Left me pregnant, slept with someone else and now wants me back

[Mummato2UK]

My partner of 6 years ended our relationship when I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. We weren’t happy for a while, constant arguments, drifted apart and just over all wasn’t good for about a year (maybe more!) our second baby was not planned.. a month after he ended our relationship I learned that he was seeing a person for 2/3 months - I learned this information as I found a photo of him and a girl together. He apparently ended it with her because he said he didn’t have feelings for her - he wants to be with me and has said he used her too fill a void.

our second is 4 months old now and he has been consistent in his behaviour for the past 4 months and I have to admit I have not been easy to deal with at all (I have constantly bought it up, questions etc) he has been patient (so he should he put us in this mess) and continues to tell me it was a mistake he wants me, wants to be married etc etc.

he said he was going through a tough time and I thought I didn’t want him because I removed him and I completely went ghost and communicated / exchanged our oldest through family members.. he has now learnt that I did it like this because he seriously hurt me when he left.

do I go back with him and try work this relationship out? I feel betrayed and so hurt but the love I have for him won’t go away. I just don’t know if I can get passed this? If he was seeing this person for 2/3 months then I don’t get how he didn’t have any feelings involved? He bought flowers for Valentine’s Day and went on 2 public dates!

my mind is a mess.. I don’t know what to do

Why on earth would you love someone who behaves like that? What good qualities as a parent and partner does he have?

Honestly Parker231, I have asked myself this many of times. Constantly asking myself. I’ve never been hurt like this before. I was so shocked to learn he acted like this! I really don’t know if I am coming or going. The past year was awful but the years before, I’ve never been happier.

Do you know why everything was so awful before he left, and what would change to stop things getting to that state again if you took him back?

It started when our landlord was putting the house up for sale so it meant I had to go down the homeless route. It was a stressful time and our relationship went down hill from there. We stopped making time for one another, communication was awful, We could go weeks without speaking to one another.. I became very angry and at times I admit could be spiteful and he became deflated and distanced himself.

He has told me he communication is key and before, he never really spoke or opened up with how he was feeling or thinking but the past 4 months I do feel he is trying to communicate, explain his feelings and what he wants etc. He is speaking of marriage and reassures me he would like another baby in the future and would make sure it is the best pregnancy il ever have. He does seem regretful and has been very upset physically. I guess it is just me.. I do suffer with ocd so my mind is constant and I am currently obsessing over the two of them together my therapist said “ruminating” which I will be getting support with. My self esteem is at rock bottom too. Am I wasting my time or can we really become better/stronger?

What exactly is it that you love about this man who was screwing another woman behind your back and dumped you when you were six months pregnant? I think you're being very naive if you believe his story that he left the OW. She probably got fed up and dumped him.

I guess I am stuck on what our relationship was like before the past year. It was good and I believed he was my soul mate. As far as I am aware the other women took it quite well and said she knew it would end (he told her I was pregnant). So maybe it was just a fling for her also? I’m tempted to message her to get her story on things but I do understand this is not a good thing to do and only makes me look silly. But as above, right now I don’t know if I am coming or going. I’ve never been hurt like this before and I just don’t know what to do!

You haven’t said what good qualities he currently brings as a father and partner? Doesn’t look like any. I hope you are claiming child maintenance from him?

The talk of marriage and more babies would be giving me 'keep them barefoot and pregnant' vibes. Why does he want more kids when he can't keep a roof over the heads of the ones he's got?

I'm sorry at what point is it acceptable to have just a fling when you have a partner? It's one thing for someone to say they made a mistake, but I couldn't be near someone who did that romantically. If you are going to have any kind of relationship with them I think you should aim for civil friends. He should respect your boundaries.

You are right..And it is quite hard to admit but I am sat here trying to think what good qualities he does have. I am struggling.

He is telling me what I want to hear I guess. He is trying to reassure me that he will be that partner / father with the qualities I want him to have. He is adamant he will show me how he can be a good father/ partner…

gosh, I really am quite silly. It’s hard to let go!

Yes I am claiming child maintenance from him

It definitely isn’t acceptable! However, we weren't together and he claims it was a fling to distract him and nothing else. It’s a shame because if he is being honest I don’t get why he had to be with someone else for a couple of months to realise he wants to be with me.

I feel so weak and silly but I can’t get over myself/this situation!

So during that really hard period of you life when you were pregnant, at risk of homelessness, and things were really tough you were snappy and he….

Left.

See, I wouldn’t want to be shackled to someone who’s first reaction is to run when life is hard.

Honestly, I’d aim for a civil coparenting relationship and consider myself lucky!

What's your housing situation now, are you able to manage the rent yourself. Where is he living, she dumped him, he may regret it now bit could just be looking for the security you offer. Don't be fooled or tempted to just let him back, does he see the dc.

I’ve told him in previous messages that I don’t feel that he wants the same thing in life as me and he has said that he does. He wants marriage and another baby when the time is right and we are back on track. He believes our relationship can be better than ever and he said he is willing to prove that! I’m quite happy with the homeless route at the moment as I’m still trying to get my head around things/figuring out what to do.. atleast me and my two children are somewhere safe. We are just waiting for social housing which is in my own name. This is definitely not the way I imagined we would end up!

Currently waiting for social housing. I’m in temporary at the moment. He is allowed to stay a few times a week and has been making the effort to come see us/stay with us. He is back at his parents and has been for the past year and a half almost. Do you think I should contact the women and ask her what happened?

Are you homeless at the moment, are the dc with you. Has he made any effort to help you financially to find secure accommodation.

I wouldn't bother contacting her, what's the point. Why is he back with his parents, does he work, can't he find somewhere to rent.

I really feel for you. Currently grieving myself after my partner left me fore 18 year younger than himself woman 5 weeks ago, its been agony. I have been finding this guys videos so helpful watch him xxx 4

He is all talk. Please don’t listen to him. It’s easy to say everything will be better…. But look at his actions don’t listen to his words…..

he lives with his parents - it is easier for him to get you on side and move in with you into social housing than to actually sort his life out.

If you really think he is genuine tell him you need to see action and evidence that he has changed. That he won’t leave you again when the going gets tough. He can start by telling you the whole truth about the OW.

say he needs to prove himself over the next year or so to be an excellent co-parent, he needs to find himself somewhere secure to live and have a stable income. He needs to be a good, no strings attached friend to you and he needs to understand that you need time and effort before you can trust him again.

words are easy. Don’t fall for them. Put you and your kids security before him.

Look at this technique for being in your own energy xxxxx 2

I am currently homeless at the moment and in a bed sit temporarily. The children are with me yes. He does help out financially - I must admit he has always been good with helping out financially for both me and our 2 girls. He works a well paid job but lives at his parents house because we had to move out of our rented home together as the landlord wanted to sale. We were asaving to buy a house together… he broke up with me Christmas so it’s only really been 4 months of us being apart but a year and a half I guess not living together. the other temporary place was a shared accomodation with another lady so it was awkward to have him there and because we were going through a horrible time he never really stayed with us. He distanced himself with the gym and going out with friends etc. The bed sit I am in now isn’t shared and is a lot more comfortable (he didn’t know I moved out the shared accomodation as I didn’t tell him at first, he used to collect our eldest daughter from my mums house when we weren’t communicating)

Thank you for your response ruby. Definitely is all talk at the moment! The past 4 months I’ve done nothing but question about the other women and he said he’s told me absolutely everything ( He has even answered the things I didn’t really need to know tbh but I’ve turned into a jealous crazy lady) I’ve given him a hard time and honestly if I was him I would’ve most probably told me to F off a long time ago - how do I know if he is telling me the truth? It’s all so scary! Giving him a chance to show me with actions I feel is opening myself up again and it is so scary to me. He’s turnt his location on to help ease my mind which I didn’t ask him to do (I don’t check it) he is allowing me access to his phone and his social media passwords etc but I just don’t know how I can “forget” all this.. I’m having a hard time getting over it and letting go! Constant ruminating

I wouldn’t give him the time of day OP. He’s treated you like that while pregnant with his child, if he’s capable of that he can never be trusted and I wouldn’t want to raise my children to think it’s okay to be treated like that as long as you say sorry afterwards.

He made his bed, let him lie in it.

I really wish I was strong enough to just cut it off. I would say the exact same to someone else if they were in my situation but it is so hard to do it when it’s yourself. I really want my family together and I feel awful that I am the one who is stopping that from happening even though it is his fault we are in this mess. I am having a really hard time. I would’ve thought I would start feeling semi better but it’s like it’s all happened yesterday. He has really broken my heart! He’s made me feel so insecure and jealous! I can’t help but think this young girl from the club has one up on me and is better than me! He chose her to distract himself or whatever he was doing rather than fix his family. I just can’t get my head around it all and why he would do this!

When your children are older and have a horrible partner they need advice with OP, do you want to be able to say “it’s okay to leave and put yourself first, being in love shouldn’t be painful, look at me” or do you want to have to say “well I put up with it so…”? That’s always my measure, I will never put up with something in my marriage that I wouldn’t be happy for my daughter to put up with in years to come when she is dating. Kids learn the most about healthy relationships from their parents, lead by example for them even if it you struggle to do it for yourself. Would you be happy for your kids to be in your position in years to come? If not, leave.

It is hard but you’re not the one who’s ended things OP. There will always be another girl, another woman, someone younger, someone more exciting, someone beautiful, that’s life. Being in a committed relationship is about seeing those people and knowing what you have is special and above anything or anyone else. He’s shown you he doesn’t feel that way about you and while you were pregnant with his child as well, don’t give him the chance to do it again.

In 10 years time you can either be free and happy, with someone who loves you completely and never makes you doubt your worth, or you can be still stuck in this same toxic cycle with him onto affair number 4 or 5.

If you stay then what you are saying is he can do whatever he wants and still have you afterwards, you and your children deserve better than that.