Lacking intimacy. What can I do better here?

[TryingOverHere]

A long time ago I remember seeing a post by someone who was the husband in the relationship and was getting advice from relationship forums, and commented on how they helped him see things from his wife's point of view and it helped their marriage.

I myself am in a position where I would like to try that. To be clear I'm the husband and father in my scenario.

We have been married me and my wife for ten years, and have two awesome children. Since our daughters birth, our youngest me and my wife's physical relationship has been never quite the same. Of course as expected immediately after a new one comes along thats to be expected. But she's five now, and still we rarely have any intimacy.

But we still cuddle, I'm still told how much I'm loved, fancied, comments on my appearance in a top that makes me look good or something about my hair that day..but she never comes near me in bed. If I initiate things, she'll be very happy to allow me to continue and I'll use that as a way of stirring the interest. And that will finish with me satisfying her needs. But then that's it. No intent or desire to reciprocate, it never leads to actual..you know.. and then it's all forgotten about.

And then it's another week, or longer if I'm not doing the come on.

I've had more than one very open conversation about this with her. And while we seem to agree on there being nothing that is stopping that from her point of view, and very much a desire to work on making that better, frankly it has never. Or perhaps some slight improvement for a week and back to normal.

I'm genuinely perplexed but of course am only seeing one side. So I want to try to understand if anyone here has been on the other side and might give me some clues about trying to bring that side of our relationship back to a more healthy balance. I know physical intimacy isn't the be all and end all, but to me it's a big part of showing love.

First things first, talk to your wife. Communicate. Don't do a tit for tat talk. Ask if she would have counselling with you.

Talk to her when the kids not about. Communication is always key. Do you take her on dates? Have your own separate time. Do you create opportunities for her to have time on her own? All these things count.

The last time we had a good chat about it was a few weeks ago, and when the children werent around. A bit tricky right now with it being the school summer hols of course. But I really felt like it cleared the air actually, and there was a notificable difference in our communication for about a week.

Admittedly, we rarely do thing just us. We don't really have many options for child management, no in laws nearby etc. I'd say once a year at best. Not at either of our choice.

She does have normally the daytime when the kids are at school by herself when I'm at work for 'me time'. Though I'm aware that time goes much more quickly than you'd think. I do take the kids out to the park after work to give mum some space but that could probably move up a gear in frequency.

She could be feeling run down..? Or that you’re not pulling your weight during the day with household responsibilities or the kids..?

As a woman this can make us feel taken advantage of and therefore why would we want to be intimate with someone who makes us feel that way..?

Maybe her self esteem is low..? Our bodies change after having children and it can play a big part in how we see ourselves or how our partners see us.. As we age our hormones change, sex drives become lower..

Honestly, it could be anything but you won’t know unless she opens up to you and shares what’s going on..

Thank you. She has said when talking that she is body conscious after our daughter. Like an idiot I try to remind her how attractive I find her, compliment her etc but of course it's a personal issue not one that can necessarily be fixed by flattery. Least not by your hubby.

She does do the lions share of taking care of the kids. Perhaps I'm actually missing something there. I am an involved father and do do stuff, but for sure she does way more than I do in the parental chores department.

I'll try to do more without stepping on toes and see if that gets a positive reaction. I'm not expecting anything too drastic of course I mean just positive in her response to it 🙂

Its good to see that you’re aware of things, most males aren’t (sorry)..

Telling her how much you admire and still desire her body won’t do much it’s an internal struggle unfortunately.. Maybe let her vent to you what she feels she’s unhappy with.. If it’s weight related ask her what she might like to do to help it.. Maybe she’d like to go for afternoon walks whether it’s with everyone or by herself.. But let her tell you, it’s a touchy subject..

Maybe after she cooks dinner you could clear the table or wash all the dishes.. But try doing it on a more regular basis rather than a one off.. Men sometimes need to be told what needs to be done around the house so just getting up and doing it is like a weight has been lifted.. Honestly, it’s the small things that make a big difference..

I've had more than one very open conversation about this with her. And while we seem to agree on there being nothing that is stopping that from her point of view

So is she saying that she doesn't have a libido and can't think of any reason why? Obviously normally people will look at the biggest stressor in their life and put it down to that..so stress/exhaustion etc. but sometimes it could be hormones and it might be hard to pinpoint that, is she on any hormonal contraception?

Thank you. I appreciate the viewpoint I really do.

I've previously struggled to ger her out on walks but the most recent time I suggested it she came and really enjoyed it. As you say it can be a touchy subject so maybe just picking back up on that would be good without saying too much else.

And yes, I think that being proactive about showing my appreciation after spending the day caring for and feeding the kids might be a good addition. I do these things, but as you say more regularly would certainly be something I'm in control of!

Ideas..
Try some surprise lunch drop ins, with flowers.

Engage a baby sitter once per month.

Both go to bed earlier, if you can, more regularly.
Would Vietnamese take-away go astray?

Install a slide "lock" on your bedroom door.

Play romantic music at dinner time. Michael Buble, Bobby Darin, Barbra Steisand - the kids will soon know all the words.

Have movie night sometimes. First film for kids while you guys tidy kitchen, do laundry etc and second film for only adults to watch with a wine, some chocolate etc.

Each weekend go bush walking in a nature reserve with the whole family. The kids will roam wild and be not bother some, Trees will freshen up every outlook.

Plant flowers. Become a flower lover, grower and display your blooms. (My old Dad was always in the good books when bringing in Daffodils, Roses, Camelias, Gladiolas etc.)

No hormone contraception no. No longer necessary without TMI.

But for sure I take the point on overall exhaustion from the kids demands.

She spends a fair amount of time on her phone, she watches netflix on it or plays games etc and I think that's her kind of her unwind time. Socials and the like but I have nothing on my mind in that regard, just saying because it might be normal it might be indicative of escapism maybe from the hum drum of mum life.

I’m sure that by helping her out where you can that she’ll start to feel appreciated and cared about and that she’ll feel as though she has free time which in turn will become your time.. Its exhausting being a mum.. Kids take up all our physical and mental time on top of all our other responsibilities so sharing that with her should do the trick.. I always say that women need to feel as though we have a partner and not another person we need to care for and it can feel that way the longer you’re together.. I really hope to see you both thrive and look forward to an update.

Thank you so much for these ideas.

I do keep a nice garden, but she hates gardening ha ha.

Thank you so much for the advice. 😊

My pleasure.. I was just reading the other comments and your replies..

In regards to her being on her phone I do agree that it’s an escape. Its a way to switch off and get lost in something other than your daily routine..

Maybe when you see her on her phone you could take her by the hand and say “let’s go for a nice drive” (you do the driving of course) go get a dessert from somewhere or take a nice scenic route..

Remember, exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy, help to destress and to improve well being..

Has she said that she's tired or exhausted to you? Just trying to assess the communication here.

Does she have friends or ever go out and do anything for herself or go to classes etc? Is she a stay at home mother?

Could she be worried about getting pregnant again?

I understand she's a stay at home mum with school aged children, right? Speaking kindly, if this is exhausting get to the point of not wanting to be near you there are probably other issues at play

To push a point: "Men sometimes need to be told what needs to be done around the house so just getting up and doing it is like a weight has been lifted"

(Full disclosure: I too am male, so I'm afraid not really giving that 'other side' perspective. Anyway)

That bit is sometimes named mental load . One difficulty there is if you "help around the house" your DW remains the manager of it all so to speak.

I learnt to take care of whole chunks of things from end to end. For example if you put a wash cycle on you also check that there'll be space to dry, and fold the dry clothes away, and lay the wet ones out.

The trick is you're relieving her from thinking about it. Another good example might be tidying up after dinner: you put things away, fill the dishwasher, clean the surfaces, wash dishes that need it... leave her finding out she doesn't even need to think about it. It's your house, take charge.

You’re exactly right.. Well said..

It sounds like she is not really interested in sex with you or at least isn’t being a reciprocal sexual partner. She is being a lazy or selfish lover, but perhaps she doesn’t realise that and perhaps she thinks you are happy?

No amount of housework, romantic music, or flowers are going to fix that. Exciting sex didn’t mix well with mundane family life unfortunately.

The book mating in captivity by Esther Perel explains this well. Her podcast of great too

you need to talk with her and tell her what you want.

If it was the wife saying .. i want to enjoy sex with my husband but he just gets his orgasm and then falls asleep the answers on here wouldn’t be saying.. do you cook him a nice dinner and let him know you appreciate him!

Have an adult conversation with her and let her know what you would like from sex together

I agree. She has acres of alone time of that's her schedule and tbh if I was working and my DH was home all day then, school holidays aside, I'd be expecting him to do the majority of housework and life admin. Free time should be equal.

It sounds like she has just totally gone off sex. Do you think she enjoyed it pre kids, or could it have been a means to an end with her (ie just to get pregnant)?

What a refreshing post to read. Great to see you'd like to understand the situation better.
I'm 39 and have 2 children (2 and 5) and me and my husband have been through this. Weve started exercising at 5.30am before the kids are up. Yes I know that sounds another thing to make her tired however I have loads more energy for the day and more interest in other things. It also means we are both ready for the kids getting up and can work as a team for breakfast, showers etc rather than me feeling like I have to squeeze in getting ready.
Date nights are a must. Find a local babysitter (ask at school or your local nursery) get them round in the day time with you there first so your children can bond with them and make it easier for you to go out without your wife worrying about the children.
Think of ideas you can do as a family at weekends so the mental load is lessened then. Get up and pack a picnic if you're going out for the day. One less thing for her to think about.
Have you ever bought her clothes? My husband did when I was feeling fed up with my appearance. He ordered loads from next for me to try on, in my own time. Might make her feel a bit happier in her own skin.
Any activities you can do in the evening to encourage conversation may help - board game evening, date nights at home where you cook and she sits and talks to you with a glass of wine in hand.

Early nights are good ideas however I wouldn't immediately make a move on her if you do this. You dont want her to feel like she has to have an early night as you want sex. I think the key is to get her feeling happier again and more like her old self. It's extremely easy to lose your identity as a mum and for sex to feel like another thing to do. Small steps are key.

Hi I’ve been where you are and after a few years we have come through to a more balanced place. It is inevitably dependent on how much work your prepared to put in and how also your wife is receptive to concepts of change.

I have been on here for years and have taken good advice. One of the most interesting things was how your issue can be framed as a male trope but on here and the sex board three a many women also in the exact same situation.

what’s interesting is when I’ve reached out to men on here it has been stark how many really want the sex back but are not really prepared to do the work. Working on it and trying to not be another divorce stat can be a more cost effective solution both financially and emotionally.

I used a whole family approach as has been touched on a bit here. doing rather than helping understanding mental load and its impacts and understanding that the bar for dads is low and that taking the kids to the park and tidying is a bare minimum.

if you PM me I’d be happy to share the extensive reading list and also have a chat. No bother if you don’t fancy it.

good luck it’s a journey not a sprint 👍

OP, l have read so many nearly identical posts to yours on here and there's nearly always a reason for this. If your wife is home all day and you do your fair share with the children and chores then it's not just that she's too exhausted for intimacy. The only way to find out why is to communicate. Have an honest conversation and tell her how you are feeling. You've mentioned she has previously made a brief effort when you've spoken about it previously but that soon dies down again.
Explain how much intimacy means to you and ask what she suggests. You don't mention your ages but she could be hormonal in which case hrt could help with libido for a start. It may be that she has just gone off sex, or that it's not a priority to her any more but she needs to appreciate that you haven't, that you miss it and that this is making you unhappy.

The youngest is only 5. What age do kids start school in the UK?

If someone is exhausted from the time period when they had a young kid at home their body doesn't suddenly right itself as soon as they go back to school.

It's not the simple exhaustion someone might get from a really long day that is fixed by a nights sleep! It can be an all encompassing exhaustion affecting you physically, mentally, emotionally and that really sucks the life out of you.

I've had quite a few stressful periods in my life (didn't have a partner at the time so lack of libido for a partner wasn't an issue) but even when the issues resolved or things were getting better I always saw that as a transition period or recovery time as I got back to myself. Stressful or exhausting periods can really take their toll!

Not recently no. But she does a lot around the house as a stay at home mum, so I would expect things to be a little samey and no, she doesn't do a lot outside of the kids. Sometimes they can do things with other mums and kid groups, or just without me (only as I'm working) but perhaps a bit more adult company would be healthier. I guess it's hard to find the time when your a full time mum to do anything not child related, especially with a 5 year old.

But I plan to make opportunities for both us and her as I'm reading good viewpoints on here.
I'm genuinely trying to pick up on things I'm doing or not doing that can help.