Not unbearable but feel if I'm going to leave, I have to whilst kids are still young?

[ConflictedMom]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I am 30 and he is 50. We have two small children, a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old.

In short, I guess.

He wants a sexual relationship with me, I do not want one with him anymore. I don't enjoy him initiating anything with me, even a cuddle, but feel I need to allow it out of obligation which is affecting me. I do feel sexually attracted to other men but not to him. I do think his age plays a large factor here being brutally honest.

Their is resentment there, on his part for me being so unavailable to him, I guess. I carry a lot of resentment too about feeling like I'm missing, and have missed a decade of my life where I could have had that. He is a man of few words and I don't feel we have a close bond which would lead to natural intimacy.

He is however a wonderful, hands on father. Kids adore him. I would even go as far as to say there is no default parent situation, he does as much as me, night feeds were always shared, he gets up with them most mornings, is involved in school life etc for eldest. Schools runs fall to me because of working hours.

It's never been quite bad enough to leave, we have had periods where we argue quite badly in front of the children which we are currently not doing, thankfully. In a way though it makes it harder to leave. I enjoy the time we spend as a 4, days out, holidays etc but I find being at home draining a lot of the time and don't feel him and I share any moments as a couple during these times we spend as a family.

I think it comes down to whether I can do this forever, which I don't think I can. I've made my vows however, and I know my children would struggle with divorce, maybe not the youngest as such, but they are both very attached to their dad. I think I'm putting a lot of stress on myself to make a final decision now, whilst they are young enough to not really remember differently, and yes I am conscious of wanting to be young enough to meet someone else eventually. I hate the thought of being alone forever, although I wouldn't rush to move on.

I think I'm just totally lost. He is trying so hard to rub along well at the moment. He has said he wants to 'win me back over' and rebuild an intimate relationship. He wants to be a 'full time dad' and see them every day. He hates the thought of us divorcing. I don't really know how to move forward from here.

I’m in exactly the same situation minus the bigger age gap. I met him at a time when I was very vulnerable. We have a newborn and 3.5 year old and I’m so deeply unhappy in this “relationship” with him. We do family time and days out which I love but have zero connection or compatibility other than parenting. He cannot connect emotionally or offer any intimacy or emotional support so it’s like living with a robot (for reasons I won’t go into as MN posters will shoot me down) He’s a great provider and will do anything for me and DC practically but all the meaningful stuff in a relationship / partnership / parenting is just not there. He doesn’t talk much so we rarely connect and without that connection there is no relationship that leads to any form of intimacy. You can’t have a relationship without the relation part. I miss connecting and intimacy so much (not even physical just emotional) I’m starving for it actually. He’s happy with how the relationship is and doesn’t see any problem. If I mention it he’s cannot understand the issue even though we’ve had sex 3 times since our first child was born. I can’t leave yet because of the children’s ages. I grew up in a single parent household and I vowed to not repeat the same pattern but all I know is I can’t live like this forever. It’s soul destroying. I’m mid 30’s and will wait until my eldest is around 10 so I’ll be 40 when I leave. The thought of loosing out on time co parenting my young children is enough for me to sacrifice a few more years of my life, plus I wouldn’t even want to date with them being young and missing out on more time with them because of a new relationship and then having to work more to provide for us alone. It’s shit, deep down I’m dying inside but no one see’s it and that’s how it will stay at least until my children are a bit older. Leaving feels selfish even thought I know it’s not but everyone losses out especially DC if I leave now. Sometimes we have to make those sacrifices for them and that is my choice but certainly not forever. Once you feel like this OP it’s just a matter of when not if. But I completely relate to feeling of wanting to make the leap and being scared of either direction. I would change my mind multiple times a day going back and forth in my own head until I set up clearly in my mind how long I will live like this for. I’m not saying that staying for a while longer is the right decision for you because in this situation it really is a loose loose but just make sure it’s a decision you feel is the right one for you.

@hotpotato3 please do not wait till your eldest is 10 - I have a 10yo who I know will take it v badly if I divorce my H and in a similar situation to you - our relationship is dead... 10 seems to be that middle ground where they understand enough to know what's happening, but not grown up enough to realise why a parent being miserable isn't good... if o could have my time again I'd leave before my eldest was 6... they seem much more adaptable when that age... 😔

I left. After years of turmoil about whether I should leave, I actually left. I've moved out, I've bought my own car, my kids are ok, and I already feel the happiest I have in so many years. The relief I feel is insane. Not a doubt in my mind. It's been the hardest month of my life but I did it.

Well done @ConflictedMom ! I'm actually jealous that you've been able to be so decisive and got out when the kids are still small! Enjoy ❤️

Well done! Did you take the children with you?

We're splitting the time with the kids 50:50. At first I was devastated to be honest, felt like I'd lose half their childhoods. But I love my me time. I feel like my own person again, not just a wife and mother.

Absolutely delighted to read this.
Well done.
How brave you are.
Do not waste a second on sympathy for a conniving predator that preyed on a very vulnerable abused women.
So pleased for you and your children.

Oh well done! I started reading this thread thinking you must leave, you only get one life.

I'm so happy for you to read your update.

I am so pleased for you. I left a controlling man (who was great a lot of the time too) four years ago. Whilst there have been challenges - financially, the ups and downs of dating again and more - it’s so good to have the freedom and so much better to do it whilst the kids are young (mine were 8 and 5). Well bloody done. There will be some challenges of course but life is too short to stay in that relationship.

Oh wow OP well done you!!

I left and regretted it and went back. It wasn’t right for me to leave. I felt awful and missed our lives together

42 year old pursuing a 22 year old when they are in the same work place and at a senior level isn't right at all.
It's creepy .
Sounds like you should leave and just co parent . And don't feel guilty about it

Congratulatuons OP! This is the beginning of your life. Take time to really find yourself, enjoy life, maybe some counselling (I agree with other posters - you were young, vulnerable and groomed into your situation. If you were 10 years older when you met you wouldn’t have chosen him). You are a shining example for others in your situation. Good luck

Your upbringing has a lot to do with you escaping with a much older partner feeling safe escaping horrible times at home.
Now you have matured you will feel the changes in yourself .
You must not feel guilty for feeling this way at the same time your husband knew the pitfalls he married a much younger women he had much more wisdom and experience at life than you did.
Dont have sex when you dont want too this tells you so much about how your feeling.
Your husband can still be a good father and be in his childrens lives in lots of ways if you split amicably.