Are my husbands hobby time reasonable with 2 young kids?

[OneCandidScroller]

Not sure if this should be in parenting or relationships.

Looking for advice from both sides on whether my husbands new ultra running hobby is reasonable with 2 young kids!

Dh and I have a 2 and 4 year old. We have many problems but this one is killing me. He took up running which quickly turned to ultra running last year when our kids were 1 and 3. There was no discussion when he signed up to his first race, which required intense training routine of at least 3 mornings a week, a half day a weekend, increasing to 3-4 and 5-7 hour runs over both weekend days nearer the race. I work part time so already have both kids 2 days a week. So I did feel quite frustrated that he had signed up to such large commitment just expecting it to be all OK without discussing first.

For background, I was on and off work with pnd and now depression resulting in my now taking a year off, and going back on the meds as nothing as I'm still really struggling. Our kids are a handful, they fight constantly and talk/whine/shriek from the moment they wake up till they're finally asleep. It is INSANE. I'm so overwhelmed with it and now that I'm not working the household tasks fall 95% to me as well.

So we discussed it and I told him how much I was struggling with his training and the kids and all the extra household stuff. He can't see that it affects anything, but with his training and working, some late nights and weekend, he's burning the candle at both ends and is obviously very tired, which means grumpy, and he does less household tasks cause he's either too tired or not here.

After his first race I had a few blissful weeks of him being around more and having extra hands with kids and house, and we could have days out together. Then he brought up wanting to do another race a few months later. He convinced me that it did make sense that he do it while his fitness was still up rather than starting again next year, as I really couldn't face another full training plan. I said explicitly that of course he doesn't have to give up running (which is what he hears) I'm saying absolutely run, it's good for your mental and physical health but please I cannot do the extra solo parenting/household for another huge run next year. So he got to do that run and we said he would just do smaller races for a while.

He ran that second ultra race last weekend and the next day starts talking about what's next, to which I laughed thinking he was joking. He said he was being serious, I said I don't want to talk about this right now, I'm just enjoying having 2 parents:2 children today and we've spoke about it before at length. To which he replied that he's absolutely perplexed, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He asks if that's it? If he's not allowed to run ever again now? And then says he's signing up to one anyway. Says he doesn't remember our conversation at all. And is now sulking and things are tense in the house.

So basically it feels like a stab to the heart - one, it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders the day after knowing he'd be around more and less tired/grumpy, and second that even after several heart to heart conversations, I just can't trust him emotionally because he does what he wants anyway.

This is obviously all my perspective but I'm not sure if he's gaslighting me? AIBU? Is there a compromise? How do I feel less emotionally ignored? Obviously parents have hobbies but how do they manage it while not being at the detriment to the other that's struggling??

(For background this is the second time something similar has happened, when our oldest was about 6 months, he golfed every Sunday, I was so overwhelmed with a baby who didn't sleep more than 45 mins at a time day or night, had reflux and allergies and begged him not to golf every weekend as I couldn't do a 6 day week with baby. To which he replied that he was the one out working hard all week, bringing in the money, and that he could do what he wants at the weekend. The money thing isn't even true as I had good mat pay, I pointed this out and that I also have baby all week and all nights and begged him for a comprise of golf less weekends, but he still went every weekend. This is when I kind of checked out of the relationship. Oh he did suggest that I have Saturday and that he has Sunday, but I tried to explain that it was more about having 2 parents at the same time to parent and do the household chores etc. A day off his great but then I'd still need to do all the tasks and would still be 6 days.)

He's not being reasonable
My male friend does the ninja warrior outdoor type stuff as well as runs etc
He gets up early (before the children) to do 45 min spin bike, then fits a workout in his lunch at work. At night (after children in bed) he does another 45 min spin bike or a run

If he wants to do a long run he's up at 3/4am

On weekends he will run while they cycle with him or he will have the DC while his wife plays hockey/netball/runs and then they swap over

He's managed to lose 7 stone doing this, and win most of his races as well as have a FT job and not skive with parenting

I think you need to decide what you’re happy with - how many hours per week and tell him that and that you need the same amount of time out the house. DH and I do this and it brings it home to him what it’s like. I run 3 times a week with a 3 and 5 year old and I accept that’s more than enough when balancing with us both having time for hobbies

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think the worst thing is your husband knows you've been struggling with your mental health and he's still putting himself first to your detriment. He sounds like a shit husband, father and person.

I’d ask him to sit down and nut out the parenting and chore split, and he can move into another bedroom so he is used to cleaning his own stuff, and I don’t have to clean up after him. And tell him you’re getting into training for being a single mum because like fuck are you going to keep being a single mum with a partner who when asked to parent his own children does a toddler sad face and says oh so i can never run again?!?

I wouldn't be with anyone who put themselves over our two babies.

Which is what he is doing.

Funny how some men take up essential time consuming hobbies when babies turn up.

So he is prioritising his goals / hobby over your health and parenting. Nasty.

would do everything you can to recover your health and increase your personal earnings because your H is untrustworthy.

Hes being very unreasonable.

It's fine for him to have a hobby and I think it's fine for that hobby to take up 3 mornings a week and the odd weekend. I also think you should also be able to have a hobby with a similar commitment. I also think if it's important to him facilitating the occasional big run that he trains for and has a higher commitment for us fine aslong as he massively picks up the slack afterwards and appreciates what you are doing and aslong as you also get the option of doing that for your own hobby sometime.

But every single weekend like this? Back to back marathon after marathon. No absolutely not. Not while the kids are this small for sure.

Thank you for all the replies, I feel better after a vent and some validation, some similar stories and some good ideas!

I will reply properly after kids bedtime..

Ask him if he knows how many hours he spends at his job and how many hours of hobby time he has every week.

Ask him if he knows how many hours you spend at your job (looking after the dc, cleaning, housework, cooking and sleepless nights), and how many hours of hobby time you have every week.

Then ask him if he thinks that is fair.

This.

My friend is a triathlete and has a double running buggy. If both kids don't want to go she puts a giant sack of dog food in the second seat.

To answer the first paragraph of your comment:
Because they were stupid and immature enough
to decide to have children, where you obviously have to give up your entire self, willingly and with enthusiasm.
No thanks.

To which he replied that he was the one out working hard all week, bringing in the money, and that he could do what he wants at the weekend

Who the actual fuck does he think he is? Total prick.

He’s a selfish, lazy fucker

Interesting.

DH took up marathon running when our kids were babies. Fine I said. But it can’t impact our family time. When he did the Paris marathon we went to Disney as part of the trip. When he did Berlin- we all went too and had a brilliant time. DH did most of his training evenings or very early mornings at the weekend and I mean early.

The way your DH does it is selfish and shit and I would not stand for it.

I also have a semi serious hobby that I started 6m post partum as a maternity Pilates instructor. I made sure that that pursuit was on an even pegging as the running. it took up some weekends and evenings and we worked out it. It did sharpen his mind as to what it takes to be a present parent with the full responsibility of keeping the kids alive and the house straight.

I run marathons but a) I have teenagers b) DH cycles so we have equal training time and c) if I have a long run / DH has a long cycle to do, we are out of the house by 6am latest. If your H us going to have this as a hobby, he really needs to organise himself properly - after all EOW care for his 2 dc will really limit his training.

That is not a partnership.

He's unreasonable.

I live in a part of London where lots of people have running and cycling hobbies.

I always thought it was funny when I moved here who was out in the early morning like at 5-6am running and cycling - it was very few men. They were out much later in the day but not in the evening.

Since WFH has become more common there are now more equal numbers of men and women out early and late plus more men doing the nursery/childminder/shool run.

If he wants to do his ultra running then he's going to have to share his training schedule, get up very early to do his training, do stuff with his kids on his own starting the latest an hour after he returns and go to bed early. That means you can have a 1-3 hours away from the kids after his long runs.

Your kids have a right to have their own relationship with their dad and by being absent by training he's preventing this.

Btw one of my brothers is into cycling and he did this. It meant he could not do training rides with his club mates when his kids were young but he later found their timings annoying anyway. Oh my brother is still married and his wife has also taken up cycling.

I agree it's massively unreasonable but he did show you what he was like when he did the golf and you had 1DC.

Now obviously you can't send the second one back! But what discussions did you have about number 2 since he was absent with number 1? I'm not sure there's a solution as your H sounds selfish and no doubt he'll continue with hobbies until the DC are easier at the weekend.

I empathise as this is one of the reasons I only had 1 child. H was so keen for another but I knew I couldn't trust him to keep his word and of course once you have 2 then you have to suck it up and deal with it despite his broken promises.

Would getting angry and threatening a divorce have any effect? He might consider that he'll end up parenting on his own if you end the relationship.

It's far to much when you have kids. All parents are entitled to hobbies and time out but that should not come at the expense of the other partner or kids. I work out at the gym 4 times a week. Normally in school hours but i have to in the evenings in school holidays. DH can go later if he wants (he doesn't bother but that's another story lol). He holds but takes DC1 with him though it's only here and there. He did run a marathon when DC1 was a a toddler. Training was far to much time as we both worked and I became the default parent and did everything. I was less than happy and said absolutely not. If he wanted to run a could of times a week for an hour or so that's not an issue but to expect me to have no free time to facilitate his hobby and DC1 to not see him much was not on. He hasn't done any marathons since.

Tell him you're ending the marriage and assume he'll be OK with co-parenting 50/50, meaning you get some free time.

Mine ran an amateur sports club. The sports itself took a lot of time but the paperwork, meetings and organising took hours too.

Within the first six months of having our baby he left the club to give back his free time as it wasn’t ok to spend so much freetime elsewhere. He’s back at it again now that the baby became a sporty kid that could go with him.

It’s because he values sport, competing with other men, getting praise for his efforts etc none of which he would get with childcare

you need to have a clear, business like talk about it setting out what you think is reasonable and what isn’t. Tell him the alternative is a trial separation and he has the kids every other weekend. Not sure else it will change

I think he needs to scale back massively.

It's ok to have a hobby as a parent, but not one that takes up so much time (& money for food and travel)
I'd ask him to scale right back and/ or incorporate children into his training schedule. For example get a running buggy, make a time table that has hobby time for both of you. Set a maximum time limit that is acceptable eg: 3 hours per week!
Also, as DC get older, they will want to pursue their own hobbies, that will once again impact on your time.

My personal opinion, time consuming hobbies and young children don't mix.

By the time you say you’ve begged him to be around more, and he’s basically told you as the wage earner he can do what he wants, I’m not sure what you can do.

Basically because if you go off and do your own hobbies, what’s the point? You’ll barely see each other.
it sounds like he’s checked out - his hobbies are clearly more important to him than being with his family. And sorry to mention this, but could he be cheating?

My DH was largely absent when the DC were younger. Workaholic and interests. However he had no beef about us having equal leisure time and paying for the cleaner and an au-pair or a day or two of nursery from age 2 to facilitate it. If your dh doesn't see that he's unreasonable.

Lots of people criticised him despite it but I never minded and there have been other rewards.