Are my husbands hobby time reasonable with 2 young kids?

[OneCandidScroller]

Not sure if this should be in parenting or relationships.

Looking for advice from both sides on whether my husbands new ultra running hobby is reasonable with 2 young kids!

Dh and I have a 2 and 4 year old. We have many problems but this one is killing me. He took up running which quickly turned to ultra running last year when our kids were 1 and 3. There was no discussion when he signed up to his first race, which required intense training routine of at least 3 mornings a week, a half day a weekend, increasing to 3-4 and 5-7 hour runs over both weekend days nearer the race. I work part time so already have both kids 2 days a week. So I did feel quite frustrated that he had signed up to such large commitment just expecting it to be all OK without discussing first.

For background, I was on and off work with pnd and now depression resulting in my now taking a year off, and going back on the meds as nothing as I'm still really struggling. Our kids are a handful, they fight constantly and talk/whine/shriek from the moment they wake up till they're finally asleep. It is INSANE. I'm so overwhelmed with it and now that I'm not working the household tasks fall 95% to me as well.

So we discussed it and I told him how much I was struggling with his training and the kids and all the extra household stuff. He can't see that it affects anything, but with his training and working, some late nights and weekend, he's burning the candle at both ends and is obviously very tired, which means grumpy, and he does less household tasks cause he's either too tired or not here.

After his first race I had a few blissful weeks of him being around more and having extra hands with kids and house, and we could have days out together. Then he brought up wanting to do another race a few months later. He convinced me that it did make sense that he do it while his fitness was still up rather than starting again next year, as I really couldn't face another full training plan. I said explicitly that of course he doesn't have to give up running (which is what he hears) I'm saying absolutely run, it's good for your mental and physical health but please I cannot do the extra solo parenting/household for another huge run next year. So he got to do that run and we said he would just do smaller races for a while.

He ran that second ultra race last weekend and the next day starts talking about what's next, to which I laughed thinking he was joking. He said he was being serious, I said I don't want to talk about this right now, I'm just enjoying having 2 parents:2 children today and we've spoke about it before at length. To which he replied that he's absolutely perplexed, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He asks if that's it? If he's not allowed to run ever again now? And then says he's signing up to one anyway. Says he doesn't remember our conversation at all. And is now sulking and things are tense in the house.

So basically it feels like a stab to the heart - one, it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders the day after knowing he'd be around more and less tired/grumpy, and second that even after several heart to heart conversations, I just can't trust him emotionally because he does what he wants anyway.

This is obviously all my perspective but I'm not sure if he's gaslighting me? AIBU? Is there a compromise? How do I feel less emotionally ignored? Obviously parents have hobbies but how do they manage it while not being at the detriment to the other that's struggling??

(For background this is the second time something similar has happened, when our oldest was about 6 months, he golfed every Sunday, I was so overwhelmed with a baby who didn't sleep more than 45 mins at a time day or night, had reflux and allergies and begged him not to golf every weekend as I couldn't do a 6 day week with baby. To which he replied that he was the one out working hard all week, bringing in the money, and that he could do what he wants at the weekend. The money thing isn't even true as I had good mat pay, I pointed this out and that I also have baby all week and all nights and begged him for a comprise of golf less weekends, but he still went every weekend. This is when I kind of checked out of the relationship. Oh he did suggest that I have Saturday and that he has Sunday, but I tried to explain that it was more about having 2 parents at the same time to parent and do the household chores etc. A day off his great but then I'd still need to do all the tasks and would still be 6 days.)

And that’s a thoughtful partner who saw what he needed to do

My dh wanted to take up exercise for his mh. I was fully supportive and we agreed it would either be mornings or evenings and the other one he would be around to help. We decided on mornings so he gets up at 530 to go to the gym. I work three days so I exercise on my days off. Weekends I work Saturday so Sundays are family or leisure time . Occasionally dh started saying would I mind if he did a workout on a Sunday, given that he already gets a lay in on a Sunday I actually did mind but we compromised that it was fine if we had nothing planned. It's rare he bothers as we are often busy .

I would explain parenting is a two parent job and that he needs to be supporting you and investing in his relationship with his children. I would compromise on three evenings or mornings a week and small races that didn't require an increase in training and revisit it when both kids are on school. If he complains/refuses for one month take the equivalent time each week and leave the house -go gym/see friends etc. let him experience your reality

To play sort of devil’s advocate, I do think it’s important for you both to have your own time to do hobbies/sports etc. My husband and I have our hobbies (his football & the gym, mine is running and overpriced coffee shop trips😂), we also have a young baby. Neither of us begrudge the other their free time to do these things, we both appreciate that a happy parent is the best parent and we need that time to look after ourselves. BUT the key thing is, we BOTH have that time. I would be hugely resentful if he was off 12 hours a week for his hobby and I had no time for mine, it has to be fair.

Ask him how he'll fit the training in when he has the children 50% of the time?

As a parent of 1 child I think we have a decent balance - DH gets to go to football on thurs eve and play golf at the weekend either early morning or from lunchtime so it doesn't take the whole day. I have Saturday mornings for my running plus 2 lunchtimes during the week for other exercise. I'll organise a weekend dinner out maybe once or twice a month with friends. I think we get a decent amount of time each and hobbies taking anymore time would massively impede on family time and I don't see how it's possible to be honest.

Baby-avoidance hobbies. If he doesn't want to be with you and the children, he's a terrible father. And I'd be thinking of divorce.

These men want the kudos, housework, status and convenience of a family, but not the hard work or connection. People don't get that. Be plain that you support exercise, but not ultras. And he does understand the difference and you know he does. Don't let him weasel or pretend.

Ultimately I think you're flogging a dead horse and he'll be on OLD with pictures of him in Lycra, looking for some other woman to babysit his children during his contact time.

My husband did this when we had young kids (although it wasn't ultras) but he was out alot. I encouraged him to take the running buggy out which he did about a fifth of the time. He was out loads and I picked up the slack! I insisted on him taking kids to park/ soft play etc each weekend to give me a break which he did. However when the kids got to about 10, they started showing a interest in running. They are now late teens and dh now takes both of my ds out loads now (every weekend and during the week), running, cycling and climbing and I am sat on the sofa with my feet up.

Be careful that he might gaslight you with ‘you don’t want me to exercise? But it’s good for me..’ etc

One thing is clear (to me at least) he doesn’t want to parent his children. He wants you to parent his children. Write on a calendar how the last 6months/12 months have been spent. Allocate hours of sleep and hours for work. How many hours has he CHOSEN to be somewhere other than home with his wife and children between the non sleeping, non working hours? How many have you CHOSEN to be elsewhere?
Are you permitted the same privileges?
Some relationships are partnerships, more sadly are one sided and exploitative.
Only grown ups have the capacity to enter a partnership.Egotists and immature people need others to sacrifice for them. You are doing a lot of sacrificing and it’s not for the benefit of your family, it is to accommodate your husband’s ego.

I don't think his ultra training sounds at all excessive, but it's his timing of the runs that's the issue.
He needs to be doing his long weekend runs at times that don't impact on the family, and at times where you can also get an equivalent amount of free time.

Both DH and I train for ultras and have done throughout the baby years, but we make sure the balance is right by fitting in the runs at what most people would consider slightly mad hours of the day.

This only works if he doesn’t pull the I’m too tired to do anything else what with my busy job card.

I know there are exceptions (ie you and your husband) but most men I know who do major sport plus a full on job cannot manage to pull their weight with the kids as well - either because they don’t want to, and the sport is a dodge, or because they genuinely don’t have the energy to do it all.

Dreadfully selfish. He's missing out on some of the best bonding years and family time (and putting an unhelpful strain on your marriage at the same time). The time he is missing is not just his absence, but will also be affecting your parenting, as it is so much harder with just 1 (in effect) and no backup.

The psychology of it becomes that the children are another chore - which, although they are of course hard work, looking at them as a chore isn't nice.

When DS was born last December, I (sadly) resigned the golf membership because I knew what needed to be done for the family to function. Haven't swung a club since, but the course will still be there when I'm 50 (or when kiddo starts!). I have a couple of other (much) less time consuming hobbies, but reality is I don't see much of those with an under-1 yet either.

It's a really tough spot you're in and I sympathise. Not sure what the answer is.

I'm a fairly keen (occasionally bordering on obsessive) male cyclist who started road cycling in a small way 2011 when DDs were 9 and 7. Don't think I would have contemplated it before that for all the OPs reasons but I have always taken a fair share of parenting and DW has always had my support to keep her managerial career.

I'm far from a paragon though and I understand the dopamine addiction that comes as these activities ramp up. I've had "that talk" when it does but it was usually valid.

My advice is to be very clear about the boundaries and what is ok and what is not, and try and not be confrontational. Otherwise, it is 100% going to continue and probably get worse. Its reasonable to keep it as a hobby to keep fit and have a club social outside the home. It's not ok to ignore your other half's needs and hoover her time up. Life is a compromise, right? Mu DW is an absolute star and does facilitate me in my cycling. Kidz now adults so less of an issue but even so.

Replying from the perspective of a parent with a hobby. It can get addictive and once one event is over, I start looking for the next. If I don’t train regularly it does have an impact of my performance.

I resent it when my DH complains or gets moody about having the kids by himself but (and it’s a big but) I have always been the one who does everything for the kids…. And I still do even with the hobby. I do all the school runs, I do everything mon-fri. I cook all meals, I sort all of the shitty school stuff. I also work (part time). So as far as I’m concerned if my DH has to have the kids by himself a weekend or two a month, tough shit.

I obviously appreciate your situation is different. Why can’t you take the Saturday to yourself, he has the Sunday as he suggested? I know it’s not the solution you are after but at least you would get a bit of a break.

Yes your DH is a knob. Sounds like these hobbies are him checking out of the marriage and of family life. He's turned you into the household drudge.

You have different ideas on how you want to spend your free time. You want to find a way to spend more time all together and his compromise is to give you both more time alone.

I can understand it as you aren’t working so are quite lonely and desperate for adult conversation. On the other hand he is working FT then comes home to a full house and needs his hobbies to get some space. You are living different lives and have different needs at the moment.

This is the problem rather than whatever hobby is taking him away from the family. I think you should sit down and discuss what you both need rather than just telling him what you want.

@StormingNorman, OP says she works part-time though. It doesn’t sound like she’s desperate for adult conversation to me, she’s desperate for help with the kids!

The #1 need in the house is for the children to be looked after by their parents, spend time with their parents and see loving, supportive relationships. OP does her bit, the H doesn't. So the H's needs really do need to be mitigated with everyone else's. He appears only to see his, leaving only her to meet the needs of the children.

I know men believe they can wholly download their caring responsibilities onto women. But that isn't actually true.

Oh, and it's not 'free time'.

IP’s husband has suggested he looks after the kids one day on the weekend and OP looks after them on the other so they both get equal free time…and yes it is free time as in leisure time. What he doesn’t want to do is spend all his time either working at work or working at home/childcare. That’s the point I was making. OP wants them to do stuff together, he wants time alone.

Fundamentally, they are incompatible in how they want to spend their weekends at the moment. That is the underlying area where they need to compromise. It’s not about golf or ultra marathons or whatever takes his fancy next year. It’s about his need for time alone and OP needs to address that to get the family unit on track.

She’s taking a year off at the moment.

This would piss me off.

If he is going to continue then he needs to agree to you having exactly the same amount of time off.
And if he then says "oh we can get you some help with baby sitters or nursery" then that's on him to sort and pay for.

Yep.

Not emotional. Just pure unadulterated facts.

He is being a complete twat and he knows it. Hold him accountable

My OH started IRONMAN when my 3 kids were under 3. It was awful. I'm sorry but your husband like mine is selfish and crappy.
It's impossible to deal with as they think they're keeping fit and relieving stress or some such BS.

I did two things.
I created a life for me and my kids he wasn't part of we went out and had fun without him.
Then
Occasionally I just left for the day with very little warning and switched my phone off so he had the kids.

When the kids got a little older they had very little interest in him and he suddenly noticed and this upset him.
I would also organise fun things he wasn't invited to so he would come back from training at say 2 expecting us to be there and we weren't. I stopped working around his endless bloody training.

Slowly he reduced his events and the proxy training. Now I would say he is an exceptional father. But for about four years it was bloody awful.
But I would say he went down in my estimation and has never really recovered.