Arguments about sex...

[DAISYBELLAxx]

We are a relatively young couple (28 and 30) and have been together for 2.5 years.

Although I don't think he would admit it, I feel that I have a much bigger drive than him.

I have felt that for the majority of our relationship, sex has been on terms. When I have tried to initiate, I wind up feeling rejected. However, when he does, I am happy to be having sex so never turn him down. This has caused tension in the past, with him saying that I am not being clear enough on my initiations.

We have sex once per week on average (I would ideally like to more, but he gets tired and will frequently fall asleep at 9ish, so we have fallen into the pattern of Saturday mornings).

I am a teacher, so am off during the holidays at the minute. This morning he said to me "so are you going to touch yourself today?" I replied "No - I'm waiting for you to do it for me."

We got into bed tonight, and he asked if I had touched myself. I said "No, I've been waiting for you to do it for me", to which he replied "well you can do it all day tomorrow". In that moment, I felt that I was waving a green flag. I felt a bit awkward and like the excitement was killed. I replied back (with admittedly a bit of a tone) "I guess I may have to then".

It then erupted into a bit of an argument. I told him I felt rejected, as I have done in the past. He then said that he actually said "well I can do it all day tomorrow", to which I pointed out that it doesnt make sense, as I am not seeing him all day tomorrow. He then tells me that I heard him wrong and that my hearing is awful. I literally watched the words come out of his mouth.

We both rolled over and its another evening of me feeling rejected, unfulfilled and a bit gaslit to be honest. Part of me feels that maybe he doesnt want to he intimate with me, and hes lying to avoid it. But then when he wants sex or pleasuring, I'm there at his beck and call.

I am now sleeping in the spare room as I feel so sad and angry. When we have sex, overall it is great. However, there are some ways I satisfy him (mouth), which he very rarely rexiprocates (maybe three times whilst we've been together). I wouldnt have an issue if he didnt like doing this, but he says he does yet still avoids it?

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? What can we do as a couple to repair it? Tonight got pretty nasty and ended up in a battle of who does what to who.

Thank you.

The libido difference is one thing. But his comments and attitude are by far the greater problem on my view.

Completely agree. The mismatched sex drives is one thing, the lack of respect and consideration is the deal breaker.

There feels like there’s something going on here with him, not sure what, maybe he’s gay or maybe porn. Anyway I really hope you get the hell away from him

Right. From what i can read hes a controlling knobhead who wants things to be on his terms and his terms alone. If he would rather wank alone in the shower than literally anything with you, then you need to walk away because something is seriously wrong there. Seriously wrong. My husband is worn out from long hours at work and i have spinal damage, we are still 2 or 3 times a week at 5 years in. And we may be am oddity, i dont know, but honey you deserve better and for everything you do to be understood and most importantly reciprocated. In the long term this is going to damage your confidence, your trust and your mental health. You either need to walk away or sit, be blunt and open and honest. And if after that all he does is blow up, then still walk away because if he cares as much as you do or even half as much, he should want to fix this and he should want you in every sense of the word!

Also to add, years ago I had a partner like this and it turned out he was in the closet and in denial. So it would never have worked out had i persevered and not walked away. Now hes happy and so am I. Walking away from something not right for you is never a bad thing. No matter the time or history spent before it. You need to do whats best for you and yes sometimes that means selfishness or pain but better days come and theyll come for you too.

Just - why?

Why are you staying with him?

I really hope my girls have understood from my constant banging on about it, that you only have a relationship with anyone, if they make you happier. If they don't enhance your life, and you theirs - it works both ways, then walk away.

Being happy single is the best gift we give ourselves.

Are you not considering ending the relationship and finding someone you are compatible with at all?

Any man that would ask me if ive touched myself today would give me the ick cringe just no.

Sounds like he's pretty lazy, uninterested in sex. He masturbates, expect you to masturbate and sex once a week is enough for him.
Personally I wouldn't enjoy that sex life. If he's happy with it and you're not you need to ask yourself if you're willing to accept it forever or if its time to find something satisfying. You can't make him change.

Does he have any other unusual quirks? Does he, for example, get angry if he hasn’t eaten regularly? You said you suspect ASD traits, but have you ever heard of something called OCPD (not OCD). Withholding sex for control is a really common marker. It’s a really interesting set of characteristics, might be worth a google.

I feel like people would be more sympathetic if it was the other way round.
I have a much lower sex drive than my husband and one of the pieces of advice to increase it is to masturbate… could it be the same for men?
But I would ask what’s the rest of your relationship like? Does he have confidence problems, depression? Weight or body issues?

Also might he be insecure if you have more “experience” than him?

It ain't just the sex hon! I would be afraid of him losing control in some way. It sounds as if he is bottling something up to try and stay 'normal' in his everyday life.
Not necessarily violent but one always has to be on guard for it. He might just throw in his job and go off drinking.
Whatever happens, it isn't your job to stay close and sort out his personality or his behaviour. He has already rejected you many times in one day and on many days. He has become consistent in his 'wrongness', it has become the way he works. it is not an episode that will subside.
Time for you to move on from him.

Ok I've read and re-read your posts. You say two positive things about him 1) sex with him is good when it happens and he's unselfish apart from the lack of oral sex, 2) he has some amazing qualities (but you don't actually list any of them).

Your description of him isn't very flattering to be honest. Maybe you can tell us in what other ways he's an amazing man? Because he doesn't sound it.

And as others have said, if he's regularly having a wank in the shower when he has a loving woman lying in bed ready and willing to have a shag (or even just give him a BJ), I'm sorry but that's just weird and I personally would take that as a sign to get out now before you sink any more time into this relationship.

Read about gaslighting and DARVO. This is not about sex at all.

OP, my husband was like this at 30. He’s no better at 44 (yes, I’m still here!). The only difference now is that I’m more sexually confident and I spell it out to him more directly.

A few days ago I told him I’ve been sexually frustrated since 2008. He replied - “you should have mentioned it.” Errrr….I have, many, many times!

He’s not going to change and it won’t get better.