Am I blind to being the problem

[XJ15]

Please tell me if I’m literally being blind and I’m the cause
We both work full time 40 hours a week, I work from home.

Our daughter's had her nursery hours reduced as it was too much all day, so from 9-11.30 I have her whilst I’m working.

Now it’s school holidays, I’ve had to book annual leave half a day everyday + some of these will be unpaid. I have no one to cover me, so I need to get 8 hours worth of work done in 4. Our daughter is very lively and doesn’t stop all day so she’s too tiring for grandparents to have all day so she goes at 12pm.
Unless I mention it, he doesn’t book off any school holidays and each time I do mention it, he forgets then the holidays are taken up by other employees.

Now I’ve said he needs to have her from 3pm - 5pm whilst I’m still working, he can have an hour to himself at 5 then at 6 I will likely need to do my work for free in the evening as I can’t let my job fall behind because in the long run, it’s a good job with excellent pay and working from home benefits. So I’ve said can you put her to bed since I spend all morning with her, planning mornings out etc and I can do work plus not being funny, he’s a parent, shouldn’t all fall on me all the time.

He has told me that me working in the evening will cut into our time and I’m putting work first. I said I’m only having to because I’ve had to book off the whole summer myself in the mornings. He then made comments otherwise that by the time he gets home the house hasn’t been cleaned, bear in mind, had I have been in an office all the day, the house would have looked the same. He thought since I’ve “gone part time” I could clean and look after our daughter.

I’ve reminded him that I haven’t gone part time, I’ve basically used my leave so I don’t need to be present from 9am - 1pm at work for calls and emails and still need to get the 8 hours done (or less if I can concentrate) so I don’t have to try and balance watching a 3 year old and working at the same time as it was stressing me SO much

It’s like it’s a big inconvenience for him to watch our daughter in the evening because he’s been at work all day.

My work has taken such a hit because the evenings are filled with me cleaning / getting our daughter to bed and by the time I go to work I’m too tired.

I just feel like nothing I do is right. Please tell me what I can do that would be the right thing or if I’m doing enough

Ditch the DH?
Unless you can change his perception of you as the one who does the parenting.
He does not respect your contribution, your career, or your need for any free time. He sees his career as the main one, yours as a little extra. Good luck, you're going to need it. Oh and I think he's being manipulative too, to get you thinking this is your problem.

Its not you, its him. He sees you as the parent, rather tha. The two of you. Its a disgusting way for him to treat you. I’d be seriously rethinking this relationship.

It is definitely him.

How old is your DD and can you get her into any other kind of childcare?

Him seeing his career as the main one and mine as the little extra really stuck out (even though I earn more without overtime) thank you for this. I’m going to use this when arguing my case

Thank you I do have a lot to think about

It’s the lack of suitable childcare. You can’t go on working and looking after a nursery aged child at the same time.

It’s the school holidays. She’s just got somewhere to go in the afternoons, she’s just far too lively for anyone to look after all day.

If you have booked annual leave you shouldn't be making the hours up after work. Having no one to cover your role is something that needs to be addressed at your place of work.

What’s the issue with childcare? If she is nursery aged then you can’t look after her and work at the same time, especially if she is too ‘lively’ for nursery. From the very limited info here I’m wondering if either your nursery is rubbish or if your DD has additional needs they can’t cope with. You say school holidays, is this a school nursery or a private nursery who only offers term time hours. I don’t understand why you would choose a term time only nursery if you don’t have childcare for the holidays and you need nursery for childcare.

Your DH is a seperate issue.

This. Definitely

if you are working 8 hours then you are working flexibly - you are not on annual leave. Don’t waste your leave on this! You should either get your employer to agree to flexible working or stop doing the additional 4 hours that you have taken as leave.

It’s also true that your husband is a selfish and inconsiderate prick.

Hence why I’ve booked half a day off everyday so that I’m not juggling both childcare and work. My post is regarding my husbands behaviour and what I feel is a lack of help from him. As you appear to be perfect, I’d love to know what the perfect day in the perfect world would be? Sending my daughter to private nursery 8am - 6pm everyday when my husband finishes at 3pm and can collect her everyday. Nursery is closed during the school holidays, I came up with what I thought was a solution and wanted outsiders point of view if I’m being unreasonable. My DH is not a separate issue, because he is also the father and therefore our child care issue. Your response is just regarding my decisions of what type of school I’d like to put my daughter into. A year ago, we didn’t know she would become too lively that her grandparents would struggle to watch her all day. So my decision was to send her to an ofsted outstanding nursery at the time knowing we were fortunate to have family to help in the holidays, but unfortunately circumstances change and I’ve had to adapt. Yes, I’ve had to adapt my working day and asked my husband to cover extra time in the evening so everyone can go to bed with their jog done, but instead of fully reading my post, you just assumed I was asking what to do re school and work? Absolutely not, I was asking if what I was asking my husband is unreasonable. So no, by DH is not a separate issue

I know, it’s just been a tough year for everyone at work and to be honest, they saved a lot of us from a company that went into administration. I just feel I owe it to them to make sure the job is done. But I agree with what you’re saying, I’d just feel too guilty to not do it

I think it’s bollocks convenient he needed you to tell him to book the time off work and then ‘forgot’ so you had to remind him to do so again - presumably he doesn’t need you reminding him to do his hobby/ see his friends/ meet work deadlines/ wipe his own arse?

Your dh is unreasonable. He needs to step up and take half of this issue.

You need a sit down and a serious talk

As he cannot be bothered to parent jointly with you he needs to pick up more than 50/50 of the cleaning. Yes that means he won't have as much "alone time" and he will have to do bedtimes 5 night during the week and likely 1 at weekend. It's called being a parent.

It is not a possibility for you to go part time. Next year and each following he WILL book time off to look after her as you are not a single parent. This will be a non negotiable he will not forget and if he "forgets" he forgoes the right to "personal time Monday to Friday" his job is NOT more important than yours.

Long term you need a nursery that is not only open term time. This may also support her settling easier. You say she is 3 so you are looking at school likely next September? What joint plans can you come up with to cope with the holidays going forward? Make it clear to him. Your job will NOT suffer further due to his inability to get he is a joint parent. This is not a "you" problem it's a "him" problem and he needs to step up as a parent.

You need proper childcare - no-one can work like that.

Having said that, your husband is being an arse. Don't let him de-rail your career, it's really important that you are able to earn and progress at work independently - even more so now that he's showing this attitude to work and child raising.

Explore other childcare options. Traditional pre-schools are pretty much useless to most families where both parents work FT. Perhaps a childminder would better suit your DD?

3 issues:

1. If you have booked half a day of leave, why are you still working 8 hours per day
2. you need to sort full day childcare. How old is your child? Full days of nursery, half day nursery+ half day granny care?
3. your DH needs to share the responsibility for child care. Totally unacceptable.

Sit down with your husband and a shared calendar and work out who is doing what re childcare and chores.

Be clear that you can't look after your child, work and clean so he needs to step up. Also make it clear that he's a parent and the house is also his so he has equal responsibility.

Of you are working reduced hours why are you working evenings?
Becuase you are unable to during your morrning with your daughter around?
Can he book his leave well in advance to catch the leave needed for the next holidays?
I think he is so unreasonable...this is vital it is sorted for the hoildays for you to be able to cope and work.
Is there another option or place open for childcare in holidays?

I think she is working reduced hours during the school holidays because she has zero childcare. So she is still trying to fit in 4 hours work while she has her daughter. This should in theory be easier than during term time when she is working 8 hours a day with only 3 hours of childcare minus travel time.

It all sounds like madness and must be incrediably stressful.

Firstly, If you're both working 40 hours a week you need proper full time childcare that is available all year round - not just a few hours in term time. You and your DH can't be scrabbling around for relatives to do odd hours or trying to work while supervising a 2 year old.

So get a childminder, nanny or move her to a private nursery that is open all year round.

And yes, you have a DH problem , he needs to be doing his fair share of the parenting and shit work (house stuff, life admin etc).

Agree you need a proper nursery, I’ve tried working around a toddler at home (ran my own business) and it just meant he didn’t get any decent attention and my work suffered too. Ended up working all evening to make up for it and it was basically a nightmare! Find a proper nursery and then sit down with your H and discuss how you can achieve a fair split of chores, childcare and free time, along with time together, while both working full time. Spoiler alert - it should be 50/50.

If he’s in any way difficult about stepping up to his responsibilities remind him that if you divorce he will be expected to do 50/50 or pay the equivalent amount out of his salary to cover the fact that he’s not looking after her. He sounds like a thoughtless manchild and needs reminding that he’s a parent too, it shouldn’t all fall to you, and that includes the mental load.

I guess you could get a shared calendar thing so that he gets reminders of eg school holidays but really he should be automatically aware of them.

My ex was like that - we didn’t share DCs but one school holiday he had no idea that the (female of course) relative who usually picked up the pieces for him was going away, while he and his ex were both working and hadn’t thought to book any time off. He asked me to look after his DCs the whole week. In the end I agreed to cover his half of the week, but I was fucked if I was also doing his ex’s half too. They both had good careers and I was more flexible because I earned shit money working at home so I could be around for my own 3 kids during the holidays. Your H needs to grow up and start taking on the mental load of being a parent, not leaving it to you and your parents to sort out.

FWIW I won’t be doing regular childcare for any grandkids either - I’m too old and don’t have the energy! Of course I’ll do the odd evening etc but any GP who’s doing several days a week with young DCs needs a medal.

Sorry, but I think the whole thing is mad. You are still working full time, but take annual leave so you aren't available until lunch. You can't care for a child and do that, if you had to go into an office you would not be taking her with you. If you both work then you need proper child care, if she lively or not you need that. Both mine were very lively, I had to work full time so that's what they had to do.
If you are able to find full time nursery then she does just that, your husband can do some housework when he comes home prepares a meal, whatever and then she is collected from nursery.
It's really hard when you both work full time and have young children, I know because I did it. But trying to physically care for her and work from home and do extra hours in the evening is really not going to work.

What do you mean 'had her hours reduced'? Who's decision was that, yours or nursery's? If yours, you may need to rethink. If nursery said they couldn't cope you may need another nursery. Is there some underlying reason behind this?

He’s a failure. It’s not you.

Then tour husband is right, you are putting work before the family. If you are on leave, you're on leave. Actually I'd be requesting the leave back if you have still be doing 8hrs a day!!