Am I being abused?

[Anon129]

I'm sorry if this gets confusing. I am so low I don't even know how to function anymore. Long story but my fiancé and I have been together for 11 years, we have a child together and he has a daughter from another relationship, I have three children from previous marriage. Since the beginning he has emotionally cheated on me and I have no proof of it ever went further than that but one time he received photos from a colleague. All the women have been either work colleagues or someone he played sports with. (She was the only woman not to flirt back) He started a new job recently and already he's been more friendly than he needs to be with a colleague who is also now seeming interested in him even though she is married herself. Last night he flew abroad for work and she is with him and he was out until 2.30am. He had been sending me mixed messages all day through text calling me sweetheart then being mean to me or ignoring me completely. I asked to have 10 minutes of his time to talk and he said no. A few hours later he called me, as he heard me start to cry he started swearing at me through gritted teeth so I put the phone down as I had a panic attack. He text why I put the phone down so I said I was sorry but I was going to be sick. He didn't ask if I was ok, just replied "why?" I understand it's totally my fault because I don't have trust in him and I do appreciate everything he does like working hard so I get to be a stay at home mum but the fear of him with her is real for me. He pinched a door last week when I saw the message from her on his computer (wasn't shopping he called me into his office to showe something and it was on the screen) I asked very calmly of I could see what's been said (therapist said to communicate) and he absolutely went mad and screaming and swearing at me punched a door and scared the kids. I left his office and went to pay a board game with the kids. Today I text and asked if we are going to work this out? He replied he's not going over shxt again and he's not calling me he has a busy day. I asked of he still loves me and it was just "yes". I have signed up for therapy again as I know this is my fault and I need to trust him but he blames me for everything. He asked for an example of when he has ever started a row (he claims he has never caused any problems) I have him two examples and he flipped out swearing again and saying "yes that's right I'm an awful fxing person Iay as well end it now". But he asked for an example. I'm now sitting here feeling incredibly numb waiting for a phone call from cardiology for my heart issue and I'm trying to hold back tears. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest I just want him to talk to me. Every time I hear my phone I get a mix of hope that it's him and anxiety in case it's him.

Yes, you are being abused, and quite badly. You keep saying that it’s your fault, but it really isn’t. He is having these dalliances precisely to keep you feeling anxious and insecure, and so that he can accuse you of being controlling or somehow to blame for the emotional abuse and physical violence (punching a door is physical violence towards you, even if he didn’t hit you).this is probably also why he is “allowing” you to be a stay at home mum - so that you are as vulnerable as possible and feel indebted to him.

Your children will know that this is happening, and I’d imagine they are also frightened and upset.

please contact Women’s Aid, get out of the relationship and do not marry him.

You've had therapy - what did your therapist say other than you communicating clearly?

(From what you have written here, yes it does sound abusive to me. I would not accept violence or swearing in the home.)

Your kids are terrified of him but your primary concern is that he might be cheating? I'm sorry but that's upside down. He's an unfit father, a danger to children and should not be living with you. Give him the rope and he'll hang himself soon enough. If he doesn't, please protect these children and tell him to leave. I'm surprised your therapist isn't placing child protection front and centre.

I'm sorry, they are not terrified of him. This was unfortunately the one time they heard and got scared. I don't argue in front of them and I wasn't expecting him to react so angrily towards me asking to view his message. I shouldn't have asked and I wish I hadn't. The children are safe and he has never hurt them. Our arguments are not around them and unfortunately this is one time that it happened, I didn't argue back I left and played with them. I kept all my feelings in until he went abroad so I could safely tell him how I feel without repercussions. My children come first to me and always have, I have always made sure of that.

She asked about my insecurities so I told her about the other women. He admitted he sent them. She asked if it was the other way around would it be ok? He said no and he sees my point and he's sorry. She said if it's ok when I feel insecure if I can talk to him and he said of course it is he's always here for me. I tried to talk last night and this morning but he said he has no time to speak to me he's too busy, although he's been on social media so he has time somewhere I suppose just not for me.

I have contacted them and they told me to go to a hostel. I'm not taking my children to a hostel. I own half the house but I now do not work due to ill health and childcare so I'm worried I will lose my home. I have found myself apologising again today but have got no response. If I had somewhere to go andy own money i would becaise I know he doesn't love or care about me but it's very hard to do when you have no one.

he absolutely went mad and screaming and swearing at me punched a door and scared the kids

This is abuse OP. I’m sorry, but it really is. I bet it’s also not the first time he screams or swears? Even without the kids in the room (who by the way, know WAY more than you think they do - I was that kid with an abusive dad).

I have signed up for therapy again as I know this is my fault and I need to trust him but he blames me for everything

This is NOT your fault. It is not your fault he behaves the way he does - he’s an adult responsible for his own behaviour.

I think finding a good therapist is key here - not one who will just tell you to communicate, but one who can help you realise how abusive he is and how you can get out.

So the house is jointly owned - would you be able to keep it if you filed for divorce? Is it likely you’ll be out of work for a while due to your condition, in which case have you checked what help you might be entitled to?

I know it’s hard to imagine leaving him, but I hope there’s a way you can formulate a plan, and be free of this man, so that you can raise your children in peace. You all deserve it.

Yes you are.. you need to try and leave this awful man

Do yourself and your kids a favour and get rid of him

Yes it is jointly owned. I'm trying to find a job as we speak going against Dr advice because I can't lose my home and make things difficult for the kids. It's not their fault. I shouldn't have messaged him. I can't imagine life without him but he's made it clear he doesn't care about me. He is with this other lady as well speak in a hotel, usually he will be at an office when he travels but this time it's been completely different, he was out all night and now at a hotel so my mind is in overdrive. I feel discarded after 11 years and being put through so much which gets downplayed to me being paranoid.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Have you as yet considered seeing a Solicitor re divorcing this man?. What are the factors preventing you from leaving?.

re an earlier comment you made:
"Our arguments are not around them"

Sound travel and they hear it all from upstairs. Do not kid yourself that they do not know because they do and they are terrified as well.

You are not responsible for his behaviour; this is all on him.

Abuse is about power and control and your H wants absolute here over you and in turn these children who are also being abused because they are seeing you as their mum being abused.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and its not about communication or a perceived lack of either. Your current therapist does not recognise an abused woman so this person is of no use nor ornament to you.

I have asked him last week after he pinched the door to go to his mum's house but he said he's not leaving and I should leave. He knows I have nowhere to go

Your children 100% know what's going on.

They're learning how to walk on eggshells from you. You're being abused and by extension they are too.

You didn't cause him to hit the door and scare the children. He's letting you know that next time it might be you that gets hit to get you back in line.

You do need to start making plans to get out asap. He is a terrible father and is an emotional danger to the children, if not a physical one.

I totally understand not wanting to do that. It would definitely feel like a ‘last resort only’ thing to me, too.

I wasn't meaning to be harsh at all in my post - the fact that you are being abused so horribly isn’t your fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that you must do whatever you can to get out. There will be a way, but I understand it’s very hard to see that now.

someone will be along soon to give you a comprehensive list of practical things that you can do, but you could start with this:

• Stay in contact with Women’s Aid - make it clear to them that you aren’t willing to go to a hostel but see if they can offer any other support.
• get in touch with Surviving Economic Abuse, to see if there is any help they can offer. Your abuser is keeping you financially dependent on him, and financial abuse is present in around 90% of all domestic abuse cases for this reason.
• check out what you might be eligible for if you were to separate. You can contact Income Max, who will help you to find out the maximum amount of benefits you would be entitled to if you were trying to navigate this alone.
• make sure you have copies of all paperwork - mortgage, birth certificates, passports, bank statements etc and give them to someone you trust for safekeeping.

do you have anyone you can talk to about this IRL?

We are not married thankfully just engaged, I know he has control over me but when I express how I feel I get shut down and I start to believe all the things he says about me. I know my trust issues are a problem but I didn't just become like this, there is a reason and it's just difficult to let go of the past.

Next time he starts acting violent, I would be calling the police. That’ll get him out for a while - or do you think that would make him escalate even more?

You're definitely not being paranoid, and I’m sorry he’s trying to gaslight you in that way. Your instincts are right that whatever he’s doing, this man just doesn’t care about or love his family.

Thank you, no I have no one to talk to.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy; do you have any friends in your immediate social circle you can talk to (or are they mainly his friends?). You have taken a small but important step in writing about him on here, abuse thrives on secrecy and its time this was busted wide open.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you actually married to this man or is he still your fiance?. If he is, that was likely deliberate on his part too.

How old are the kids? Does his older child have contact with her mother?

Women's Aid will never "tell" you to do anything, they are just laying out some options based on what you've described to them. If they are strongly suggesting a refuge then that means they think you and or the kids are at risk, if not of physical harm then of emotional/mental harm. Keep talking to the helpline.

Being engaged means nothing in legal terms. He has stitched you up big time here.

He's blatantly cheating in front of your very eyes and gaslights you into thinking its your fault he is like this. No this is all on him. He gave you trust issues because he was and is cheating in front of you!. He is a terrible father to his children if he thinks its okay to treat you as their mother like this.

Has it always been this way with other women?

He sounds horrible OP. Definitely abusive.
The fact the kids are terrified is not acceptable. It's in their interests for you to remove yourself and them from him.
Could you tell him it's over, you'll sell the house and split the money, but for now he should move out while the divorce is organised? I know it's scary but you can make it in life without someone like him dragging you down.
If you're splitting, look into what benefits you're entitled to as a single parent. Even if you're still under the same roof you can still claim as an individual if you're parting ways. Have you claimed PIP? If your illness effects your day to day living then you may be entitled.

Indeed as Jangly Beads writes, WA would never tell you to do anything but they can see you and your kids are at risk. Trying to protect your kids from his abuses of you whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task.

OP is not married to him.