Am I blind to being the problem

[XJ15]

Please tell me if I’m literally being blind and I’m the cause
We both work full time 40 hours a week, I work from home.

Our daughter's had her nursery hours reduced as it was too much all day, so from 9-11.30 I have her whilst I’m working.

Now it’s school holidays, I’ve had to book annual leave half a day everyday + some of these will be unpaid. I have no one to cover me, so I need to get 8 hours worth of work done in 4. Our daughter is very lively and doesn’t stop all day so she’s too tiring for grandparents to have all day so she goes at 12pm.
Unless I mention it, he doesn’t book off any school holidays and each time I do mention it, he forgets then the holidays are taken up by other employees.

Now I’ve said he needs to have her from 3pm - 5pm whilst I’m still working, he can have an hour to himself at 5 then at 6 I will likely need to do my work for free in the evening as I can’t let my job fall behind because in the long run, it’s a good job with excellent pay and working from home benefits. So I’ve said can you put her to bed since I spend all morning with her, planning mornings out etc and I can do work plus not being funny, he’s a parent, shouldn’t all fall on me all the time.

He has told me that me working in the evening will cut into our time and I’m putting work first. I said I’m only having to because I’ve had to book off the whole summer myself in the mornings. He then made comments otherwise that by the time he gets home the house hasn’t been cleaned, bear in mind, had I have been in an office all the day, the house would have looked the same. He thought since I’ve “gone part time” I could clean and look after our daughter.

I’ve reminded him that I haven’t gone part time, I’ve basically used my leave so I don’t need to be present from 9am - 1pm at work for calls and emails and still need to get the 8 hours done (or less if I can concentrate) so I don’t have to try and balance watching a 3 year old and working at the same time as it was stressing me SO much

It’s like it’s a big inconvenience for him to watch our daughter in the evening because he’s been at work all day.

My work has taken such a hit because the evenings are filled with me cleaning / getting our daughter to bed and by the time I go to work I’m too tired.

I just feel like nothing I do is right. Please tell me what I can do that would be the right thing or if I’m doing enough

1. You need proper childcare. No child is ‘too lively’ for professional childcare- that’s utter bullshit.
2. You shouldn’t be ‘making up’ hours you took off as annual leave. If that’s the expectation then you need a new job.
3. The person working from home needs to take on the bulk of housework. But he must share childcare after his work hours are finished. You suddenly deciding he needs to cover 3-5 because you want to work for free & not use proper childcare isn’t on.

It's a bit difficult to work out exactly what's going on from your description, but it seems obvious things aren't working well.

Your DH needs a to be equally responsible for the childcare and housework etc, and it's clear he isn't being.

But your current plan is basically crazy and obviously unworkable. Is he on board with it? Because he also needs to be equally responsible for coming up with a workable plan, and if he WAS, he's have the right to criticise it.

I think you need to sit down TOGETHER and agree you are BOTH going to work out how you are going to manage things, and share the burden FAIRLY.

Some suggestions:

Firstly,

You're using all your annual leave. What about his, is is going on holiday alone this year? Why not instead take whole alternate days off? And btw, if you WFH, on your days, GET OUT THE HOUSE, or he'll lean on you. And when you get home at the end of his day to look after the DC, tell him the house isn't tIdy enough!

In his days he has your DC. If he hasn't booked it off, then I guess he's going to be WFH, taking them to the office, or looking for emergency child care (which isn't you).

I know some people are conveniently terrible at admin. If you have to, hold your nose and sit down with him and book his days off, if possible. Or don't, and just leave him to pick up the pieces.

(I also suspect he could arrange leave at short notice, if he really had to. People have family emergencies all the time, there's no reason why this has to fall to the woman.)

Secondly,

It's absolutely bonkers to take annual leave and try to do a full days work in half the time.

But you've given a good reason for why you want to do this. Again, is your DH on board with this? He needs to be. If you don't agree on this, you won't make it work.

It sounds like it's important to you, for your sense of duty but also for your career, to not let leave your employer short staffed.

So the rational answer to that is NOT take (as much) annual leave right now.

If this is the decision of BOTH of you, then obviously your DH is going to be doing the child care. Or you BOTH need to find childcare.

Does your DH share responsibility for childcare choice, or does that all fall on you too? Do you exercise veto on childcare choices, or is it truly a shared descion?

You need to BOTH make a plan that works for BOTH of you.

You can't carry on like this.

Too many messages to respond to individually but to clear it up as I didn’t explain clearly perhaps (was upset when writing)

Term time
daughter goes to nursery 11.30-3.30pm
it was 8.30am - 3.30pm but she was getting too tired doing a full day so school suggested reducing hours.
I now take lunch 10.45-11.45
so yes working 9-10.45 everyday with child (not an issue)
husband collects at 3.30pm
nursery will look to increase hours between September and December gradually

holidays
grandparents offered to watch 10am - 3pm (again take lunch 9-10) so then work the day and when husband finishes and were happy to do so
grandparents have found her too much for long periods of time (this time around, never been an issue in the past)

i book off the mornings and DROP her to grandparents for 12.30 and I start at 1pm

I am not working in the afternoon with my daughter here. she is at grandparents in afternoon till 3/4pm when husband collects

of course happy to spend time with daughter in mornings taking her out making sure she has some activity mornings and some just relaxed movie mornings. But I can’t always clean do the housework etc as she wants to play

i don’t have anyone to cover me and I get that might come across as not my problem but I don’t want work thinking well if you can’t get the job done, you can’t have half day leave everyday

this was unexpected and I’ve tried to resolve the best I can in a short amount of time

I asked my husband to take on more responsibilities in evening so I can catch up with work as a whole month of half days will have a knock on effect with my work and he has complained that watching her in evening so I can catch up extra hours means no time for him.

I am not trying to juggle both at the same time. It leaves me 0 time as well as him. It’s not like I’m making him watch her in the evenings whilst I swan off out or have a bath. In the long run, I need to be on top of my job, but I don’t get how I can make him understand that for the next 5 weeks, we’ll have 0 time. But that comes with parenting sometimes and it’s not forever

Now you've explained it, I think the point still stands that you need full time, reliable childcare. Not just 4 hours a day term time and whatever grandparents can manage (a few hours a day?) in holidays.

If she's not settled at nursery a childminder or nanny might be more suitable?

Sorry posted too soon - I know my dc would have struggled with lack of routine and being passed between people and locations at that age. Maybe some consistency might help your DD?eg not having you, nursery, DP / grandparents all looking after her and in different locations daily.

It’s no good using an outstanding nursery if they can’t provide the care that you need, tooing and froing sounds very confusing for your child.
As for your DH, when it’s the weekend leave him to parent and go out for the day, then complain about the lack of tidying up when you get back, maybe he’ll get the message.
Why is he snarky about you working evenings ( although I agree with PP’s that you shouldn’t be doing this) surely he’d be sharing the parenting then anyway, or was his plan for you to work full time then look after your child yourself all evening while he had “time to himself”?

But, with all due respect, you can't get the job done. If you are working, what is in effect part time. Taking leave every morning is making your hours part time, then you carry on working past what should be your hours. It's not your problem if the volume of work is too great.

I asked my husband to take on more responsibilities in evening so I can catch up with work as a whole month of half days will have a knock on effect with my work and he has complained that watching her in evening so I can catch up extra hours means no time for him.

But is he on board with the whole plan of you basically doing unpaid work in the evenings?

It really sounds like you are doing the same amount of productive work, but for half the pay and at unsociable hours. Using all your leave now, and even taking unpaid leave, will essential cost you money, especially if you need to take any more unpaid leave to cover you later, e.g. over Christmas.

Can you put a £ value to this unpaid work you're doing, and agree that's a hit you're both happy with?

Does your DH agree to this plan? He's allowed to think it's a bad idea (and come up with a better one).

You're also allowed to think it's something you need to do, especially if you think it's a good investment for your career.

Is this a breakdown in communication? Does he basically not agree with the plan, but is willing to go along with it as long as it doesn't affect him in any way? That's just classic poor teamwork. (I'm not blaming you for this, it sounds like he's not really engaged with trying to find solutions).

At the end of the day, you need to be pulling in the same direction.

You need to both agree that you're going to be working full time for half wages.

You need to both agree that you're going to be working in the evenings, so he'll need to do the kids.

Or you need to both agree to do something different

Your husband doesn't sound particularly supportive, but you definitely need to rethink your work. Taking annual leave and then making up the hours isn't good for you and gives work a false impression of what is achievable. So either do what you are doing but don't make up the half days, or cancel the leave and take it when you will actually be able to enjoy it properly.

Going forward you need to plan for holidays well in advance so that you are both taking time off. School terms are fixed, so you can already see what holidays you'll need to cover for the next academic year. Start planning now who is covering which days and make sure he books them off now.

This. What a tool. He should be covering 50% of school holidays or, if he can't, he should be working with you to ensure that things are fair.

Thinking about this more OP,

You need to go back to your employer and tell them you need flexible working.

You need to get them to agree that you can work full time outside your normal hours (as you currently are doing) and commit to your current productivity level for full time pay.

You have the legal right to make a request, and your employer has to give it reasonable consideration.

They have already agreed to give you unpaid leave, so it sounds like they're reasonable, and if the work really does need doing, flexible working is a good deal for them, too.

Then, you will have more cash on hand to cover childcare costs, etc.

Assuming your DH buys in to the plan, it's then a lot more straightforward that he needs to be doing his fair half.

Tell him fine. Since he's given the nod for you to pack in work you'll hand your notice in and he can be the sole earner.

Or he can pull his fucking finger out and work as a team while the bairns still little.