AITA - nights out

[lillygxx]

Me & my partner haven't been together that long (3 years) & we have an 8 month old. It was perfect at the beginning and we both wanted our baby (and are still of course very glad to have them). They came from a lifestyle of being at the pub after work, doing drugs whilst out, out every weekend, holidays with the boys etc but told me they were absolutely over that lifestyle, wanted to settle down and I believed them. I have bad anxiety which they always knew, i don't enjoy drinking/much social stuff - im really quite introverted. Recently there have been a few arguments because when they do go out (which is probably once a month now - i know it's a massive cut back but it just feels like they're edging towards that life again), they take it too far and don't come back when they said they will (e.g going for a few back by 11 but then it's 2-3am), a couple of times i know they've done drugs even though they said before i was pregnant they would never ever do that again. they said sorry for this and that it was a mistake but obviously that's knocked my trust and gives me reason to feel wary when they go out the next time. whatever i try to get over those things but now a few weeks ago work did a team night out in their city (which isn't our city, and also he left at 10am for this) so he had to stay overnight in a hotel and didn't come back til the next day obviously, and was hungover all day. I didn't like the idea of this because i spent the entire night awake despite trying to sleep with anxiety (i know these are technically my own issues not his) but i thought it would be a one off. Now a few weeks later they've arranged another one, meaning another overnight?? Am i so totally out of order for thinking why does my partner need to be staying overnight? Surely you can just go for the meal + one drink then drive home, or get the train back (but "he doesn't want to") - so i have to be okay with them going out drinking (where he gets disgustingly drunk every single time) and then doesn't even come home until the following day? I thought this was just going to be at the xmas do which I'd have to deal with but obviously not. I don't want to be controlling so I need to know if I'm out of order. I just honestly feel like I've been nothing but honest since we met, I don't like the drinking lifestyle, I don't see why people in committed relationships with children need to be going on nights out in other cities and to be honest if he was a reliable drinker maybe i'd feel better but I know he always takes it too far so yes I worry. He used to fight and get in trouble, he hasn't done this at all since we've been together but I'm aware it happened so it's in my mind. His friends are also seedy so that's in my mind too. If I irritate him at all when he's been drinking (like by being annoyed that he's not back when he said he would or whatever, he gets quite angry and says things like telling me to f* off and just shows no consideration for me at all) then the next day i'll get flowers. I know I'll get I'll get messages saying I probably shouldn't be with

someone I don't 'trust' entirely to go out and yeah I'm sure that's true, but we have a child together now and it doesn't feel that simple to just not be together. I just feel like we're on totally different wavelengths. We're going out next week together which I feel sick to my stomach about because I usually avoid plans but I'm making the effort to try and tackle my anxiety to do things he enjoys. I've told him how I feel and he's like "okay well it's happening". I don't want to be controlling and maybe it seems like I am. I just feel like someone that loves and cares about me and the way I feel would take it into consideration.

I don't really even know what my question is but I sometimes feel like I was duped into a changed man who's now reverting back into his old ways I guess. Am I out of order for thinking that my partner doesn't need to be going on nights out in other cities where he stays overnight when he's got a family at home and it's not for any special occasion like a stag?

Can I also add that I am certain he would absolutely despise it if it was me, it's just something he never has to worry about because I am the way I am.

Feeling so deflated and like a bad guy, I just wonder if we're incompatible :(

He has reverted to type because you are no longer 100% available to him now that the baby demands your attention.

The dictating what clothes you wear and saying he has to be with you always to “look after” you is classic controlling behaviour.

If he really believes you going away with your baby is the same as his nights away tell him to take his baby on the next one. That won’t happen.

And what’s with this bossy “it’s happening” crap.

I don’t think you’re compatible. Not for the introvert extrovert comparison, but because you are a responsible adult and parent and having promised to be the same he has gone back on that and wants to live like a teenager.

This is not going to get better.
people don’t change. This is who he is.

im sorry, OP.

If you have the same privilege then fine but if you dont you need to start asking questions

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry you sound so unsure of yourself. Unfortunately people like your partner, pick people like you.

I was with a similar man a number of years ago and I actually feel like I know this person you're with. Trust me it gets worse. If you don't believe that you deserve better, you must at least know that your daughter does. What would you tell her if she were in your shoes?

I honestly don't see the problem in a man wanting to go out drinking with his friends once a month. I find the whole "if he loved me he wouldn't do it knowing it upsets me" thing quite emotionally manipulative. IMO it's quite controlling to agree a curfew with him and then be pissed off when he comes in later. Probably better to not agree one at all and let him come home when he's ready.

I wouldn't love the overnights tbh, and I'd be furious about the drug use considering it's illegal and unsafe. At least he seems to acknowledge that's wrong but that would be a big issue for me.

I think your anxiety is a huge part of the problem, are you taking steps to seek help for that?

Sure...go out once a week if your partner is happy for you to, in a healthy relationship. Point is that this isn't healthy and not want the OP signed up for.
He sounds very emotionally manipulative.

It sounds like he lured you in under false pretences of being a changed man and is now reverting to type. The work do being so close to the previous one is odd - are you sure it IS a works do?

It also sounds from what you said about him despising it if you were doing what he is makes it seem like he deliberately targeted you as a partner bc he is controlling/jealous/insecure and wants to know you will be at home and there is no chance of you straying. At first I wondered why he’d try to sell you the changed man schtick and be with you if you disapproved of his lifestyle, bc you were so incompatible, but it sounds like he’s getting his cake and eating it with you. He’s essentially trapped you into being the mother of his child who is tied to the house while he goes out acting like an immature, single prick. He’s safe in the knowledge you won’t do likewise bc that isn’t the behaviour you condone or enjoy. But you don’t have to stay with him.

Do you have friends who you could visit - not out in public if you have anxiety in these settings but round their home? Just so you can get out of the house in the evening and leave him to care for your DC? Could you stay overnight visiting family?

So you need to use his words against him “It’s happening” and expect a hug.

Men who play away and are morally dubious are notoriously insecure, controlling and suspicious - they judge their partners by their own low standards, it’s a massive red flag and what is known as DOUBLE STANDARDS.

The fact he tells you what you can and cannot wear and you let him - why do you let him?

I've tried to talk to him this morning on text because in real life he says i'm shouting whenever my tone of voice changes. I sajd about the 'well it's happening' and he said he hates it when it feels like i'm telling him what to do. I said he tells me what to do all the time and he said 'do i fck' and then when i gave examples like bra/clothes & he said they're all valid reasons, and he's getting fcked off, f this, i make it hard for him & to shut up leave him alone and end it if i don't like it.

i don't know why that text went in bold ^^ above so just ignore that it's not purposeful.

i know he'll calm down later and text me saying 'calmed down yet??' 🫠 cba

God he sounds annoying. I also hate it when ppl tell you to stop shouting when you aren’t. Maybe record yourself - tho I’m sure he’d go mad at this for all sorts of reasons and could be opening a can of worms.

When he tells you he’s getting effed off etc that’s him trying to shut you down bc he knows you have a valid point and he just wants you to stop proving it. Immature twat. He doesn’t have an argument that can stand up and he knows it hence the deflection of you telling him what to do so he’s ’standing Up to you’ by doing what he wants - convenient that.

He really thought he struck gold with you - the attentive gf who probably put him on a pedestal for leaving his ‘bad boy’ days behind him and was grateful he was spending time with her, which he was more than happy to do in the honeymoon phase.

If he texts just ignore him. If he uses that as an excuse to stay out, grey rock him when he comes back. You don’t have to give him the silent treatment but make it absolutely clear his behaviour is not ok. You really should try to organise a night out - even if it’s really to your mums/sisters, though this arse wipe pretends he has a reason to be jealous when you’re going for day trips with them anyway, so whatever. Wear an outfit of YOUR choice and do please tell him “it’s happening”. You may have to go out of your comfort zone a little to prove your point to him and show him it’s not nice to deliberately act in a ‘shitty’ way to your partner - altho you obv have every right to go out yourself.

Next time he has a bender you can tell him it’s your turn next and see if he returns at a more sensible time.

edited for typos

Absolutely this! His family said to me ever since we met that they've never seen him like this before it's amazing he's so happy, they're so happy, he said he'd never felt like this etc etc and i was getting 'they change for the right person' and that they're proud and all this that and the other so yeah i really was over the moon that he'd left those days behind him & we'd have this happy life where he treated me amazingly etc etc and it's just disintegrated. Everybody put him on a pedestal honestly.

and yes it makes me feel like i'm going insane, i absolutely know im not shouting and he does it every time, to the point that i'm purposely conscious of it every time but it still makes me question it. even when he's calm i'd ask him to reread the messages or re chat about it but he's never interested and just wants to make up and move on.

i think i'll have to try and arrange something maybe like you say & put the shoe on the other foot even when it's out of my comfort zone 😟 but then i worry it will be tit for tat and if i do come back late or do something he doesn't like, he'll just do it right back to me rather than see it from my perspective. i just don't know

but then i worry it will be tit for tat and if i do come back late or do something he doesn't like, he'll just do it right back to me rather than see it from my perspective.

He’s already doing it right back to you OP. He should be the one worrying you’re going to get a taste for it and do it more often!

Maybe try recording yourself next rime you speak to him so you can play it back and prove you’re not shouting - do you think that would have any impact?

I do sympathise OP. He’s being so selfish and is showing that he can’t be bothered being the best version of himself for you, his family (or his child!) any more.

It sounds like you're both controlling of each other, it's a toxic relationship

I sympathise he sounds selfish immature and manipulative.
check what benefits you are entitled to, get a job, and get rid of him. People don't change I'm afraid.

You can do it hun. It will be hard but you absolutely can do it.

This man is going to destroy your mental health worse than being on your own will. Having read your update on texting him so he can't say you are shouting, you need to get away from him before it gets any worse. He's already making you question yourself.

You know if you did the things he does he would lose the plot and he invalidates your feelings by telling you "it's happening".

Many of us refused to see it happening or lied to ourselves it would get better, he will change and stayed with men like this and worse. Please don't doubt yourself. There is help out there. Even give Women's Aid a call for advice if you are unsure where to get support. They are there to help before it gets violent too. It's your home, he needs to leave.

This is an absolutely toxic relationship and it is not going to last.

If I were you I'd cut my losses and end it sooner rather than later.