My Partner is a Compulsive Liar

[Mummyto4WM]

Ladies,
Oh ladies, I'm going to keep this short. I feel like banging my head on a brick wall. My partner is a compulsive liar (he doesnt even deny it anymore). He lies all the time, 95% of the time about things that don't matter. Ie. I brushed my teeth (when he didnt). Like most things aren't even a big deal!

I've tolerated it for a while, but it's grating on me now. I've even stopped calling out his lies and just telling myself "he's a liar, don't bother" just to prevent arguing.

Don't really know what advise I want, probably just a moan. It's so exhausting!

Did I read that right, you have a child together? You need to show your child that this is not ok.

if he showed a genuine want for change and went to counselling I’d consider staying but I think he’ll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

Please don’t tie yourself to him anymore.

Forget the lying, please do not marry a man than doesn't know how to clean a house. A man that lets his mother clean twice a week.

Or are you happy to become this man's mother for the rest of your life.

Do you have dcs together?!

im not sure i could be in a relationship with a man who can’t wash up in the first place, but how can you cope with not trusting a word that comes out of his mouth and having to double check everything.

This doesn’t sound a good base for a relationship.

This would have started in childhood. A fear of getting into trouble/feeling rejected/being hurt. The lies were an adaptation to keep his safe.

If he is able to admit it later, he might be open to picking it apart with a therapist.

Are there other issues other than the lying, or would him willingly addressing it give you both a chance of a meaningful relationship?

I’m sorry OP but he won’t change. The pattern he has established is one of trying to get things past you all the time, it’s a parent/naughty child dynamic. Some things he will get away with, some he won’t. Eventually you’ll doubt and mistrust everything, it’s not a good basis for a happy marriage.

You are early enough in this relationship to get out. Listen to your instincts.

@Hiddenmnetter Trust is the context in which relationships are built. If you don’t trust someone, especially if you don’t trust their words, you might as well just not speak to them. Why be married to someone you may as well not speak to?

This really resignates, I found myself not talking to him one week, because I thought whats the point when the response will be a lie. He then said I was being abusive to him - stonewalling and giving the silent treatment. I reflected on myself and was horrified with my own behaviour.
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You're so right

You can't possibly know whether he's the type to cheat. You don't know him!

How can you be planning to marry and buy a house with a person you can't trust on everyday trivia, let alone important issues, plans and money?

Even if you're desperate for a man, you can do better than one who doesn't know how to keep house and is a pathological liar 😳

@EnjoyingTheSilence
if he showed a genuine want for change and went to counselling I’d consider staying but I think he’ll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

He actually has a therapy session today, he's doing CBT around it. I'm working so I won't be around and I found myself questioning whether he's telling the truth to this too!

Well he’s played a blinder hasn’t he. When you react to his ongoing lies by taking the only rational course of action you’re being abusive.

There is just no point staying. I’ll bet £100 right now that by the end of this thread you will have disclosed (unintentionally) a number of ways in which he is coercing and controlling you. My cousins wife did it all through emotional manipulation and threats to kill herself. Conversations with her always started with “I feel so bad, so unwell” etc etc, and always ended with “if DH would just pay me more attention it would be ok”.

I don’t know what your partners MO is, but I’d be prepared to bet money right now that those patterns are there.

@RogersOrganismicProcess - Are there other issues other than the lying, or would him willingly addressing it give you both a chance of a meaningful relationship?

The lies and his style of communication has been the main issues. We've had issues around his over involved parents and his loyalty to them. He read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward a few weeks ago, and it feels like this was a turning point for him. He's more reflective and says he's now found a therapist.

I know I should leave, I'm a know fixer, it's in my nature but I also need to look after me, and I'm getting very little from this relationship at the moment, and I'm becoming a bit resentful

FFS, op, don't you realise that this will be your life? You will constantly have to question everything, all the time, because you can't trust a thing he says. Your life will be an exhausting misery. The reality is that you don't know this man at all, your entire relationship has been built on quicksand.

How do you know he’s seeing a therapist?

I know I should leave, I'm a know fixer, it's in my nature but I also need to look after me, and I'm getting very little from this relationship at the moment, and I'm becoming a bit resentful

You are not a rehab for damaged men, op! It's not your job to fix him, and you'll never be able to anyway. Every second you stay in this doomed relationship is just wasting your life.

Then there is your answer.

The ‘stonewalling’ he accused you of doing, is you being drawn into the unhelpful relational dynamics of his past. The ‘mother’ who rejects him if he is caught doing something naughty. I’ve put ‘mother’ in inverted commas as it could also quite possibly by his dad or other main care giver.

So which character does he have you re-enacting op?

@Hiddenmnetter if DH would just pay me more attention it would be ok”.

So much of what you're saying hits a nerve. You're describing my relationship. He said before "if you were more positive towards me and less critical, I wouldn't feel I need to lie"

When I didn't see him for a few days, he said "if you would spend time with me, I'd be able to show you I've changed but how can I change when I can't see you"

I never saw these things as red flags, I just took them on the chin as something I was doing wrong

Do you have children? I see you've been together 2 years.

Honestly don't waste your life. You have no peace of mind.

Also there is no type when it comes to cheating. Him being obsessed and dependent on you doesn't rule him out. That's something you're telling yourself. You have to look at all the countless threads on here, from women who are baffled that their husbands have cheated, as they just didn't seem 'the type' because they are too shy, too principled, too loving, too boring, too whatever. There is no type.

He may be lying and gaslighting you, but you are also doing it to yourself by convincing yourself you can build a happy marriage with him and considering financial ties to him.

Where do I collect my £100? 😂

But seriously- this exact relationship dynamic destroyed my cousin. Even post divorce it carried on; everyone thought I was callous but when she killed herself I was relieved. Get out, and don’t delay.

Theres no “fixing” this with therapy. Vices and virtues are basically habits- habits of choice. When did this start? No idea. Why did this start? No idea- it does not matter now. He is habituated into the choice of lying. He is so habituated into that choice that he does not even choose it anymore. His lying has become second nature to him now.

I would hazard a guess that he is probably quite mentally unwell himself- given to depressive episodes and sullen and introspective periods where he doesn’t engage. This is because lying is bad for humans. “Thou shalt not lie”
is not simply a religious injunction- it is a tale about one of the deepest paths of human nature. The damage he has done to himself will only spread.

You needed childcare?
Do you have a child with him OP?

So... he accused you of being abusive. He's got YOU questioning YOUR behaviour - when you have every right to be questioning his. Do not marry this man. I would wager you don't actually know him at all. Back out now. This is not normal. HE is not normal.

100% this. Stop wasting your life trying to fix a broken man. Start thinking if you.

Do you really only think you’re worth a compulsive liar and are happy yo go through the rest if your life not creating a word that comes out of his dishonest mouth? Is that the future you see for yourself?

The lies will cause resentment. Honestly, I’d get out now.

And so nit only does he lie, he also gaslights and DARVO’s you - he’s an abuser you just don’t want to see what’s in front of your eyes.

You can’t fix abuse - you can only protect yourself and walk away

He sounds absolutely horrendous. He will destroy your mental health if you stay. Please be brave.

My advice would be 'don't make it 3 years'.