Police officers wife

[Whatnameisthis90]

I'm struggling with being a police officers wife. He's been away for about a week as we've been like passing ships in the night and I've had enough. We have 2 spoilt kids and I work as a childminder so I'm always at home with the kids and more and doing the brunt of childcare cooking cleaning and all the other shite on top like birthdays days out (everyday as its the holidays and I go out with work kids too) ect
Because of my job he feels like he doesn't need to do anything with our kids. He is like a single man...he prioritises himself and his needs and it annoys me so much.. I put the kids first always...he needs a shower..oh I need a shower for work I can't sort them...what?? I need a shower but sort your kids out.. I don't know the last time I had a wee in peace .
Ranting I know but soo disappointed in him and don't think that we are compatible any more .
We've been together 13 years and hes been in police 5. I've had enough...advice please??
Feel like I'm a single parent most of the time .
When he's off he does do some chores but I still feel like the balance is all on me and like I've had enough
I also feel like the love and sparks gone and we're flat mates. So sad.
Any advice or similar stories in same situation appreciated.

If you went to work instead, do you think he’d do more?
Do you get as much leisure time as him?

My ex was protection squad. He'd be away for 3 months of the year. It isn't easy.

Police officers tend to do rotas well - it's been drummed into them, so can you add to his earlies, lates, nights rota.

e.g. when on earlies, he does school afternoon pickup and dcs tea before he eats and sleeps

When on lates, he does dcs breakfasts and morning school run.

When on nights, he puts a load of washing on each day before he sleeps, and hangs it it when he wakes up. Put it on the rota sheet on the fridge.

Would that work?

And I found booking nights away in an hotel was the only way to maintain any kind of romance.

NC for this - but I was a police officer for over 20 years (female)

The saying within the police was ‘join the force, file for divorce’ and that proved correct in almost every case when someone joined later on in their career.

It’s an all consuming job, the shift work kills you and you permanently feel tired and unwell.

BUT ….. he has a choice. If he has only done 5 years, he obviously did something before this and therefore opens the door to go back to the previous career. So early on his career now, he’ll be working overtime to make the money up and it’s this living on overtime that makes life even more stressful.

Id have a very serious chat with him around your family priorities- he has 3 children who absolutely should come first and have some form of childhood where their Dad is present. At the moment, he may aswell live elsewhere as sounds like you’re passing ships.

Police Officers will always have you think that they should take priority when it comes to sleep/work/time to relax, but the fact is that it’s just a job. I’m sure working in Tesco is stressful, working in a warehouse also, but you wouldn’t expect special treatment for that. It’s just a job, and it’s not compatible with your family life so he either works out what else he can do, or else have a plan on how he’ll move to a more office hours job within the police.

I really feel for you as I can just picture the type of character he is, as they are all carbon copies of each other 😂 (me included at the time)

I know a woman whose DH joined the police after a longish spell in the Royal Navy.

She says being a Navy wife was easier.

Been a police wife for 20+ years. Getting divorced now. The job ALWAYS came first. I could write a book on the subject. It damaged my career, my mental health, our relationship and his relationship with his children. And then the inevitable affair with someone who "really understands the job". I don't have any real advice other than "I've been there."

@Meadowfinch we had a rota too depending on shifts.

I'm not sure if he'd do more the thing is he sees his days off as they're mainly mid week as his time but yet I feel I don't get the same kind of time.

Listen to the people who know the job. There’s a reason that there are solicitors dedicated to police divorces. Unless he makes a concerted effort to keep his family as a priority, his job is almost guaranteed to take over his life.

Intrigued to know your carbon copy type
Thanks its just stressful and I think because I work from home and have our own kids 24 7 I feel like he is having a break most of the time with work and sleep patterns and also the late finishes ect is just so shit as I can look forward to seeing him and hes stuck on a job and has to do paperwork ect ect

Sounds like a plan
I think I'm a bit ocd which doesn't help and also feel the house needs to be clean all the time ready for work the next day so that doesn't help either.
People think he's really good which he can be but to me he does basics taking bins out washing pots ect and I am a bit more thorough...and also organised ect

Wow thats sad. What happened to the relationship with the kids? How long was he having an affair? Did you find out or he come clean?
I know it sounds awful but that's what I think about..putting up with it and then getting older and not being able to find anyone as easy as it would be now..
I love him but feel after all these years the spark day to day has gone..bedrooms still fab but day to day is just us bickering and its mainly about chores or kids and its soo boring.

I don't know, am I too idealistic. He really does a job which holds great moral value....

Very similar situation. My OH is in police and regularly works 50+ hours a week. He does nothing for the kids or round the house. Everything falls on me and I've just about had enough. I work 37 hours (full time) we have 3 girls. 10, 3 and 1 and I'm exhausted. Nursery/school drop offs and picks ups. Dinners, baths, laundry, housework, literally everything. He takes all the lay ins, never gets up, he goes gym when he wants, football matches the lit, without a consideration for childcare. Just assumes I'll be home. Well... I'd like a life too.
No actual advice, but you're not alone.

My dad was a police officer. It doesn't have to be like that. I grew up in a household that was very different to my friends - ours was an equal opportunity household way before it was the done thing! As someone else said, when he was on earlies, he would pick us up from school and cook dinner. When he was on nights, he would come home, get us all off to school then go to bed. When he was off, he would be an equal parent with mum, who also worked. They both cooked, cleaned, shopped - whoever was available did the jobs that needed doing.

It is not the police bit that is the problem - it is your DH.

Shift work is tricky but actually gives a chance to be more involved with family life if you embrace it. He has clearly chosen not to.

ex wife too a police officer.. and current police staff here! It takes a lot to be a policemans wife i'm not going to lie. its tough out there at the moment for police officers and staff, get treated like crap by the public, get treated like crap by family and get treated like crap by the job and in the current climate its not easy with cancelled rest days, there's not enough staff so you can't get leave or days off with no thanks from anyone.

its not a job its a vocation and its bloody hard work and theres a reason the divorce rate is so high especially in the police service.

my ex was specialist, so even more arrogant than a regular PC, i lasted 10 years with him until i just couldn't take anymore.

However, you must have discussed his job and what it will entail before he joined up as you've been together longer than hes been in the job? He's not going to change his job, so its down to you.. rather than childmind, which i assume you do as it fits round your kids and his hours, could you go out to work.

Sounds like conversations need to be had, because it does sound like its not his job that the issue.. its him

i can assure you he's most certainly not having a break at work when he's at work and this comment makes me think that you don't actually communicate at all.. its rough out there for the services at the moment and they are working so hard under massively understaffed and busy conditions.

i gave my hubby an excel spreadsheet.. made him follow it to the letter! worked well until his eye wandered

This is the elephant in the room though.

You don't work 37 hours a week.

I'll bet when you add up all you do to work and manage the family and carry the mental load/organisation of all this you probably work many, many more hours a week than he does.

Same with the OP.

"Work" isn't always just about that you get paid for.

What you and the OP need to focus on is equality re: "you time".

You both need time to decompress. Do hobbies. Take a shower/pee in private.

Being a PO (or any similar role) isn't a green light to be a selfish bugger. He chose the job and needs to make it work not just for himself but for the family.

My friend has been a counsellor for many years and always says most of her clients are police couples. I have another good friend whose husband was a police officer until he retired last year at 50. She often says she’ll warn her daughters to never marry a police officer. There’s a reason the divorce rate is high and they’ve become perilously close themselves.

My husband is police, he's done response, neighbourhood policing, undercover surveillance, ran a whole station and is now a high ranking officer.

We had 3 kids in the time he's been in Police and have been together almost 20 years. He is NOTHING like your husband, and whilst he does work crazy shifts and when doing undercover, spent months away at a time with minimal to no contact, he was and still is a hands on dad.

You don't have a police officer problem, you have a DH problem..plenty of police officers are excellent parents and excellent partners.

I've name changed but been in here ages.

I'm an ex police wife too. Married for 6 years, seperated with two under the age of 4.

I was a primary school teacher, so the shift pattern made life really hard. His ‘weekend’ sometimes started on a Wednesday. He and his shift would be out clubbing Wednesday or Thursday night, him arriving home at 3.00am and I had three hours later I had to get up for work and to drop the kids at daycare.

His one weekend off in five that matched my Saturday/Sunday, we were pulled in all directions. Our parents to see, home jobs to do, a night out together, family days…so stressful making the most of it that we would end up arguing and ruining that precious time.

Life was just busy, little quality time together. He found ‘someone who listened’ a fellow officer (of course). His shift would drink in the police bar after work - she was there!

Divorce was horrendous. We had tried to put it back together. OW never gave up. Our first night out together she watched us on CCTV and had to be helped out of the police station ‘devastated’.
He lied and played us off against each other.
She pulled many tricks, leaving her husband, saying she was scared of him and he had hit her ( no evidence at all). She threatened suicide. My DH said he felt responsible.
He played every trick in the book around contact with the kids (”Noone is going to tell me when and where I can see my own children) and not paying maintenance.

I chose to walk away. Moved to another area. Just far enough for him to still see DC’s.

Horrid time but the best thing I ever did.

My husband is a police officer. He is a very hands on Dad. We both work slightly part time hours so it means we both are working really hard outside the home and we both chip in at home. I would say I do more than him in terms of housework etc and it does get to me but nothing like what you describe and nothing to do with his job. He also had a 9 to 5 and changed to be a PO whilst we were together. He sees his children a lot more with this job than his 9 to 5.

was he a better partner before being in the police? If so, would he not go back to his old career? I know my husband would leave the police if it meant not loosing our relationship. If it’s not the case for him then I’m leaning towards, yes you should leave him.

I mean, it's all just misogynist bollocks, isn't it?

My DNiece is a high-ranking officer who is devoted to her kids and a fantastic mother. The thing that she's let slide is any kind of a social life, I haven't seen her for a year and she lives in the next door village.

Her dad was a local beat bobby his whole life, a fantastic dad throughout the 80s and 90s when expectations weren't exactly high.

My own grandfather was a police driver back in the day, so not as high-stress but same shifts, he would pick me up from school and do my tea when my own DM was working.

Not all police are bad fathers and partners; there's always an element of choice, just like in any other job.

How and why are the children spoilt?