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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The dreaded Ex-girlfriend...

26 replies

Janos · 15/04/2008 21:18

Yeah, crap title I know but it's short and snappy.

I've got this nagging insecure feeling about my boyfriend's ex. It's kind of hard to put into words exactly why I feel this way but I'll try.

Key things I think are that she's a lot younger than me (she's early 20s, me mid 30s). I've had a baby and my body is not in tip top condition to say the least. I've also seen a couple of pictures - he's shown me - and oh blimey do I feel inadequate

Other thing is she split up with him and from what he's told me (quite a lot) it was very painful, she cheated, he was devastated (this happened about 9 months ago).

I should add he treats me really well, kind, funny, thoughtful etc so why is this bothering me? I'm uncomfortable bringing it up with him - how I feel - cos I think it makes me look pathetic and jealous.

Looking at this I've written more about how I thinka nd feel than he does so wondering if it is just my problem.

I know it's trivial, but anything thoughts, advice etc welcome really.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 15/04/2008 21:21

it sounds like you think that she has a better body than you. Trust me, men do not notice the changes in our bodies after babies. They appreciate curves, love them. DH adores it when i am pg BECAUSE i have round bits

he should not be showing you pics of his ex, thats not really what people do.

Irisheyes78 · 15/04/2008 21:23

Talk to him about it. He can only help you feel better if he knows what's bothering you.

If you hadn't seen a pic would you still feel the same about her?

dizzydixies · 15/04/2008 21:24

agree with scorpio

he's with you because he wants to be and by the sounds of it he likes being with you

if it is becoming an issue however I think you should mention it to him for nothing else but reassurance

Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 21:26

Thank you Scorpio. I'm usually ok about my body it's just the thought of being compared to a naked 21 year old makes me feel queasy. Perhaps its just me doing the comparing though not him.

With the pics I didn't say anything, but I thought, why are you showing me this and why have you still got the pictures? It was just done casually in an 'oh look thats her' way but I noticed there were a few of them.

He says he feels really comfortable with me and can talk to me about anything. But I really don't want him to talk about this stuff.

I know I need to talk to him about this really, just nbot sure how to approach it.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 15/04/2008 21:27

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scorpio1 · 15/04/2008 21:28

Just say to him, can we have a chat please. When you showed me those photos i didnt like it, i think you shouldnt need them anymore and they made me feel abit funny and not very pretty.

He will understand

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/04/2008 21:29

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Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 21:30

"If you hadn't seen a pic would you still feel the same about her?"

Not sure Irisheyes. Seeing the pic makes it more real, because there she is in the flesh and blood. Sort of 'ok so...thats her'.

Does that make sense?

I'm trying not to come across as some sort of jealous harpy here

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 15/04/2008 21:31

yes, that makes sense. i saw someone in town my DH has slept with today and i hated it!!

dizzydixies · 15/04/2008 21:32

janos I have a photo of myself which I would show to people rather than let them see how I am now - she is probably now a complete hosebeast

scorpio behave yourself you daft mare

Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 21:34

"Seriously, - why is he showing you a picture? Did you ASK?"

Ha ha, no way!

He wanted a picture of me and was showing some other stuff on his phone and that one was there, it wasn't done in a deliberate or showing off way.

Hmmm, also didn't occur to me that he might feel inadequate, because I think he's gorgeous. Maybe something in that.

Thanks for the advice

I'm so out of practice with all this relationshippy stuff!

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StarlightMcKenzie · 15/04/2008 21:35

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Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 21:38

I wouldn't make him throw that stuff away, I know its part of his past. I'm not that bad

I just don't wanna know quite so much about it, or more specifically, her!

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 15/04/2008 21:41

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Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 21:47

Definitely some food for thought there Starlight, been so caught up in how I feel about it haven't much thought about how he's feeling.

Gawd, I sound like a spoilt brat. I'm really not!

OP posts:
madamez · 15/04/2008 21:53

well, you can't make a partner's previous relationships Not have Happened, even if you insist on a ceremonial burning of everything she ever touched. So if he is generally nice, loving, good company and has no more horrible habits than the average person, then I think you have to take it that he is with you because he wants to be, and put previous partners out of your mind.

Original poster
Janos · 15/04/2008 22:01

Well, I think you are probably right madamez. I will just have to practice

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StarlightMcKenzie · 15/04/2008 22:12

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StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2008 22:17

"He wanted a picture of me and was showing some other stuff on his phone and that one was there, it wasn't done in a deliberate or showing off way."
If it was that casual then it seems to me that he sees her as exactly what she is - part of his past!
I know how you feel though, I used to be incredibly jealous of DH's ex, it just took lots of time before I got over it!

ShakeysGirl · 15/04/2008 22:54

Ex girlfriends, even the nicest ones are a pain in the ass imo. Dps ex has contacted me on Facebook recently (not him tho) as we have alot of friends in common and just happened to mention shes dps ex. she seems nice but she should go away and let me carry on pretending dp was a virgin before i met him!

annemarie29 · 15/04/2008 23:00

dh still talks to his ex and she seems to think i'm her best friend she is far too much in our lives

DivaSkyChick · 15/04/2008 23:45

He's got pix of her on his phone? The girl who cheated on him and broke his heart. Sounds like he needs to let go. Not that you can insist on it or anything, but you could ask him with genuine concern for him about why he's still carrying her around with him...

lilacclaire · 16/04/2008 00:08

Well my DP WAS a virgin before he met me, so there!
And my dss was brought by a stork one night, tis true cos i've never clapped eyes on dss's mother (obv cos she was the stork)

Original poster
Janos · 16/04/2008 13:40

Ouch, lilaclaire! Point taken though.

My XP actually WAS a virgin before we met (together 9 years) so somehow this issue never came up before . That was different though cos we were both very young!

At my age, I certainly don't expect virginity. My concern really is that he isn't over it and I'm a second best - not that he has an ex. How he feels about her is a lot more important than what she looks like tbh.

Going to discuss it with him when we get together.

Thanks for listening, it really helps to get some objective advice.

OP posts:
SlackSally · 16/04/2008 14:39

I think you just have to remember that he's with you and there's no point comparing yourself to his ex.

To give a different perspective, I met my DP, I was 18. He hasd fairly recently seaparated from his wife, who, like him, was 33. The fact she was 15 years older didn't stop me comparing or sometimes feeling second best. I was more worried about the fact they's been a dual-income couple, while I was an impoverished student, and she was a confident, outgoing woman while I was a shy teenagers. And she was taller and slimmer than me. I think what I'm trying to say is, there will be things about her that are objectively 'better' than you, but there'll be just as many that you are 'better' on. Your DP clearly thinks you have the right combination of 'bits' for him.