Not sure if this should be in parenting or relationships.
Looking for advice from both sides on whether my husbands new ultra running hobby is reasonable with 2 young kids!
Dh and I have a 2 and 4 year old. We have many problems but this one is killing me. He took up running which quickly turned to ultra running last year when our kids were 1 and 3. There was no discussion when he signed up to his first race, which required intense training routine of at least 3 mornings a week, a half day a weekend, increasing to 3-4 and 5-7 hour runs over both weekend days nearer the race. I work part time so already have both kids 2 days a week. So I did feel quite frustrated that he had signed up to such large commitment just expecting it to be all OK without discussing first.
For background, I was on and off work with pnd and now depression resulting in my now taking a year off, and going back on the meds as nothing as I'm still really struggling. Our kids are a handful, they fight constantly and talk/whine/shriek from the moment they wake up till they're finally asleep. It is INSANE. I'm so overwhelmed with it and now that I'm not working the household tasks fall 95% to me as well.
So we discussed it and I told him how much I was struggling with his training and the kids and all the extra household stuff. He can't see that it affects anything, but with his training and working, some late nights and weekend, he's burning the candle at both ends and is obviously very tired, which means grumpy, and he does less household tasks cause he's either too tired or not here.
After his first race I had a few blissful weeks of him being around more and having extra hands with kids and house, and we could have days out together. Then he brought up wanting to do another race a few months later. He convinced me that it did make sense that he do it while his fitness was still up rather than starting again next year, as I really couldn't face another full training plan. I said explicitly that of course he doesn't have to give up running (which is what he hears) I'm saying absolutely run, it's good for your mental and physical health but please I cannot do the extra solo parenting/household for another huge run next year. So he got to do that run and we said he would just do smaller races for a while.
He ran that second ultra race last weekend and the next day starts talking about what's next, to which I laughed thinking he was joking. He said he was being serious, I said I don't want to talk about this right now, I'm just enjoying having 2 parents:2 children today and we've spoke about it before at length. To which he replied that he's absolutely perplexed, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He asks if that's it? If he's not allowed to run ever again now? And then says he's signing up to one anyway. Says he doesn't remember our conversation at all. And is now sulking and things are tense in the house.
So basically it feels like a stab to the heart - one, it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders the day after knowing he'd be around more and less tired/grumpy, and second that even after several heart to heart conversations, I just can't trust him emotionally because he does what he wants anyway.
This is obviously all my perspective but I'm not sure if he's gaslighting me? AIBU? Is there a compromise? How do I feel less emotionally ignored? Obviously parents have hobbies but how do they manage it while not being at the detriment to the other that's struggling??
(For background this is the second time something similar has happened, when our oldest was about 6 months, he golfed every Sunday, I was so overwhelmed with a baby who didn't sleep more than 45 mins at a time day or night, had reflux and allergies and begged him not to golf every weekend as I couldn't do a 6 day week with baby. To which he replied that he was the one out working hard all week, bringing in the money, and that he could do what he wants at the weekend. The money thing isn't even true as I had good mat pay, I pointed this out and that I also have baby all week and all nights and begged him for a comprise of golf less weekends, but he still went every weekend. This is when I kind of checked out of the relationship. Oh he did suggest that I have Saturday and that he has Sunday, but I tried to explain that it was more about having 2 parents at the same time to parent and do the household chores etc. A day off his great but then I'd still need to do all the tasks and would still be 6 days.)