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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for being angry at DH?

26 replies

peeeeed · 15/04/2008 20:06

Anybody with different perspective on this would be much appreciated as I can't seem to get out from my mental rut. DH and I have lovely 10 months old DD. Recently I decided to enter into musical audition and am going away for two weeks as I got into the finals when DD will be one year old. This is something I'm very passionate about and need to practice a lot for the finals as I feel it will be my last chance to enter into the competition. (as I'm getting old..). So lately DH is taking care of LO more than usual and he is saying things like 'you know this one comes first', 'she misses you so much'. And it's hard enough missing her loads when I work without hearing stuff like that. Of course my gorgeous daughter comes before everything, and I love her dearly, but this work will be just for next two months. So I'm just being miserable working my guts off (as it's making me more tired than usuall.) and DH is always giving me guilt trip looks (and saying if you want to do it so much, why aren't you happy). He says he is being supportive by looking after her, but I don't feel that I'm being supported at all. I don't want to feel like this until the end of June when all of this has finished and our relationship is suffering. I feel like quitting it all will maybe make it better, but then I know that I will feel so resentful. And last straw was today, I was practicing in the room and got interrupted, I told him he wasn't being supportive, then he called me a bitch because I rather work than go play with him and DD to the park. I take her out loads in the mornings, playgroups, swimming, shopping and he never really takes her out of the house, so why can't he go with DD to the park without giving me hell? I don't know if I'm being selfish and just quit this audition thing or not..

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 15/04/2008 20:39

YANBU

It's really not on for your dh to call you a bitch - no matter what the issue - and if he doesn't look after your dd willingly and with good grace, then he isn't being genuinely supportive.

I don't think you are being selfish either (particularly as this is just a short-term situation). Everyone needs an interest or goal outside work & mothering to keep them going. A happy mother = a happy child.

Why do you think he is so resentful? Does he have outside interests of his own?

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 20:42

Are you employed or are you a SAHM?

Original poster
peeeeed · 15/04/2008 20:53

counting- I know, He said that as he knows that's the word I hate most just get me out from practice...I just ignored and am ignoring him completely....at the moment today, maybe tomorrow..I don't know how to clear the air. i don't know why he might be so resentful except that he also is profesionnal musician.

Mrs macaroon - DH and I are both self employed, so I teach at home and so does he. Although he has more work outside home, we are generally at home together.

OP posts:
Original poster
peeeeed · 15/04/2008 20:56

sorry about terrible spelling and grammer... To be fair to DH, I have been a misery guts since I started the whole thing as I have much more tired than usuall...I know I should be happy well, I am, but I'm just tired don't have energy to enjoy other things as this audition is always on my mind

OP posts:
Original poster
peeeeed · 15/04/2008 20:57

I'm gonna go up and practice now...I will be back and check messages tomorrow. Bye bye mumsnetters..my refuse in emotional crisis..

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 15/04/2008 21:00

Could you get a baby-sitter in for one evening (or lunch-time if eves difficult) this week and take him out for a surprise meal and use the opportunity to talk and try and get to the bottom of things (not a veyr original suggestion I know!).

They say the first year of dc1's life is hardest on our marriages. It's such a huge adjustment. Maybe he is missing you and the time you used to spend together??

Or could you perhaps encourage him to take up an outside interest or set himself a similar goal after June and say that you will support him in turn? Would that help things ... again ... just suggesting things off the top of my head .....???

Irisheyes78 · 15/04/2008 21:20

Are dd and dh going with you when you go to the finals?

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 21:25

aha! I too am self employed and my DH is partially self employed...i can empathise- it's harder to measure. You might try being more vulnerable about it 'i am really worried about mucking this up if i can't focus and practise...sob sob...can you help me?'. Tears would be good. Recruit him to help you- ask him to rate your performance every evening and ask for pointers. Thank him profusely. He prolly feels left out and is moaning by proxy. Men are so sensitive LOL

DivaSkyChick · 16/04/2008 00:01

From his perspective, he's really sacrificing (loss of his best friend to hang out with, etc) and not even being appreciated for his efforts. Not only that, but you're not even happy for yourself. To him, this must seem supremely unfair.

My opinion, you're going to have to fake it a little. Don't tell him you're tired, or how hard it is. Let him see how much you love him and appreciate his sacrifice - and that you KNOW it's a sacrifice. You have to rrrreally appreciate him until he's embarrassed.

Even if we all know that, situation reversed, you'd be doing everything you could to help without expecting a lot in return. It's a guy thing.

twentypence · 16/04/2008 00:08

What if you do well at the audition - what does that mean for him?

Dh isn't a musician so I get annoyed when he doesn't "get" things. But it seems that's just because he's a dh and not anything to do with not being a musician.

madamez · 16/04/2008 00:46

Somewhere in the back of his mind is the lurking idea that Mother = Not Really A Person. Lots and lots of men feel like this on some level because there have been centuries of this concept that women exist purely for other people's benefit and for a woman to want to do anything for herself means she is bad and selfish.
Stick to your guns, don't let him whine and guilt-trip you into giving this up, because the next thing will be him wanting you to give up work, then to give up music, etc, etc, etc, because you're a Mother now and therefore you can;t have a life.
Mind you, it is also difficult to live with anyone who is obsessed and struggling with a work project, so you are going to have to make the effort to be cheerful and charming as much as possible when not actually practising.

Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 15:17

okay. I will try to be cheerful and happy. I am really inside...I guess it's true that he feels left out and it's all me doing stuff and we don't have any time together. I already did the sob sob thing and that backfired..not on purpose, but tears just make my DH get more wound up rather than sympathise...strange. Okay, I'll ask him to listen to me play and etc.etc.. do bit more of cooking and stuff when he's been out working (which I did today!!)
It's funny isn't it. We spend lots of our time together in the house and it seems like if the other one's feeling miserable and then one feels more need to be MORE miserable so we seem to try to get more sympathy from each other and it's not working... Will hire a babysitter for night, and go out to Wagamama's or something and have our own time!! DH doesn't think the auditions are all political and corrupted so he just thinks it's pointless doing it, but I just want to do it as it's my last chance. Everything in the world now days is more or less corrupted, does that mean you shouldn't try at all?

Thanks for input, Thank you very very much.

OP posts:
dittany · 16/04/2008 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 17:30

he could well be jealous. Came back today..still ignoring each other. Just went in himself to practice to music room. For a concert he has next year!!!!! Fuming inside but just going to ignore till he apologizes. He NEVER apologizes first. I have to alwasy coax him to.., then he does.

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Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 17:31

IZIOT!

OP posts:
Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 17:31

SORRY.. I'm using mumsnet as therapy room! ) thanks for this space

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NiftyNanny · 16/04/2008 20:42

What's he done? Are you talking yet?

Don't give up on the audition, please don't - you'll have the big "what if..." lurking over you, and will end up resenting everyone, it's got to be better in the long run to work it out and go for it now.

Quattrocento · 16/04/2008 20:45

YANBU

twentypence · 16/04/2008 21:03

Do you play the same instrument?

Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 22:12

no we aren't talking at all. I don't feel like talking to somebody who called me a bitch and he's going around banging stuff and acting like he's the victim here, and I won't give up my audition at all. he just thinks this audition is load of bollocks (I don't Obviously..) and yes we do play the same instrument.

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 16/04/2008 22:17

he is jealous and is being an arse.

kittywise · 16/04/2008 22:17

Hmm sounds like a touch of the green eyed monster!

Original poster
peeeeed · 16/04/2008 22:19

well don't know what to do. If this goes on, I would hate to be in the same room with him for YEARS!!! why can't he be grownup and just be happy for me.

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 16/04/2008 22:21

because he is jealous and is being an arse.... see above (or below, whatever). ignore his bad behaviour. will be good practice for when your dc is a toddler.

twentypence · 16/04/2008 22:31

Oh crikey, artistic temperament and jealousy are much worse if you play the same instrument.

Did he audition for the same thing too? How do you choose who gets which pupil and who uses the music studio? I'm being really nosey - but largely because as my husband works in insurance my main problem is that he doesn't understand. Your dh sounds like he understands only too well!

Oh, and well done you on getting so far.