My Partner is a Compulsive Liar

[Mummyto4WM]

Ladies,
Oh ladies, I'm going to keep this short. I feel like banging my head on a brick wall. My partner is a compulsive liar (he doesnt even deny it anymore). He lies all the time, 95% of the time about things that don't matter. Ie. I brushed my teeth (when he didnt). Like most things aren't even a big deal!

I've tolerated it for a while, but it's grating on me now. I've even stopped calling out his lies and just telling myself "he's a liar, don't bother" just to prevent arguing.

Don't really know what advise I want, probably just a moan. It's so exhausting!

Erm, didn’t you realise this fairly quickly after meeting him? If you did why did you choose to stick around? If it’s new ehat started it?

Why on earth isn't he an ex?

My ex was like this. Exactly like this. It was worse because he was also abusive. And gaslit me.

Get rid. It will wear you down to the point of a nervous breakdown.

I have a family member like this. It's really annoying. I think you should keep calling him out. It makes you not believe anything they say

I just can't imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't trust anything he said.

Being in a relationship with a liar is actually going to cause you mental health issues in the long run - stress, anxiety, depression, even dementia further down the line.

You’ve got all that to look forward to if you stay with him.

If you want to hear that it’s ok to leave him, it’s absolutely OK to leave him. This is a legitimate reason to end a relationship. There’s no trust between you, and no bond to be built because he cannot tell the truth. It’s not your job to fix it or stand by him. You deserve a normal, trusting relationship where you don’t have to second guess everything.

Staying with him is going to wear on you mentally in a BIG way. You will probably stop trusting yourself and your judgement as well, and that will be a scary place to be. Leave now before it gets harder.

What does he say when you call him out on these lies?

This. Lies is an absolute deal breaker for me. How can you stand being with someone so dishonest?

I have a friend the same and it is exhausting. I've also noticed recently that she can also only tolerate conversations where it's focused on her. I just nod along now knowing full well it's all BS

This. You are not married. Just thrown him the fuck out. You cannot believe a word he says. And why is a grown ass adult lying about brushing their teeth?

If he lies about little things, he will lie about big things. You cannot stay in a relationship with someone who is inherently untrustworthy. Why are you still with him?

I could not be with a liar, it would be a huge deal breaker. You couldnt rely on or trust them for anything no matter how big or small and without trust, you just dont have a good basis for a partnership.

Leave now and don't look back.

My ex is like this

Lies about everything small little lies after a few months such as you say brushing teeth or in his case showering.

It took me 3 years to realise it all part of his game, lie over little things or stuff that most would not question.

This led to lies about whereabouts what he was doing and who with, even money and a driving license. Then controlling too spent all my time questioning behaviour that I realised how much I was being controlled.

And always an excuse or a sob story to why he lied or twisted it I was always moaning or nagging.

Liars will never change.

OP, there is no point in a relationship with someone like this because you cannot trust a word that comes out of their mouths, and that’s not compatible with a relationship because it’s supposed to be a team effort. No advice really other than to end it. He could have therapy but he has to want to change. You’re not there to fix him. Move on. Blunt but true.

Fuck him off.

It's not love.

I think for the first 9 to 12 months, I was in denial. Back then he'd definitely gaslight me. Like I remember 5 months in, being awoken in his house by his mother, who'd let herself in and was cleaning. I remember him saying "she's never done this before, it's just she wants this relationship to go well for me"

His dishwasher broke down 3 months later, and I realised he couldnt wash up. I questioned him on his mother again and he admitted she cleans his house twice a week, and that she always has done.

So, I'm definitely partly to blame because we are 2 years in now, and I've turned a blind eye. It's only because we are now buying a house together, planning a wedding, I'm questioning the longevity of the relationship because im uncovering who he really is!

This terrifies me, I had a really bad dip in my mental health earlier this year, for the first time in 6 years. And I couldn't identify what had caused it... im starting to think maybe it was being I was so gaslit by him for a year.

I think that's why I've normalised his lies. Just take it on the chin and move on! But I feel like im letting him get away with it, so it will continue

Well... when I call him out, he'll reframe it as "an excuse" rather than use the word lie- he'll say it's to cover up not doing something he knew he should do.

We then have a few exchanges and he'll go, well yeah I lied. I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

They are never huge lies. Like
I'll ask did you put the bin out - yes. (He didnt)
On a weekend break last week, I asked did you pack toothpaste - yes. (He didnt)
I ask what have you been up to today - just gym, riding my bike, tidying up. I'll said, I drove past your mum's on my way back and your car was there - "oh yeah, i forgot and stopped by on my way home"

Yesterday's example, we had a wedding invite, I asked have you responded- he said "yes, I told them we can't wait to be there" I then asked, but we haven't sorted childcare. He said "I told them, we can't wait to be there, childcare permitted" - I said no you didn't, you didn't think about that, as the arrangements always fall to me. I said show me the message - he then said "I lied"

It's lie after lie after lies.

@Aquamarine1029

100%!
big lies - this is my biggest fear. He isn't the type that would cheat or something like that. He's so dependent and obsessed with me and the relationship.

I am massively contemplating our future. I'm soooo frustrated. Like well beyond the angry stage, which is why I don't call him out anymore

He targeted you to abuse.

Do not buy a house with him let alone marry this man child who has had his mother going into clean for him twice a week. How low is your relationship bar here?,

You need to end this so called relationship today. You owe him nothing let alone a relationship here. It’s over and it was actually over a long time ago. Why this has dragged on two years is something you’re going to have to ask yourself.

He’s a compulsive liar and he lies to get himself out of trouble. This is deeply ingrained in him and started in childhood. He is and will continue to drag you and any kids down with him if you remain with him.

God no, don't do this to yourself, get out and stay out.

He will never change and it will drive your crazy

It's only because we are now buying a house together, planning a wedding, I'm questioning the longevity of the relationship because im uncovering who he really is!

Op, you must know you absolutely cannot marry this man or buy a house with him. Surely. He is a compulsive liar and this never changes. He is hardwired to lie, and your life will be a misery with him. Just end it and move on, and consider yourself very, very lucky that you did before it was too late.

Get out and get out now.

i have known one compulsive liar in my life, and she ruined my cousins life. When he finally got out of the relationship, she ended up trying to control him from afar and eventually killed herself.

The big problem with a liar is that eventually they believe their own bullshit. The human mind rebels at lies- we are built to work with the truth. You cannot be in a relationship if you don’t expect the person you’re with to be honest with you.

Trust is the context in which relationships are built. If you don’t trust someone, especially if you don’t trust their words, you might as well just not speak to them. Why be married to someone you may as well not speak to?