How to navigate peri with an oblivious partner

[periat45orsomethingelse]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a lovely guy. More recently, I have found myself questioning if I would be happier alone, despite the fact he is actually pretty nice to me and we have a good relationship! Most of this is down to the feeling of just wanting to be alone as sometimes I find him so bloody irritating.

I have been feeling literally incandescent with rage over the last few months, about anything and everything. The man asking to see my train ticket, any slight noise, my dp talking over the TV and today (the reason why it has clicked this may actually not be ‘normal) an announcement at the train station which actually had nothing to do with my train but somehow made me murderous 😂

Although my periods are still regular, I’m thinking perhaps I am in peri and should see the GP to think about HRT.

Before I up and leave because of the constant irritation I feel, just wanted other experience of peri/menopause in relation to rage/irritation. Is this a normal symptom, and if so how did others navigate it with their partner? He’s not the most empathetic of men so probably would not understand if it’s hormonal but I probably shouldn’t feel so incensed with rage when he tells me to park in a certain position or insists we walk round the supermarket a certain way etc etc.

How did you all remain out of prison get on with your partner at this stage or your life - or is it just a symptom of getting older?

Maybe he's just irritating!

The train announcer?

I mean she was pretty fucking irritating, it was Jessica Ennis Hill and something about the novelty of it made me want to scream

To be honest, I was the same. Just literally felt on edge at all times. Hrt has helped, and whilst sympathetic, he didn't quite get it, till I exploded into tears one morning, sobbing ' I just want to feel normal and how I used to feel!, and then verbal diarrhoead everything from my loss of libido, to continuous irritation, to lack of sleep and energy etc etc etc. Hrt has partly helped, Im not as grumpy for the most part now, but I think I still have a bit to go. I'm still having periods every now and then and boy do they suck!

Communication is key I suppose, both with partner and GP. Also talk to other people too, I hadn't realised that testosterone could maybe help with libido, that kind of thing.

This was my worst symptom (so far, as I'm only 41), but everything irritated me. I've been on hrt since April and feel so much calmer.

Lord, get yourself some HRT. I had The Rage too, I’m face that’s one peri symptom that’s gone completely.

Ah thanks ladies, makes me feel better that I’m not loosing the plot!
So in terms of HRT how do you find out which one to have, or do they work that out from your blood work?

I have phases of feeling beyond irritated at DH.

Him just being near me in the same room and he could be literally just sat there reading and I want to throw a brick at him🤯😬

The rage, tbh it’s exhausting being so annoyed about basically nothing!

Get the hrt. If be surprised if the rage was your only symptom. My family are extremely annoying and insensitive without hrt...

And that’s the strange thing - I can see when I look at it rationally that it’s ridiculous to be annoyed that the person on the train is sitting with their leg over the aisle or whatever it is that I find unbearable.

I guess I don’t want to throw away my relationship just because I shouldn’t feel so enraged at something. Perhaps when I go on HRT I will think more rationally but he will still annoy the absolute shit out of me and I’ll realise it’s him, not me 😂

So I’m not really sure what to expect symptom wise, the obvious one is hot flushes which I don’t have at all - if anything I’m freezing all the time.
Ive out on weight round the tummy and my joints in my hands always hurt, I’m also always exhausted,maybe that’s a symptom ?

If it's that bad you may loose a perfectly good partner because of it. Or, you can carry on and spend most of your time angry!

The might start you off on oestrogel + progesterone.

I probably shouldn’t feel so incensed with rage when he tells me to park in a certain position or insists we walk round the supermarket a certain way etc etc.

Yes you should - they sound like controlling behaviours. You're just losing your tolerance for being controlled by men as you get older.

Rage was my worst symptom in perimenopause. I wish so much that I had got HRT at that stage. I also started to have dreadful anxiety and panic attacks and tried to manage it by taking supplements. Once I started HRT ( after 6 years of hell) all my symptoms left me, like a miracle.

Rage is a very normal symptom.

There’s definitely an element of that - I’m not so ‘cooperative’ as I get older.

He’s definitely neurodiverse, although won’t ever accept that, but that’s not my issue. He gets very angry if I walk back down an aisle we have already been down, as we are not walking in sequence around the shop. I have very little time for this kind of crap, and maybe the HRT will let me see the wood for the trees.

I just know it’s not okay to feel such an overwhelming sense of rage at the slightest thing and I guess that was what I was trying to ascertain, if this was just part of peri

Now you mention it - the anxiety is there, I wake up in the middle of the night convinced someone will break in and hurt me. Totally irrational but actually makes sense that it’s hormones causing this

I stopped drinking wine because I thought it was that making me wake up in the night with the fear, but good news I just needed some hrt and can drink wine again!

Well this sounds like all the excuse I need to get to the GP 😂

I only put 2 and 2 together today, I had a pretty awful relationship prior to this one, I haven’t spoken or seen the guy for 4 years but recently I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night terrified he’s going to kill me. He doesn’t know where I live or work so it’s totally irrational and he hasn’t crossed my mind for a couple of years. I thought I was losing the plot but hearing this anxiety could be a symptom of peri has somehow put my mind at rest

during different stages of my cycle my moods are so noticeably different. Do you track your cycle? Perhaps start so you can start to see any patterns.

I take a natural female hormone balancer every morning along with vitamins and they’ve worked a treat for me. I’m late thirties so not sure if it’s quite peri yet or not. My periods are still like clockwork. Perhaps the step before full HRT. I also try and eat, sleep and exercise correctly. Just do everything I can to stabilise my body. I also thought drinking alcohol made me an anxious mess, but now I’m on top of it all I can still enjoy a drink without feeling like I need to hide away for 3 days after!

I also communicate with my partner about where I am in my cycle, we laugh about how powerful hormones are, but he’s super understanding about which week of the month I’m less tolerant!

@Figuringitout24 which natural female hormone balancer do you take? I'm 42 and rage is also my biggest peri symptom. On the cusp of asking for HRT.

It's probably peri, and getting started on HRT can be useful, but it might also be worth getting blood tests so you get the below factors checked, as they can have similar (& vague) symptoms and are easier to fix, plus if they're not the issue, it makes it more likely that it is HRT that's needed (elimination diagnosis).

• Thyroid function
• iron & ferritin levels
• vitamin B12
• full blood count
• hemoglobin A1C.

Thanks everyone for your replies - really helpful.

Id be interested in knowing which natural supplement is effective before HRT, but equally I think I need to get this looked at before it really affects other areas of my life.

It is an absolute nightmare getting GP appointment as you can’t book in advance but I guess I’ll just have to keep trying and hopefully get a female GP who perhaps is a little more understanding.

The blood works is a good idea as does rule other things out, I guess I just want to feel ‘normal’ again and not so exhausted/lividly angry at everything 😂 my finger joints have also become very painful and I think this is a symptom of peri so I’ll mention it all to the GP and see what they think.

Please ask your surgery who has up to date training for menopause. Some doctors are not well informed. I had terrible anxiety from 43 and was put on sertraline. It helped yes but it was due to peri. When I later started to get night sweats I went on HRT. Anxiety then massively improved and I have come off sertraline.
My husband actually recognised it was peri before me. Don’t be fobbed off like I was.

I don’t know if I’m an oddity but after being on HRT for 3-4 years and still experiencing full on rage but with hot flushes and insomnia (my main symptoms) under control, I went to my doctor about lack of libido and was prescribed testosterone. Given what testosterone does to men, I would have expected more rage but I’ve found the opposite - I’m much much calmer and clear headed. Whether this is because my rage was triggered by frustration and anxiety over brain fog, I don’t know, but I have been so much better now that I’ve got my hormones balanced. I do have to have a testosterone test every six months to check that I’m still within recommended levels.

If you do decide to go down the HRT route, do ask that they test your testosterone levels too and see whether this is an issue for you. Good luck!

Thanks for the really great advice. I’ll pop across to the menopause forum now to get some idea of HRT as have totally no idea of the options or what I should be looking for. Otherwise my GP will probably just tell me the generic stuff/try put me on anti depressants or something 🙄

I have no hot flushes/night sweats currently so it really is just the rage/sleep disturbance/feeling exhausted and aching joints.

I’ve heard a lot about testosterone in women and it’s benefits so definitely something I’ll research