Not unbearable but feel if I'm going to leave, I have to whilst kids are still young?

[ConflictedMom]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I am 30 and he is 50. We have two small children, a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old.

In short, I guess.

He wants a sexual relationship with me, I do not want one with him anymore. I don't enjoy him initiating anything with me, even a cuddle, but feel I need to allow it out of obligation which is affecting me. I do feel sexually attracted to other men but not to him. I do think his age plays a large factor here being brutally honest.

Their is resentment there, on his part for me being so unavailable to him, I guess. I carry a lot of resentment too about feeling like I'm missing, and have missed a decade of my life where I could have had that. He is a man of few words and I don't feel we have a close bond which would lead to natural intimacy.

He is however a wonderful, hands on father. Kids adore him. I would even go as far as to say there is no default parent situation, he does as much as me, night feeds were always shared, he gets up with them most mornings, is involved in school life etc for eldest. Schools runs fall to me because of working hours.

It's never been quite bad enough to leave, we have had periods where we argue quite badly in front of the children which we are currently not doing, thankfully. In a way though it makes it harder to leave. I enjoy the time we spend as a 4, days out, holidays etc but I find being at home draining a lot of the time and don't feel him and I share any moments as a couple during these times we spend as a family.

I think it comes down to whether I can do this forever, which I don't think I can. I've made my vows however, and I know my children would struggle with divorce, maybe not the youngest as such, but they are both very attached to their dad. I think I'm putting a lot of stress on myself to make a final decision now, whilst they are young enough to not really remember differently, and yes I am conscious of wanting to be young enough to meet someone else eventually. I hate the thought of being alone forever, although I wouldn't rush to move on.

I think I'm just totally lost. He is trying so hard to rub along well at the moment. He has said he wants to 'win me back over' and rebuild an intimate relationship. He wants to be a 'full time dad' and see them every day. He hates the thought of us divorcing. I don't really know how to move forward from here.

Were you sexually attracted to this man who is 20 years your senior when you met and were first involved with him?.When did the attraction die for you?

I came from an abusive household, and still lived with my parents. He was a manager at my work and pursued me and within weeks I had moved in with him. It was exciting, and I felt like an adult for the first time in my life and was relieved to of escaped my home. My husband has always been kind to me, it wasn't abusive ever in that sense, and obviously I was a 22 year old who thought I was more mature and able to make these decisions than maybe I was. We moved away a few months later together, and then I was in a position where I only had him. I didn't live near my friends or family anymore. It was a bit of a 'perfect storm' where under healthier circumstances it's not a relationship I would ever of entered and would have ended up leaving far sooner.

Sexual attraction wise, at first I think yes, it would be unfair to say otherwise. It didn't last very long however, and has very much been a get it over with, or trying to get pregnant job for atleast the last 5/6 years.

Sounds like you did want to have the two children. I asked when you lost interest in him sexually because it might have been related to your having two very young children and all the stress that can bring.

Yes, I did want the kids. I felt like I wanted to grow up and keep up with him almost, I remember saying to my mum that I wished I was 30 so that it wasn't as embarrassing introducing myself to people as his girlfriend. I also felt very alone as we only had each other after the move, he worked long hours and I no longer worked (at that point) and had no opportunities to meet people. I hoped I'd make friends through baby groups etc.

I can't really pinpoint when the sexual desire, or the feeling of love, kind of dissipated. It feels more like I was playing house for years, focusing on the objectives - move away from abusive father, move in with him, moving away, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting pregnant, trying to make friends, planning another baby etc. I think it's almost like I got to a point where I had built an entire life and I've spent the last couple of years trying to convince myself I want it. I think the issue is I've got everything that I ever wanted but I did all of it with the first person that could take me away from the situation I was in and not actually the person that me, as the woman I am today, would of chosen. I judge myself, and to a lesser extent him for that, I berate myself for not knowing better and for him not realising I was too naive for it all?

You must leave and do it as soon as possible. It is the only honorable thing to do. Make it as amicable as possible and allow him as much access to the DC as he wishes.

I struggle because it just feels more nuanced than that, and as soon as I make my mind up one way, I change it back the other.

After the whirlwind of the last few years, the blinkers have fallen off and now you’ve thinking ‘ahhhhhh what was I thinking’? You’ve simply outgrown your H. Given your age you got together, your abusive parent and the age difference/ power dynamic between you and your H, what’s happening is no great surprise. I can totally understand the attractiveness of a white knight to your younger self, especially given your background.

I think you would benefit from talking to a professional to help you unpack the last decade. Not only to support you through separation but also to lay down the foundations for healthier relationships going forward.

Yes life is too short. Leave him, get help from a counsellor or mediator to coparent amicably, and then get saying someone you actually fancy. X

It just feels so difficult as I think could this be ok, if we can be friends and co-parent and let the kids keep their family unit? I just don't know. I feel so much guilt.

OP, you went from one abusive relationship to another.
He was 42 preying on a very vulnerable abused 22 year old.

He quickly moved you away from everything you knew.
You haven't worked and spent years at home.
He is a very very controlling man and you have been controlled for years.

Now you are dealing with a sexually coercive relationship too.
Please contact Women's aid for a chat.
Stop thinking about this old man that preyed on a very young woman🤢🤮.

He is not your concern.
You need help to get away from him with your children, that is your first responsibility, to yourself, ahead of the children's relationship with him.

Have you a daughter?
How would you feel about her in your circumstances?

You poor poor young women.
It is time to break free of him.
Do not have sex with him again.
If he guilts you into it, that is RAPE.
Do not be confused on that score.

RAPE is when a man uses coercion to get sex.
Start educating yourself.
You owe him NOTHING.
He was much older than you and knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

First call Womens aid.
Speak to your GP too.

We are here for you.

OP he really should have forseen this might happen. Quite possibly he did. He "pursued" a woman 20 years his junior who he may already have realised was pretty desperate for a helping hand oit of her awful home situation. Tbh what he did seems a bit icky from where I'm standing. I don't think you should feel guilty, because basically all you have done is grown up. How could he expect a 20-year-old not to grow up???

A 40+ man going after a 20 year old is not "pursuing", it's grooming. He's not looking for intellectual or social company but simply wants the physical thrill of having a girl barely out of her teens. Big red flags tbh, and if you have daughters, it may not be a bad idea to leave asap.

Honestly, I think you are being unfair to him by staying. He wants a close and loving relationship and you are no longer attracted to him. You talk about wasting almost a decade of your life with him as though you somehow had no choice in this. Allowing him to think he will be able to 'win you round' is cruel and dishonest. If you are going to leave, and it sounds like you are, it's better to do it now while the children are small enough to not remember much about their parents being together. He can still be a very loving and involved father and will probably want 50/50 parental time. It will be hard to make the break initially but in the long run it will probably be better for everyone if you parted.

I'm terrified of actually going ahead with, plagued with thoughts of he is a good dad and in most senses, a good partner. He can definitely be very unkind at times, occasionally aggressive. Does it get better? Am I just chasing something that doesn't exist?

On the other hand it feels incredibly claustrophobic living with someone as my husband who I don't feel intimately about.

Sounds like it's better for you, him and the kids if you break up.

You both deserve someone who you want to be intimate with.

It feels like I'm trading off our family time which I do enjoy and will lose, for an intimate relationship with someone else. Our kids lose out on family time. Our kids gain nothing from me having an intimate relationship with someone else. It feels inherently selfish and I'm really struggling with that.

Would it help to take the idea of finding a new partner out of the equation? Because there's no guarantee that that will be an easy process. It also sounds like you would benefit hugely from some time being single, figuring yourself out, as you didn't get that time in your 20s. So you're not "breaking up" a family to go find a new man; you're doing it to discover yourself.

It will be much easier to leave now when the kids are small and won't remember anything different than if you wait.

I was in a similar situation but stayed for too long. I met my husband was I was 21, he was 36. We moved in together quite quickly and we went onto spend 22 years together and have 4 children.
I was sexually abused as a teenager and think I saw my husband as my “white knight”. After about 9 years of our relationship I knew I had had enough, I did t want to have sex which caused arguments, and husband became very controlling. Checking my phone, putting location apps on my phone to see where is was, getting people to follow me, accusing my of affairs which I never had. I stuck this out for 11 years more, till I got him to leave. Since he has left he has made my life hell and he currently has a restraining order.
You need to leave now, I regret not doing it sooner. Your children will adapt and in a years time u will thank urself for it. Life is too short

Co parenting doesn't have to be about "his time" with the kids and then "your time". I know families who holiday together, have family days out together, spend Sundays together and yet they are separated/divorced and, in some cases, have other romantic partners. However, in all these cases the split was amicable and importantly there was no one else involved. I fear that if you stay, what happened to me could happen to you. Another man (another knight) comes along and suggests that life is too short to not be enjoyed. You believe that you should stay for the kids despite being miserable and you believe in the vows you took. He convinces you that "if no one knows, no one gets hurt" You believe that this new knight will simply be a crutch to get you through. You still don't leave because of those vows you took. The kids get older. You finally realise that you don't love your husband and he is as entitled to real love as much as you are. You work up the courage to leave. The kids suffer a bit but still enjoy family times all together. Then he finds out about the other man (which was over before the separation) The shit hits the fan. He's devastated, you (rightly) feel like a traitor, the kids don't have a clue what's happening just that their parents now hate each other and they are stuck in the middle and co parenting with holidays together no longer and will never happen again. Don't be me. Leave while you are friends.

This is the problem with our patriarchal society. I too had an abusive father and the only 'accepted' way to escape was to find another man to marry and play house with. That man also turned out to be abusive (surprise surprise) and it was only with the financial help from my mother who had passed (inheritance) that I managed to escape. I don't think you've even had a chance to live independently and you're having to think about sacrificing yourself, as a woman, to your husband and children. Don't do it - your children won't thank you for sacrificing yourself.

I really feel this. I just wish he could get on board. He's so adamant we can get the sexual chemistry and attraction and be happy and in love and I just wish he would just agree that we are platonic and better co-parenting as friends. Maybe that's just selfish of me though!

Once it's gone, it's really hard to get back, and you both have to want to get it back, which doesn't sound like you particularly do. Definitely NOT selfish of you. What would be better for him ? Keeping his hopes up and staying with him, resenting him and, possibly, finally betraying him ? What would be better for the kids ? Growing up with separated parents who like each other, co parent together and spend time all together ? Or separated parents who despise each other, where all parenting is having to be done through an app ? Or growing up in an environment where they don't see what really love for your partner is, where tension is constantly present, where (as they mature) they realise Mum sacrificed her own happiness for them ?
Chosing your own happiness is not a being selfish, you cannot spread happiness to your children if you don't have any within you to give.