AITA - nights out

[lillygxx]

Me & my partner haven't been together that long (3 years) & we have an 8 month old. It was perfect at the beginning and we both wanted our baby (and are still of course very glad to have them). They came from a lifestyle of being at the pub after work, doing drugs whilst out, out every weekend, holidays with the boys etc but told me they were absolutely over that lifestyle, wanted to settle down and I believed them. I have bad anxiety which they always knew, i don't enjoy drinking/much social stuff - im really quite introverted. Recently there have been a few arguments because when they do go out (which is probably once a month now - i know it's a massive cut back but it just feels like they're edging towards that life again), they take it too far and don't come back when they said they will (e.g going for a few back by 11 but then it's 2-3am), a couple of times i know they've done drugs even though they said before i was pregnant they would never ever do that again. they said sorry for this and that it was a mistake but obviously that's knocked my trust and gives me reason to feel wary when they go out the next time. whatever i try to get over those things but now a few weeks ago work did a team night out in their city (which isn't our city, and also he left at 10am for this) so he had to stay overnight in a hotel and didn't come back til the next day obviously, and was hungover all day. I didn't like the idea of this because i spent the entire night awake despite trying to sleep with anxiety (i know these are technically my own issues not his) but i thought it would be a one off. Now a few weeks later they've arranged another one, meaning another overnight?? Am i so totally out of order for thinking why does my partner need to be staying overnight? Surely you can just go for the meal + one drink then drive home, or get the train back (but "he doesn't want to") - so i have to be okay with them going out drinking (where he gets disgustingly drunk every single time) and then doesn't even come home until the following day? I thought this was just going to be at the xmas do which I'd have to deal with but obviously not. I don't want to be controlling so I need to know if I'm out of order. I just honestly feel like I've been nothing but honest since we met, I don't like the drinking lifestyle, I don't see why people in committed relationships with children need to be going on nights out in other cities and to be honest if he was a reliable drinker maybe i'd feel better but I know he always takes it too far so yes I worry. He used to fight and get in trouble, he hasn't done this at all since we've been together but I'm aware it happened so it's in my mind. His friends are also seedy so that's in my mind too. If I irritate him at all when he's been drinking (like by being annoyed that he's not back when he said he would or whatever, he gets quite angry and says things like telling me to f* off and just shows no consideration for me at all) then the next day i'll get flowers. I know I'll get I'll get messages saying I probably shouldn't be with

someone I don't 'trust' entirely to go out and yeah I'm sure that's true, but we have a child together now and it doesn't feel that simple to just not be together. I just feel like we're on totally different wavelengths. We're going out next week together which I feel sick to my stomach about because I usually avoid plans but I'm making the effort to try and tackle my anxiety to do things he enjoys. I've told him how I feel and he's like "okay well it's happening". I don't want to be controlling and maybe it seems like I am. I just feel like someone that loves and cares about me and the way I feel would take it into consideration.

I don't really even know what my question is but I sometimes feel like I was duped into a changed man who's now reverting back into his old ways I guess. Am I out of order for thinking that my partner doesn't need to be going on nights out in other cities where he stays overnight when he's got a family at home and it's not for any special occasion like a stag?

Can I also add that I am certain he would absolutely despise it if it was me, it's just something he never has to worry about because I am the way I am.

Feeling so deflated and like a bad guy, I just wonder if we're incompatible :(

Do not continue to raise your child in such a crap home environment. He is no father to your child nor partner to you. It’s precisely because of your child that you and he should no longer be together.

I can tell that he loves our daughter very much when he's with her, and he does a lot around the house like bath & bedtime every night after work so they get quality time. I just don't think he loves me/likes the way I am, I'm just sad because I was honest from the start :( and this makes me feel even worse I think. Do you think the overnights are unreasonable?

Some people would be fine with it some wouldn’t. You’re obviously not but seem to be doubting yourself. Hes making you feel unreasonable but you don’t think it’s is reasonable and that’s not okay. You’re asking him to compromise and get a train home which I think is absolutely reasonable and he’s not willing to budge. Hotels aren’t cheap either: I’m a suspicious person so I’d be thinking he has another reason to stay overnight like he’s hooking up with someone or else why not just come home?

3 years IS quite a long time. Pre-baby, did you go on the nights out too, or was it always just him and his mates?

I know it's not like I'm saying don't go at all and stay home, I just feel so uncomfortable with him being out all night, and after hearing all the stories of how his friends act/how he's acted before I just don't have faith. Most of his colleagues live there so he's also said he could crash at his friends but how would I know any different anyway, I don't know any of those people. I just feel like, get a train back?? He's like 'you just have to trust me, it's happening' and then he wants me to give him a hug and move on as if I'm fine?

I'm also going away a few days later with my mum, sister and our baby for a few days and he's trying to now say do i think he's overjoyed about that and not to worry because i'll be 'living it up' as if it's the same at all? there will be 0 alcohol involved, im literally taking our child not going on a party holiday/night out.

pre baby be barely went out but i feel like it must have been the honeymoon stage, i went once to a party with him but that was it & then i was pregnant. I really do struggle with anxiety not only with the people but alcohol makes it worse as i hate how it sometimes makes me feel so I just avoid it mainly. He's always known this and used to say I was his basically his dream girl (as a kind of joke) because of it, hence why I know he'd hate watching me go out drinking/doing whatever

Pre baby he barely went out, or “we” barely went out?

And he loves that you stay at home?

He sounds like a controlling selfish arsehole. Is he also trying to isolate you from friends and family?

It sounds like you're not compatible.

‘he’ barely went out, sorry! this is why i feel a little duped. maybe once every couple of months if that, and we went on one drinking night out together.

yeah he said he loves that, even when i was pregnant he didn’t want me to go out in the day time alone but he said he was worried about the baby in case someone barged me lol (i did still though i mean i only really go to shops hahaha). but he said to me he wouldn’t like it if i went on a night out without him etc because he needs to ‘protect’ me. i know if i wanted to go out he wouldn’t be able to stop me and he wouldn’t try either but i genuinely don’t want to so even though i know he would HATE his own medicine, i can’t give him a taste. I don’t really have any friends because of my anxiety (i have a few but not like regular social ones, and when i do see them it’s over coffee). I’m close to my family he doesn’t try to isolate me i don’t think I spent a lot of time with them in the day when he’s working. I don’t know 😔

YANBU to feel a bit unhappy about the drinking and the overnights. Sounds as if you need to talk to him. Basically, he doesn't want to change. But having a DD and a committed relationship means having to grow up. Maybe there's room for compromise here, although it sounds as if that's all coming from you atm. I would try again to tell him how you feel.

How old is the baby? How long were you dating before you got pregnant?

I sometimes feel like I was duped into a changed man
People dont change. He was acting before you got pregnant, and it actually sounds like not for very long.

I can tell that he loves our daughter very much when he's with her, and he does a lot around the house like bath & bedtime
How much actual housework and cooking is he doing? Does the child go to nursery or anything? How many drop offs / pick ups are his?

How often does this loving father have his child in his care alone, including preparing her food and giving it to her? Entertaining her? Taking her places?

So where did all these drink and drug friends suddenly appear from then?

His social circle. That is his mates. That is who he is.

Fighting, drugs, doesn't want you to you out alone. Sounds like a familiar pattern where the true him has come to the fore since the baby came.

My baby is 8 months, we were only together about a year maybe less before i got pregnant 😅 so not long.

Yeah I mean housework wise I've tried to take it all on myself, we used to share it but since i've been on Mat leave I do everything now I try to do it in the day whilst he's working so it's done for a stress free evening.

He never really has her on his own because every time he's not working I try to make it family time I wouldn't want to just leave so probably only for a couple of hours here and there since she's been born. He does her morning & evening bottle, nappy changes when he's here & bath time. I do all her actual meals and obvs care for her all the rest of the time & im obviously there mainly when he's with her too, but i genuinely do feel like he's a good dad to her maybe that's because i've seen so many men refuse to do all things like that so i'm grateful that he does basics 😅.

There’s lots of different issues here.

Drug taking, for me personally, is a solid line and I would never be okay with that.

But in general 1 night out a month is fine, and the odd overnight is fine. Being a parent doesn’t mean giving up the things you enjoy, I have a 4 month old baby and have now started going out occasionally again with my friends. I enjoy it, it makes me feel like me again rather than just “mum” and there’s no issue with that. My husband also does the same.

I don’t see the issue with coming home a bit later than planned either, sometimes you’re having a fab time, get carried away and don’t notice the time or just don’t want to go home yet, I don’t see an issue and would be annoyed if my husband was policing my home time like my dad used to when I was a teen. (Obviously within reason, if I was strolling in at 7am that’s different to 2am).

The nastiness when he’s had a drink again for me is a hard line, neither me or my husband speak to each other nastily or in anger, alcohol or not.

that's who he hung out with every day before me, and then he went off the grid (i guess) for a while when we got together and said he was done with all that. now it's like he's gradually moving back towards it there will be a birthday or something of someone i've never heard of (but obvs i was never part of that life so of course there's lots of people i've never heard of) or just a general night out he never bothered before i don't think but now he's saying yes again. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting if it's once a month or whatever but then I'm like that's basically every few weekends and it's always SO anxiety provoking 😔

Whose house is it?

Yeah I totally get you and it would annoy me too if I was him because even I get caught up shopping sometimes things take longer than you thought, so he could be having a great time with his friends and want to stay longer or whatever. I think it's because he'll go out at lunch time because the football is on etc whereas i'd go out at 7/8, so it's a hugely long day of drinking, which he's previously only told me you can hack such a lengthy amount if you do drugs, so now i'm like - how do you manage it then if you're not doing coke? i don't even WANT to have to have these thoughts about my partner, I obviously want to just have faith in them. When I was pregnant he never came home until 8am one night when i had to pick him up from his friends all these things make me lose trust but im expected to get over it once i've had an apology

mine. even being alone though i just don't know how ill financially manage

I know, i keep trying but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. If I even have an aggy tone of voice he says I'm shouting (even though i KNOW I'm not, I just sound off but that's because I'm upset) and he just leaves the conversation and refuses to talk. When he does talk about it he's said I can't control him and stop him from seeing his friends etc (even though i'd never want to isolate him - none of them are interested in going for a walk or going to play sport or going for food, seeing our baby etc it's always drink drink drink otherwise that's it). I find it hard when he says that because I don't feel like saying I'm upset that I've lost trust in him is me controlling him. I’m just airing that I didn’t sign up for this life, I didn’t think I was getting into a relationship with someone that wanted to go out and party still or stay away overnight. baring in mind he literally won't let me go out without wearing a bra which I barely ever did before him, I'm glad I never have to get dressed up because he's so fussy about what I'd be able to wear on the few occasions i've had to, and he's openly said he wouldn't want me going out without him on a night out, but then it's me that's being made out to be this way? 😔

How did you manage before him?

When you go to your mum's can you stay there for a couple of days and talk to your family about what's happening?

You and your baby deserve better than a man who doesn't respect you. He wants you to be at home where he can control you while he has nights away getting drunk and doing drugs with his friends, you are not being unreasonable to say that's unacceptable.

Check entitledto and find out what you'd be entitled to if he wasn't around. He'd also need to pay child support.

You are stronger than you think, you've said you're anxious but it doesn't sound like you're willing to let this continue.

To be honest i came out of a long term relationship not that long before we met, and my parents had to help me with bills and things until i could get back on my feet.

I can check but I feel like things are far more expensive now than even a few years ago :( I could probably scrape by I guess, it would just be difficult. I just don’t feel like I can do it alone but I really am starting to feel like I deserve better than this, and I’m wondering if I’m being gaslit into self doubt etc, my mental health really was poor a few years back and I can never let myself sink again, not with a child at the centre of my world so I really need to think :(

He sounds a bit controlling, OP. A reasonable DP would be happy that you were seeing friends, not trying to stop you.

@lillygxx He won't change. He wants to have his cake and eat it. The most worrying aspect is the controlling re clothes you wear etc. This will get worse. You're too good for him and he knows it. I'd start making plans to get him out.