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Original poster

Arguments about sex...

41 replies

DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 00:26

We are a relatively young couple (28 and 30) and have been together for 2.5 years.

Although I don't think he would admit it, I feel that I have a much bigger drive than him.

I have felt that for the majority of our relationship, sex has been on terms. When I have tried to initiate, I wind up feeling rejected. However, when he does, I am happy to be having sex so never turn him down. This has caused tension in the past, with him saying that I am not being clear enough on my initiations.

We have sex once per week on average (I would ideally like to more, but he gets tired and will frequently fall asleep at 9ish, so we have fallen into the pattern of Saturday mornings).

I am a teacher, so am off during the holidays at the minute. This morning he said to me "so are you going to touch yourself today?" I replied "No - I'm waiting for you to do it for me."

We got into bed tonight, and he asked if I had touched myself. I said "No, I've been waiting for you to do it for me", to which he replied "well you can do it all day tomorrow". In that moment, I felt that I was waving a green flag. I felt a bit awkward and like the excitement was killed. I replied back (with admittedly a bit of a tone) "I guess I may have to then".

It then erupted into a bit of an argument. I told him I felt rejected, as I have done in the past. He then said that he actually said "well I can do it all day tomorrow", to which I pointed out that it doesnt make sense, as I am not seeing him all day tomorrow. He then tells me that I heard him wrong and that my hearing is awful. I literally watched the words come out of his mouth.

We both rolled over and its another evening of me feeling rejected, unfulfilled and a bit gaslit to be honest. Part of me feels that maybe he doesnt want to he intimate with me, and hes lying to avoid it. But then when he wants sex or pleasuring, I'm there at his beck and call.

I am now sleeping in the spare room as I feel so sad and angry. When we have sex, overall it is great. However, there are some ways I satisfy him (mouth), which he very rarely rexiprocates (maybe three times whilst we've been together). I wouldnt have an issue if he didnt like doing this, but he says he does yet still avoids it?

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? What can we do as a couple to repair it? Tonight got pretty nasty and ended up in a battle of who does what to who.

Thank you.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 15/08/2024 00:35

This relationship is wasting your precious time.and your youth. And he's selfish in bed.

Its hard to tell tone from a post but he sounds either a bit creepy or a bit passive aggressive or nasty with the asking "did you touch yourself today" comments. Almost like he's having a dig at you having a higher sex drive or he's getting some kind of weird turn on by asking you.

I don't like the sound of him.

HellonHeels · 15/08/2024 00:39

As for repairing it as a couple - do you think he's awake in the middle of the night wondering how to repair things?

The fundamentals are: you have mismatched sex.drives, when you do have sex he isn't doing much for you but expects a lot in return and he's potentially creepy or unkind or is judgey about your sex drive.

Doesn't sound worth repairing.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 15/08/2024 00:41

You arnt compatible. You need to end it because it won't get better. Life is too short to be with a bloke that hardly wants sex especially at your age. It will ruin your confidence and make you feel worthless. Do not have kids with him as you will be very unhappy and sex will be zero. Also the oral sex thing would make me think he is gay or very selfish.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2024 00:41

No, he's interested in controlling the sex in the relationship

Get out Flowers

Original poster
DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 00:47

Part of me feels bad tonight like I've thrown my toys out the pram for not getting what I wanted.

I just feel so sexually frustrated sometimes. He openly tells me that he masturbates and will even get up in the morning and do it in the shower during weekdays, when I have openly said to him that I would love him to initiate it with me in the mornings.

I just feel so sad about it. When we have sex, it is amazing and he isnt selfish when we are having sex overall (just with the oral).

OP posts:
Original poster
DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 00:50

He says that I never initiate sex with him, but when I do, he seems to 'miss' my initiations (like tonight) or it ends up in an argument and it doesnt happen. This always leaves me feeling like my needs are not met. However when he wants sex, I happily oblige.

I am not sure whether I should just play hard to get, but equally I dont want to play games.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2024 00:54

The only way you'll figure it out is if you say 'I would like sex now' and see how he responds

I strongly suspect he has some weird thing in his head where he has to control when

Original poster
DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 00:57

@LaurieFairyCake I strongly have been suspecting that too. He has some amazing qualities, but can be a very stubborn man.

Part of me wants to reject him next time, or completely ignore his initiations and treat him like he does me.

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 15/08/2024 00:58

You're too young to be in a sexless relationship. You're also correct that your sec drives don't match,he's embarrassed that his doesn't match yours and he's gaslighting you.

Get out now and enjoy your life with someone who will appreciate you.

Charliecatpaws · 15/08/2024 00:59

Sorry for the typos hope you understand what I'm saying

Original poster
DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 00:59

I also suspect that he has ASD traits (from my teacher knowledge). I would never, ever tell him this, but communication between us both can often be tricky as we both say things to eachother and then they are interpreted differently

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/08/2024 01:02

Bloody hell girl, oral is quite an important part of the whole thing and if I'd only got it 3 times in 2.5 years, well for starters he'd of only received 3 x too. But really I probably would of given up on this after a few weeks if he didn't get the hint and reciprocate. But that's me as an older and wiser person. It's tricky, as if you have the higher drive, you're not going to turn it down the infrequent times its on offer.
I don't know how this relationship hasn't already run its course as your pretty incompatible in this regard. All I can think is he must be great in other ways.
You've compromised till now, but still he's belittling you for having a higher libido than him and basically suggesting that you sort yourself out on your days off because he's not interested - everyone knows that masturbation does in now way compare to sex.
He could do with being turned down on occasion, shouldn't be hard if you've developed the ick about him, as you should after what he's been saying- what you do on your days off is none of his business. He's possibly acting out of his own insecurity about his low drive, but again that is immature and deeply unattractive.

Biggaybear · 15/08/2024 01:03

Simply put, you have mismatched sex drives. You can carry on & feel frustrated for the rest of your life or you can leave & find someone more closely matched.

There is no point trying to change him or work out why he says the things he does. That's him. You are not compatible.

SnowFrogJelly · 15/08/2024 01:07

Get a new b/f...

RogueFemale · 15/08/2024 01:10

Please move on and stop wasting your time with this guy. This is not a wonderful partner, not for sex or anything.

The only thing I would add, is that men with a high sex drive (which I love) are also often cheats because they can't keep it in their pants. So be careful of that - there are, however, lovely safe men with high sex drives out there.

Original poster
DAISYBELLAxx · 15/08/2024 01:11

@Opentooffers I know! I have asked him outright why he doesn't and he says that we don't spend a lot of time on foreplay so he doesn't get time (this is not true as we do spend lots of time, enough time for him to receive oral).

He knows that it is something I really enjoy. When he has done it 3 times, he literally looks like he isn't enjoying it at all and will do it for 2 minutes tops. I wouldnt mind if he just would put his stubbornness aside and admit that he doesnt like it!

I think I will have to turn him down next time and make him feel like he is sometimes lucky to have me too!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2024 01:19

Why bother. Your sex life is crap, it won't get any better esp if you bring children into the relationship. You are young, life is short,
Move on.
it's not as if you have married so no divorce needed, no financial arrangements no sharing of children etc.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 15/08/2024 01:19

You're not sexually compatible.

He gives me the ICK to be honest. The telling you when you can touch yourself etc. Seriously creepy. He doesn't like giving you oral, clearly, but yet no doubt expects it from you probably every time you have sex? Hmmm.

Just from what you're saying about him, I'd suggest moving on from this relationship, it's not going to get any better and he sounds creepy and kinda controlling.

BeckysNanna · 15/08/2024 07:09

I was married for 38 years and divorced 2 years ago. The last 20 years were sexless, and I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time. Trust your feelings and don’t settle—communication is key. You deserve to feel fulfilled and valued.

Sweetteaplease · 15/08/2024 07:11

2.5 and no kids. Just leave. You don't seem compatible

greengreyblue · 15/08/2024 07:14

Move on while you can.

SamW98 · 15/08/2024 07:23

He’s controlling your sex life. Hes happy to have a regular wank but tears sex witb you like a chore.

And asking you if you’re touching yourself is creepy as fuck.

Walk away - you’re too you to settle for this shit.

SauvignonBlonk · 15/08/2024 07:31

Throw him back in the pond OP. He’s awful.
Don't live with a man that doesn’t care about you.

StarlightLady · 15/08/2024 07:39

Opentooffers · 15/08/2024 01:02

Bloody hell girl, oral is quite an important part of the whole thing and if I'd only got it 3 times in 2.5 years, well for starters he'd of only received 3 x too. But really I probably would of given up on this after a few weeks if he didn't get the hint and reciprocate. But that's me as an older and wiser person. It's tricky, as if you have the higher drive, you're not going to turn it down the infrequent times its on offer.
I don't know how this relationship hasn't already run its course as your pretty incompatible in this regard. All I can think is he must be great in other ways.
You've compromised till now, but still he's belittling you for having a higher libido than him and basically suggesting that you sort yourself out on your days off because he's not interested - everyone knows that masturbation does in now way compare to sex.
He could do with being turned down on occasion, shouldn't be hard if you've developed the ick about him, as you should after what he's been saying- what you do on your days off is none of his business. He's possibly acting out of his own insecurity about his low drive, but again that is immature and deeply unattractive.

This!

No oral (or almost) in itself would be a deal breaker for me. No oral = no entry. Try suggesting some oral only sessions and see how he reacts.

lf things are bad now, they are not going to get better.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 15/08/2024 07:41

Honestly love you are flogging a dead horse here. He would rather have a wank in the shower than have sex with his girlfriend. You are young without kids. Get out. Find someone who wants sex and will make you happy. Chances are his gay or a porn addict. He is not for you. Think more of yourself and stop accepting this shit behaviour.