How to cope with an unloving partner

[Summere543]

I’m wanting some advice and I suppose maybe validation that I am not being unreasonable in my expectations. My husband and I have 2 children and rent a property together. He has always wanted to keep our finances seperate and in all honesty is terrible with money so I am sort of happy with this. He is supposed to give me half of the bill money at the start of each month (we split bills 50/50), however this is always late and is given to me in dribs and drabs throughout the month which causes me to nag and get very stressed.

He is virtually never home, always at the gym after work and goes on runs etc at weekends. This leaves me with virtually no free time for any of my hobbies or interests. Whenever I suggest doing something together such as a meal or date night he refuses and starts to moan about money. He won’t take part in anything that doesn’t interest him, for example taking the children to the park, going to watch a movie at the pictures as a family etc, he just says it’s not his thing.

I am becoming increasingly resentful and don’t feel like I have a partner at all. It is really affecting my self esteem and mood. I like to think I am a happy and kind person but at home I feel like a moody nag. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was given a compliment by him, if we are going somewhere he is so concerned with how he looks he doesn’t give me a second thought. He is never affectionate, doesn’t hold my hand, hug me etc. I often think about leaving but I worry how it would impact the children and selfishly the logistics of being a single parent who works full time. Don’t really know what the point of this post is, I guess I’m just looking for some advice on if there is anything I can do to make things better or wether the relationship is over?

What are you DC learning from observing your relationship?

Will they both choose a separate lives marriage one your H has, he's copied his parents.

How did the start of your relations look like? Do you think you were more in love than he was?

I am trying to understand at what point the things went sour and what caused it. 15+ years is a lot just to go straight to ltb.

How do you think his ideal partner to whom he would have been attentive would behave day to day and look like?

We used to do lots of things together but as time has gone on it has just dwindled to the point of nothing. I imagine he probably would like someone who is really into fitness like him. I am not as thin as I was 16 years ago and obviously my looks have changed as time has gone on.. maybe this is it, it could be he is just not attracted to me anymore and has lost interest.

I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, if nothing changes I’d plan my exit. Do you actually think he would want 50/50 custody? Nothing you’ve written would suggest that to me. I would google universal credit calculator and check if you would be entitled to any benefits if you were to split up and check cm.

I have tried to speak to him and he tells me that I need to get in the real world :| in other words I am expecting too much?

I really don’t know, he does love the children but at the same time doesn’t seem to want any of the hard work. I am imagine he possibly would as his Mum is very involved and he would probably palm them off on her whilst he was at gym etc. Financially I think I would manage, just, but things would be tight.

After reading the comments it has really opened my eyes to the fact something needs to change. I’m not one to jump into things irrationally but I am certainly going to start putting some money aside and thinking about how things could work if I leave.

If I were in your situation I would try a trial period of leaving like neighbours. Just no nagging, no expectations, neutral tone, don’t announce anything. If he has done some chores - fine, hasn’t done - well you wouldn’t expect it from your neighbour would you? Keep neutral weather conversations: “how are you? How was your day? The weather is sunny isn’t it”. Be distant but not in aggressive way.

Focus on yourself, your interests and kids. Think what you can change in your life that can bring more positivity - whether it is swimming, favourite book or walk in the park. Don’t rely on him or expect anything but also be neutral. Put a timeframe for this - eg, like three months. If things don’t start changing after three months, consider divorce.

I know it is easier said than done, especially no nagging and positivity.

You might feel better about leaving if you have an idea of what your finances realistically might be. Have a look at the Entitled To website to see if you can claim any help with housing costs and universal credit. Type in as if you are separated and renting alone.

Like other pps I can't see this man wanting 50% custody of your children. He wouldn't be able to indulge his hobbies and enjoy his freedom like he is now. You would get child maintenance from him and may be better off (fingers crossed he's not self employed).

You have a very selfish and disinterested husband. Been there. It doesn't get any better and you will build up loads of resentment the longer it goes on. He's not even paying his way is he? How about a life with you and the children without him?

“RandomMess · Today 21:15
What are you DC learning from observing your relationship?

Will they both choose a separate lives marriage one your H has, he's copied his parents.”

Exactly this. You run the risk of your children recreating what you’ve got. Far better to separate and explain that what you have isn’t a marriage and isn’t what you would want your DCs to choose for themselves.

He's a lazy, useless, selfish man who's not even being a parent. What's the point of him?

Put yourself first for a change, look after your own mental health and do what's best for you and your lovely kids.

I know it's not as easy as just LTB, but if you do, it will be short term pain for long term gain.

❤️

Oh god, your kids are well and truly old enough to have a mum working full time and I’m sure the costs you save not having him around will surprise you. I’m more financially comfortable as a single mum than I was with a partner who didn’t pull his weight, and a world happier.

It wears you down when you live with someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you. My state of mind improved immensely when I wasn’t living with someone who was always negative, disinterested, passive, frustrating and invalidating of my feelings.

A male perspective: you’re worth more than that - you’re better off alone than living like that, and hopefully you will meet someone who treats you well.

Hello OP, I totally understand your reluctance to leave your marriage. A lot of us stay in an unhappy relationships because we are afraid of what the life would look like after. Everybody is different and will chose a different path, so we cannot tell you what you should do. As someone who left after twenty five years of marriage I can tell you that, for me, it is totally worth it. I do have a lot less money, which often makes me sad because I earn more now then I ever did, but.. my home is my home, I make decisions, I do whatever I want, I do not have to look at his grumpy face, walk around on eggshells, worry what he will and will not do, make excuses for him to my kids as to why he did or did not do something, etc, etc. In short, I am free and it feels amazing! 🥰

Good luck OP!

Thing is if you stay it won't get better, it will very likely get worse.
I doubt he wants the kids 50% of the time based on everything you've written and they are both old enough to say no if he suggests it.

By divorcing you open yourself to the possibility of your life improving rather than getting worse. It's scary and you might want to take time to think about what your future might look like, but sadly he doesn't sound remotely interested in you or the family. Sometimes men become better fathers when they live apart from their children, it can wake them up to the fact they have to put some effort in, and if he doesn't, well it's no different to what they have now.

If you split regarding child arrangements then you can include "offer of first refusal" so if either of you aren't the ones looking after the DC then the other parent has to be offered the opportunity to have the DC instead.

Stops one parent going for 50/50 and then getting family or paid childcare to look after the DC. Presumably it's a way to reduce 50/50 being used to avoid maintenance or to punish the other parent by limiting contact.

No wonder you both have ended up in a similar marriage - and the cycle will continue with your DC following this model - unless you break the cycle and leave.