I want him to leave

[Loreta112]

Hi all Please see below for some preface
posted the below previously
((I've been with my partner 4 years on and off. We had a very strong sexual relationship when we first started. I broke up with him two years in due to the lack of physical intimacy and touching/kissing as I felt unloved and unwanted. When previously approached he said that if I kept forcing the issue its going to make him want to do it less.
He was very put out by me breaking up with him, got very obsessive/jilted (had to block him on everything including my work email).
When we got back together, the relationship has been good in most senses. He says he loves me ,doesn't want to lose me, wants to make me his wife. Initially the sex was often whereas now (1 year in). It has depleted again and I'm lucky if it is once every month or two. When we have had conversations, he said he would like me to initiate too as I tend to be very shy. I struggle with this due to the previous break up and not feeling wanted. The few times I have initiated , 1 out of 3 he will say no. (too tired, has smoked too much wacky, its been a bad day)
We had an argument around 4 months ago as I found he had been watching porn etc whilst we were both in the house. I brought this up due to me having the feeling of, if you have a girlfriend and don't have or initiate/want sex with her, yet you will have a wank in the living room? He was also looking at onlyfans and on thirst trap Facebooks of younger models.
On every other level, he is lovely, has a nice family. Is often up and down with his jobs but is always employed.
We have a 15 year age gap, him being my senior and no children if this is relevant.))

I have now approached him to say that I am not happy and that I don't know if this is going to work.
He lives with me so I would need to ask him to leave.
The response I received from him is that we need to work on things. I just said to him I will give it a shot and see where we are. We went to the harvester for meal and it just felt quite forced. The conversations we are having feel forced in general feel forced. I don't know if I have already checked out.

He said he needs be to be more 'attentive' since this discussion about me not being happy as I have been distant from him and he is getting anxious.
I am struggling to voice my thoughts without unintentionally hurting him , I have pretty severe anxiety and depression and I feel as though he is trying to manipulate me into staying even though I am unhappy.

I don't know how to approach him.

Your post seems to be all about what he says/ what he wants. He wants you dancing to his tune and he seems to change the goal posts when you try and do what he wants.
A lot of people regard their partner watching Only Fans as him cheating. That, plus the other females accounts he is following and the porn means he is getting his sexual satisfaction from other women.
I think.you would be much happier without him. Doing what makes you happy.
Sorry , I realise I haven't answered your question about how to get him to leave. I'm sure your mental health and confidence and self esteem will improve once he goes.

You’re not married so ditch him. Onwards and upwards.

My flat in which we live is in my name (housing association), he is part of my household but not on the tenancy. He pays towards the bills .How much notice do I have to give him?
My mother is going away the first week of september so need to house sit for her , so If i told him he needs to leave in that time would I be ok to do that?

So many red flags here!

He has no legal right to stay in your house, and you don’t want to give him notice so he has the opportunity to wheedle his way back in.

I would tel him it’s over and you want him put by Saturday. That’s plenty of notice.

He just won’t go, keeps saying stuff like
Im not the worst of the worst out there. And you don't know how good we've actually got it. Not perfect. But if it's not perfect, then there's always room for improvement, which means it can always get better than it has been.
And as you've already said, it's not been bad. It's just been stagnant. If your idea of bringing a current into or fixing a stagnant problem is to just flush it down the drain rather than just move it around a little bit, then that's the solution that will not get you anywhere.
And I don't want that feeling. You can't just... You can't mix your prerogative to it,you can't just throw things out of the way because they don't quite fit the bill for a couple of months compared to the last year.
I’m struggling with words and verbalising what I want to say and this is the kind of thing I’m up against as he’s very good with words.

Don't get distracted by his word soup. Tell him to pack his things and leave by the weekend as it's working out for you. No discussion no need.

When you say 'he just won't go' that suggests you've tried - so you've tried and he's refusing? Don't take no for an answer, it's your house and he needs to go. I'd call the police if he doesn't judge, he has no right to be there. He's walking all over you currently

I agree with the above. He is not respectful of your needs. You need to be direct - you need him to move out by the weekend. And change the locks if necessary. Good luck.

Budge not judge

He sounds grim. A weed addict who pervs over young women on OnlyFans. Tell him it's over and to move out. Do you have any large male friends/relatives who can back you up on moving day?

I wouldn't rely on him moving himself out while you're away. He needs a shove. He knows you want him out, he also knows you're too nice to insist if he digs his heels in. So unless you want him there for evermore smoking weed and watching porn, you need to tell him it's not working and he's got until the weekend. If he hasn't gone by then pack up his stuff into bin bags and put them outside. Get a friend round for moral support. If he won't go tell him you'll call the police. Or his mum if that would shift him.
Don't be afraid to actually call them, he has no right to stay in your home if you don't want him there. They will make him leave.

You just have to keep repeating that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore and he needs to leave. Don't get drawn into circular discussions about why or what might change into the future. Just say it's not working for you anymore and your feelings have changed

I’ve given him till Saturday to leave. I will text him to confirm what time by on Thursday to give him some space. I’m just upset that I can’t stay in my own flat without feeling manipulated. I know I’m too soft. I have given him the time to sort things out , I will call the police if he isn’t out by when I say on Saturday and will change the locks as soon as I can. I’m at my mothers house but just feel like it should t be me having to have gone just because he has ‘nowhere’ to go

Well done for telling him to go. Are you sure he won't do something mean to your house or belongings in the meantime? Sorry to worry you OP. But can you or someone pop over to check before Saturday?

He sounds like my on off bf who I try and leave but he has a way of wriggling back in. I left him 2 weeks ago but he ended up staying here 2 nights ago because the idiot has lost his house key and was texting me saying he was walking round the streets.

When you look at your relationship as a whole is it full of lies and emotional abuse?

Sex on its own is a complicated issues. I felt exactly like you. We were always sleeping together everytime we saw one another then after a while it was like he just did not want me for months. Then it was a rare moment here and there. He also smoked drugs which is why I've had enough. It eventually ruins their lives and yours! They prioritise what they need over everything else then they expect you to help and support them.

I feel for you living with him. The fact he said we just need to work on things triggers me because I find they always say stuff like that to shut you up but don't ever actually do anything about it.

We also had a 15 year age gap!

Come on Op
You give no notice you say go, perferable with a friend by your side you no nonsense might be easier?
You then look for someone less senior and who is not stuck being regimented.
Clear him out before you go house sitting and have to endure anymore B.S.
You owe him nothing.

Pleased to hear it.
Block him and make sure you have your keys left.
They do not change.

Also he's not "great with words" - the things you quoted don't even make any sense. If you want to come back on it you could say yes, when water has gone stagnant you do have to solve the blockage by moving it around, but you also have to flush it away and start again. You can't re-use the water. You, exDP, are the stagnant water in this analogy.

Also mix your prerogative means nothing it just sounds like showing off words that dont quite mean anything. Just ignore bargain basement Russell-Brand-polemic-video-speak and chuck him back.

He has been digging his heels in but I have stood my ground and told him a time to be out by on Saturday. Telling me it’s going to take a little more time and I am being unfair, I said no and he has to be out by Saturday. Telling me he’s not the bad guy and that karma will get me
I have booked a locksmith to come an hour after he leaves so that will be sorted quickly. Anything he leaves I’ll organise collection or have it delivered to his new place or his mothers.
his mother has also been messaging saying how dare I leave him homeless etc.. not responding to her but he’s getting his own mother to fight his battles at 43.. give me strength

Well done OP! His mum can give him a bed if she's that worried for his welfare!

His Mum probably doesn’t want him either.

@Loreta112 it would be a good idea to call the police non-emergency number and let them know about the ultimatum, and say you are not confident he will leave peacefully.

They are not interested in an eviction as such, but potentially he might refuse to go and cause a fuss. The police will be interested if he gets aggressive and you are in fear for your safety.

So give them the heads up now. It might help you if you need to call 999 on Saturday. (And if he gets aggressive you must call 999).

Yeah this. The "word soup" (love that expression) is just a distraction technique.

Simply ask him to leave and give him a date.

It doesn't matter WHAT he says, after you've told him to leave. You've still told him to leave. Him saying something afterwards doesn't negate what you said.

Thank you all for your help it really means a lot to me as I don’t have a lot of people around me in order to discuss these kind of things.
I have contacted 101 online to register that I don’t think he will leave peacefully and I presume I will get a call in the next 48 hours.
I have been bombarded with messages from him and his mother saying how dare I etc etc, currently ignoring these types. Only contact has been to confirm the time and whether he was taking a specific piece of furniture , he is also taking our one year old cat. I have a cat already whom is 4 so he will stay with me, he has been adamant that the cat goes with him as he doesn’t want to leave ‘empty handed’ and he is his little mate.