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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how did i end up

27 replies

humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:07

how did i end up married to an emotionally abusive nasty man?
just how
how did i not see the signs
how did i get so blind sided
he swears me, is nasty to me, points at me shouts at me and stares at me with eyes of a psychopath
why and how

OP posts:
TransformerZ · 10/08/2024 22:10

Can you leave him?
Do you want to?

Crap parents made you feel bad so you settled for this rubbish person?

Pantaloons99 · 10/08/2024 22:10

Are you planning to leave him? Is that an option?

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:18

i don’t want to leave it’s not really an easy option and i don’t have my cards in order
maybe in the future when i have abit more stability
i have a small child
hes threatening that he’s gonna call my parents or his parents and tell them how i’m unhappy and being horrible to him and have issues
i’ve begged him to not involve our families but he always says it to me all the time and then. have to beg and plead for him not to

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 10/08/2024 22:20

It doesn't sound as though he wants the marriage to continue. Just get out.

Greengrasswalks · 10/08/2024 22:20

Shitty parents who modelled toxic behaviour?

A lot of us have been there. There’s light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Make your Exit Plan.

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:21

i really don’t like him though
i’m so hurt with how he makes me feel and has no regard
hes not once shown me how id expect my husband to behave or react never once stayed calm in an argument
always has to be ever so rude and dismissive and blackmail with threats of telling the whole family

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 10/08/2024 22:23

He threatens you with it because he knows it's effective, he gets control and for you to beg and plead.

So you get in and tell them first.
You'll (hopefully, if they're decent people & you have good relationships with them) get more support from them (at least your family).
You get to control the narrative of what and how they're told.
He can't use it as a threat anymore.
And people know how's he's behaving to you, so any lies he makes up later are less likely to be believed - unfortunately people do tend to believe the first story they're given.

And if you can get family support, maybe you can find it easier to leave...

Greengrasswalks · 10/08/2024 22:29

You need to expose him by telling the whole family that he treats you badly.
Do you think your family will help you to leave him? Can you leave and stay with them now?

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:30

thank you
he never tells them and acts like he’s done me a massive favour
then is normal for two weeks
then i’ll do it say something he doesn’t like and then off he goes berating and swearing me. If i cry the bashing worsens, if i answer back, his voice gets louder and louder. He says it’s my fault, he’s not done anything wrong and i’m over reacting. How can it be he’s never have done anything wrong? He’s never apologised.
need to just stay silent but emotions get the better of me

Leaving just seems too hard. I live away from my life. We recently moved to a new city and only know each other.

OP posts:
Greytulips · 10/08/2024 22:33

Do you really think your friends and family don’t know?
They know.
They see the signs you think you’re hiding.
Nobody is that good!

Stop living a lie and start telling the truth.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 10/08/2024 22:35

Him saying he will tell your family is a power play. So tell them first or call him out and say okay get them on loud speaker and let’s have this out.

He is swearing at you and berating you, that’s not okay or masculine at all if he thinks it is. Wait until things calm down and then say you swearing, shouting and being berating isn’t going to resolve things. It’s poor communication.

Ultimately though this does sound quite toxic and if you can you should probably get out.

Greengrasswalks · 10/08/2024 22:38

Ask friends and/or family to send you some money so you can pack a couple of bags and leave ASAP.

If that is not an option, can you secretly save money so you can leave soon?

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:47

i’m in some delusion that’s he’s gonna change
and that he won’t be this toxic
is that possible

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 10/08/2024 22:48

You've got to get out of this situation. Secret bank account and start saving money.
Tell your family. Tell them the truth. I wouldn't tell anyone you're planning to leave - if you do.
This won't get better and he won't suddenly stop being an abuser. I'd be weary of his parents too btw. It absolutely is not always the case but I wonder how many abusive men like this have enabling parents

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2024 22:51

You should be asking why you are staying. Anyone can be hoodwinked. But now you know. You know clearly. You've just told us. So staying...just makes you an idiot really, doesn't it? Now I'm not saying you don't have reasons. I saying there is no reason good enough to stay with a psychopath. Right?

Start taking steps to get out.
Go. Seriously.

Greengrasswalks · 10/08/2024 22:57

humble12 · 10/08/2024 22:47

i’m in some delusion that’s he’s gonna change
and that he won’t be this toxic
is that possible

No, unfortunately not.

What country are you in?

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 23:05

i’m in uk, england
grew up in london now moved to a different r city because of his work

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 10/08/2024 23:08

Is this cultural? Just asking because of the threat of involving the family.

Original poster
humble12 · 10/08/2024 23:13

not cultural
but i just don’t feel ready for all of this to come out
just living in denial
i know once they find out i can’t
always dreamed of giving my child a happy home with both parents

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 11/08/2024 02:30

I’d confide in your parents in the first instance and tell them how it is. Start recording his rants so that you have evidence.
You say you want to give your child a happy home? He/she will grow up as terrified as you if you stay . Please tell your family the truth and let them help you

Heretotalk1207538 · 11/08/2024 02:33

Its narcisstic behaviour they are always so sweet in the beginning to get u in then their true colours show. Dont beat yourself up ur true to ur word genuine and want to trust in someone thats normal..hes manipulated that

GoldOrca · 11/08/2024 02:45

I had one of these. I left him 4 months after we got married. I was worried about judgment too but everyone was so supportive and all of his threats that nobody would believe me turned out to be false. His friends ended up seeing him for who he was and he was left with nothing.

You need to leave. I know it's hard, I've been there. But I was happier penniless and alone than with him. You can do it.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 11/08/2024 02:59

your child is not growing up in a happy home. it's a toxic and unsafe home.
please speak to your family.