I thought .

I hope that 2025 is a new start for both of us and our families . Take care .