Upset that family member commented on our relationship

[confusedlots]

We've had a tough few years,very stressful major house renovations, serious illness in an elderly parent, and I have been generally overwhelmed and stressed with life in general. It's not been great and we have had arguments, but we are giving things a go at the minute. I'm getting on with things and probably feeling a bit sensitive about things.

I have an older relative who I see once or twice a year (due to distance) and who we have seen quite a lot over the past couple of weeks as she has been staying close by. She clearly found an opportunity to get me on my own and cornered me asking me about our relationship, basically implying that we must not be in a good place. I'm just so upset by it. Her and her DH never had kids, have had relatively little stresses in their lives apart from some minor illnesses, and I just feel so upset that she felt the need to comment on our relationship when she hardly sees us. Yes I might think similar about some other couples, but I would never dream of saying it out loud to them unless it was something they had brought up. Just feeling very sensitive and upset about it.

Tell her it's absolutely none of her business and she knows nothing about your relationship.

Are you close enough that she may be asking you in a roundabout way if youd like her to offer support in some way (practical or financial) or is she asking just to be nosy? Only you know your relationship, so talk or thank her for her concern and shut her down.

I know it's hard not to let something like this upset you. But as pp said you should just tell her you and your DH are dealing with things in your own way and really it's no one else's business.
At least if she lives a distance away and is only staying near you temporarily you at least can look forward to her going back to from whence she came. Hopefully soon.
Just keep reminding yourself it's not her life. It's yours .

It sounds as though it was coming from a place of concern, no?

She clearly found an opportunity to get me on my own and cornered me asking me about our relationship, basically implying that we must not be in a good place

It’s not clear what she said that upset you? Why would she just say out of the blue you must not be in a good place, did she notice a certain behaviour from one of you? Why would she question your relationship in the first place? Does she have form for being nasty, do you not like her in general?

From what you’ve given it’s hard to know what advice to give. I’d potentially try to have a laugh with DH about it and let it make you stronger/closer?

She seems to have noticed something and was likely to have been giving you opportunity to talk if you needed to. You say she got you on your own so she wasn't stirring things.
You say she's had little stress in her own life but I'd hazard a guess that that's not the case. She clearly recognised signs that something's wrong and could well have experienced similar herself and knows what it looks like when you're trying to hold the cracks together. She could well be a valuable source of support for you.

Is this just you being ultra sensitive as you've been going through a rough patch or do you think they were being deliberately insensitive? I think if this person is often uncaring and insensitive you've a right to be upset but if they're generally a good egg maybe they were just concerned and reaching out in case you needed support. .

Take control of the situation.
You confided in her which was obviously a mistake, but you feel she cornered you.
Not nice.

If she comments again tell her you have no wish to hear her opinions on your relationship and life, from her stress free ivory tower, and that you will not make the mistake of confiding in her again under pressure.

It sounds like a very difficult time.
Renovations would put many marriages u her stress, not to mind everything else.

Give yourself a slap on the back for trying to move on from these things.

If she hardly sees you how does she know about your relationship issues?

If she picked up that things were off between you and your DH from spending time with you, then it must be pretty bad to be that obvious to others.

In that case I’d suggest she’s asking out of concern for you.

She’s seen things that don’t look ok and she’s asking you. Family do that - the idea they are being nosy never occurs to them (at least in my experience)

Assume it comes from concern for you and don’t dwell on it. Her opinion doesn’t have any impact on your reality.

This would be my take on it as well....unless there is anything specific about her that would suggest she was just being nosy. But it it doesn't seem that way.

I don't think it was meant to be nasty, but even if you think a family member you don't know all that well is going through some marriage problems, it seems a bit misplaced to wade in there and ask about it.

I guess I'm also upset because I know I've been irritable with DH lately but it must have been really noticeable for her to bring it up, so no doubt it will be affecting the kids too and that makes me feel really upset and guilty.
If it had been the other way around, I might have tried to offer some gentle support in other ways, maybe offer to babysit one night so DH and I could go out for dinner, which would have maybe given us some much needed time out to try and work on things ourselves, not jumping in there with questions which has just resulted in me feeling rubbish.

I dunno, maybe I'm an insensitive jerk then because if my sister was over here being irritable with her husband and seemed off or upset or stressed out I'd definitely try and get her on her own and ask if everything was ok. Your emotional state was obvious enough that she noticed so it's surely just concern that drove her?

Or are you actually upset because you thought you were hiding it better?

It maybe that she was just being nosey, but it may also be that she is concerned and wanted to talk to you so that you would know she is there if you need her. It is understandable that in a situation that you are finding difficult, her comments just made you feel worse, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. If babysitting or something like that would be a help to you, maybe ask her if she could do that?

I think you are trying to avoid the issue and blaming her for asking.

How would she know that babysitting once might help? Or that’s even what you want if you seem constantly irritated by him?

I think you know the issues are bad, feel embarrassed it’s so obvious, feel upset that other people are picking up on it (including the kids and getting annoyed at her rather that facing up to the actual issues

Definitely sounds like you’re reacting badly to someone trying to show care and concern.

By the way, you cannot POSSIBLY know that someone else has only experienced minor stresses. You just can’t. I’d stop assuming that.

So she can’t approach you to have a conversation but she should offer her services to babysit? Come on OP 🤣

Did the questions really make you feel rubbish though or did you already feel that way?

Sometimes we can have very strong feelings that aren’t a reaction to the thing we think has caused them.

Exactly.

It sounds as though things are bad enough that a) someone noticed and b) that it was bad enough that she was concerned for you and felt that she needed to check in with you privately to make sure you're okay.

I can't imagine that this came from any place other than concern for you.

Was your DH treating you badly in front of her?
In your position I'd be embarrassed, but grateful that someone cared enough to have that difficult conversation. I'd also be wondering if I was underplaying the situation to myself, if it was that obvious to her.

I think you are over reacting. The fact that this relative does not see you frequently, she is able to see the situation from a dispassionate perspective. The fact that she sought to have a discrete conversation indicates that she wanted to make sure you are ok. I'd be grateful that she cared enough to talk to you and not just ignore what she had observed.

It seems this has upset you because it has highlighted your behaviour to yourself. Its not so much the relative you’re upset with but more the situation.

as you said, if it’s something she’s picked up without seeing you often and something your kids are definitely picking up on.

it doesn’t seem like she came from a bad place. Family do generally try to help each other out if they see their loved ones struggling with something (despite what is portrayed on MN) unless she has history of butting in where she’s not needed.

I guess I'm also upset because I know I've been irritable with DH lately but it must have been really noticeable for her to bring it up, so no doubt it will be affecting the kids too and that makes me feel really upset and guilty.

Bingo!

This is what's upsetting you really. All your relative did was hold a mirror up to you.

The realisation that your problems are visible to others is upsetting, I get that.

But you can't blame the concerned relative really.

This. You're kneejerking in defensiveness because you don't like what you saw in the mirror she held up to you.

She was concerned. She tried to have a conversation with you, in privacy and with respect. That is the adult way to approach things. Your response is about you and your situation, not what she did.

Could she have been trying to offer support/give you the opportunity to talk?