How to cope with an unloving partner

[Summere543]

I’m wanting some advice and I suppose maybe validation that I am not being unreasonable in my expectations. My husband and I have 2 children and rent a property together. He has always wanted to keep our finances seperate and in all honesty is terrible with money so I am sort of happy with this. He is supposed to give me half of the bill money at the start of each month (we split bills 50/50), however this is always late and is given to me in dribs and drabs throughout the month which causes me to nag and get very stressed.

He is virtually never home, always at the gym after work and goes on runs etc at weekends. This leaves me with virtually no free time for any of my hobbies or interests. Whenever I suggest doing something together such as a meal or date night he refuses and starts to moan about money. He won’t take part in anything that doesn’t interest him, for example taking the children to the park, going to watch a movie at the pictures as a family etc, he just says it’s not his thing.

I am becoming increasingly resentful and don’t feel like I have a partner at all. It is really affecting my self esteem and mood. I like to think I am a happy and kind person but at home I feel like a moody nag. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was given a compliment by him, if we are going somewhere he is so concerned with how he looks he doesn’t give me a second thought. He is never affectionate, doesn’t hold my hand, hug me etc. I often think about leaving but I worry how it would impact the children and selfishly the logistics of being a single parent who works full time. Don’t really know what the point of this post is, I guess I’m just looking for some advice on if there is anything I can do to make things better or wether the relationship is over?

Well you are already living a single life in all but name reading that.

What do you get out of this relationship? Not much by the sounds of it. LTB, the kids would be fine and you would be better off in the long run.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I don’t really have any desire to get into another relationship so it makes me think do I just carry on for the kids sake as I would be a living a single life anyway!

Mainly stress if I am honest. I know it’s such a cliche but it’s the thought of having to be without the children possibly 50% of the time and my wages only just covering bills. I don’t think I would be interested in another relationship until the children are grown so it makes me think do I just start to see him as almost a housemate who helps with the bills. I know this sounds silly but maybe if I stop seeing him as my husband it will take away the expectations and disappointment?

LTB! I could have written your post a few ml tha ago. I feel lighter for it.

So you left?

is he really going to want the kids 50% of the time given it would get in the way of the gym and his weekend running? If he's not interested in family time now, that's unlikely to change, especially if he has to do it on his own. Get rid of this useless man, you'll be a lot happier.

This is exactly what you need to do if you decide to stay because of logistics or for another reason. Detachment. Treat him like a flatmate - do not expect him to do anything, it will save you a disappointment.
On the same side try to think how you can advance what you have outside him. How old are you kids?

He is not going to take the kids more than 20 percent of the time, if that. He won’t pay you anything but I think if you really sit down and crunch the numbers you will discover that he barely pulls his weight now.

And there is such a high cost to being treated as hid punching bag and skivvy. Its not just a question of money. You could take in s lodger and get money more reliably and with less submissive fawning.

Thknk seriously about why you vslue yourself so little that you let yourself be treated like a dog by this man. None of what you are describing makes sense in a normal marriage. Why have you put up with it so long?

Do not use the kids as a reason to stay with such a man. What is the point of you and he being together at all now when he’s hardly ever there ?. I doubt very much that he would ever want his children around given his current attitude; to such types the gym and his running will continue to take precedence.

Staying with him is not easier for you and does you as well as your children a great disservice. What do you think that staying with him would teach them about relationships?. You would continue to be stressed out by him. Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness here and move on with your life.

It will impact the kids far more seeing this deplorable example of a relationship as they grow as they could well go onto replicate this themselves. It’s no legacy to leave them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar yourself?.

They are 8 and 14. The younger one adores him but I sense the eldest is starting to pick up on things, even though we rarely argue. She will say things like I suppose dad won’t be coming and roll her eyes if we are invited to a bbq for example, as 90% of the time he refuses to attend family parties etc. I suppose even with the best acting skills they pick up on things!

You don't have a marriage. You have a legal connection with a detached, avoidant, useless man child.

Get the fuck rid of him. You will be so much happier and so will your kids.

My parents are now divorced and had an explosive relationship with lots of rows, I suppose this is maybe why I accept a lot as I try to avoid confrontation. His parents are still together but live virtually seperate lives- very similar to us.

Thank you for this, it makes me feel better just having my feelings validated as I sometimes think is this just what happens in marriages after a while.

As a single mum reading your post I also think WHAT is he adding to your life?

Im happily single with an 8 year old and after so many rubbish relationships, I know what I deserve. You deserve better than this op and if your eldest is already making observations such as that, you’re teaching then what is acceptable in relationships which is less than you deserve and less than they’d deserve too.

when me and my sons dad split I’d be sad at the thought of less time with him too but in time you realise it’s more time to put in to yourself too and right now you sound like the only parent anyway

How do you reply when kids ask whether he is coming?

While supporting another adult who gives nothing back and pays his way only ifbyou nag him.

So it's easy to see where he gets this from. It's his normal. Stay with him and this will be your children's future, as well. Your relationship is their model for how relationships should be, and that's pretty tragic.

I just shrug it off and say ‘oh you know it’s not his thing.’ As other people have said, I know I am settings terrible example with this.

Has he always been like this and with his huge focus on his looks? Do you take care of yourself?

Your title made me feel sad 😞
you deserve a loving partner 🌺

Then please stop. Your kids desperately need to see you raise your standards, because the chances of them ending up in a relationship like yours are getting higher every day. If your eldest daughter were in a relationship like yours, what would you advise her to do? Would you really want her to waste her life being so unhappy?

I would suggest not to feel pity for your kids in these cases and just redirect ‘I don’t know, ask him’. Just a statement of facts, nothing personal. Practice detachment- I know easily said than done

Yes he has always been a real fitness freak and spent a lot of time at the gym. I always wear my make up and do my hair etc but I’m not really into exercise, mainly due to having quite a stressful job and don’t have a lot of energy left! I suppose I thought as family commitments me and the children would take priority but sadly not. He suffers with anxiety so says exercise is his outlet for this, I totally support this but it also feels like my mental health is never taken into consideration. All of this leads me to feel very resentful.