Struggling to forgive

[Missjames12]

Around a week ago my toddler was using my partners work iPad to play a game. She bought it to me as she had managed to press too many buttons and ended up on the messages function (linked to work phone).

For whatever reason I decided to scroll down and be a little nosey and came across a message from an unsaved number dated back to March in the early hours of the morning. It was 2 messages asking "where are you lot?" "are you all tucked up in bed now!" with no replies from the number.

I confronted my partner and he explained it was after a night out with work colleagues, his friend had been speaking to a woman all night and then he had been trying to get her to meet him at the hotel afterwards and my partner said he had been roped into helping.

I messaged the number to ask the woman politely if she remembered what happened on the night and what was said etc. She said the friends had been chatting which left her and my partner talking for a while, she said it had just been a jokey evening and nothing happened and he didn't make any kind of advance on her beyond chatting joking around as they were left alone.

While my partner was telling the truth, and the story has been corroborated by the woman. I still feel hugely betrayed, talking in a bar because you've been left with someone is one thing but I don't understand the need to exchange numbers.

Can I have some opinions on this please as I'm struggling to forgive and forget.

Good grief that’s an extreme reaction here op. Very unhealthy. And very controlling. Is there a back story in terms of why you behave like this?

@seriesoffortunateevents is it an extreme reaction? I found that my partner had taken someone's phone number on a night out. Surely I'm a little entitled to feel betrayed? How do you deem me to be controlling here?

I'm with you, I'd be questioning the intent there, even if it was just for attention it's a red flag for me.

You’re not controlling and that story doesn’t add up? Who was the woman? The one his friend was trying to get to go to a hotel with him? Or the one left talking to your husband? Totally confused. And yeah I’d be pissed off too if my husband had a message from a woman asking where was he? What time was the message? All sounds dodgy as fk tbh

Although reading it again it looks like he was probs just trying to hook his friend up, still not something your partner needs to be getting involved in. I'd be more thinking he was an immature twat than anything

The messages were from him to woman he was left talking to. He said his friend asked him to message to try and get the one he was talking with to meet him.

My issues here are the fact they exchanged numbers, and then what woild he have done if she replied and they did turn up at the hotel?

The initial conversation seems to have been fairly innocent and that's fine, I've been in that situation before "wing woman" etc, but it's the events afterwards that have left me feeling unhappy.

It wasn’t him who was into her, he’s allowed to talk to women surely? How is it a betrayal, he wasn’t cracking on to her, his mate was.

Agree helping his friend get hooked up v immature and I don’t think you’re being controlling- when is it ever necessary to exchange phone numbers with a random person you’ve talked to when you’re out?

But I think something made you scroll down his messages… that spidey thing maybe

Why is that immature?

Really can't see what he's done wrong here. You on the other hand have invaded his privacy massively by nosing through his messages.

Edit: OK, re read and exchanging numbers might be considered a little bit dodgy, but given that the number isnt saved in his phone it sounds far more likely his friend got her number rather than your husband.

@Bobbotgegrinch @seriesoffortunateevents if you're in a relationship/married would you take someone's number on a night out?

Sure, if nothing behind it , why wouldn’t I in this context ?

Your husband probably hasn't taken her number though. If he had it would be saved in his phone. Sounds more like the mate had it and he's then used it to text.

Absolutely agree with @Bobbotgegrinch

I have lots of different males number in my phone. I'm sleeping with one of them. I'm sure my partners the same

Surely folk can be trusted to have conversations without any body-fluid exchange potential

And I’m shocked you even contacted her to ask, he’s allowed to talk to women, he exchanged numbers for a reason, he wasn’t cracking on to her. If my husband behaved as you did, I would be furious, and if he did it a second time he’d not be my husband

Yes of course I would. For all kinds of reasons. Then again if my husband invaded my privacy like you have I would definitely lose my shit. I would be far angrier than if he took some woman's number that he clearly doesn't have any interest in !

Thanks for your perspectives. I did state above that I have no issue with the talking to women, I've been in similar situations etc

Why didn't he tell you about it in March?

I don’t know Op, you know your dh.
It looks pretty harmless to me based on your post.

Why did he need to? Do you tell your partner about absolutely every human interaction you have?

Why would he need to, he’s not out on bail, she’s not his mum or his parole officer.

So if your husband checked your messages, saw something as inncocent as the op saw, then contacted the bloke you spoke to, asked for a run down of what happened and then decided you could not be forgiven for something completely innocent, you’d be yeah all good, love being treated like this.

not controlling my arse, it’s controlling and jealous behaviour. The blokes done nothing wrong, the op on the other hand is so far over the line she’s lost sight of it.

Your married husband should NOT be asking other women for their phone numbers. What is his reasoning that he needed her number? I think your right OP this is the type of behaviour that leads to a lack of trust is that the type of marriage he wants ?

Talking to women and asking for their phone number are two different things. You don't need to be the "cool" wife if he's hurt your feeling and made you feel insecure that's on him. How is he trying to reassure you it's innocent ?

@seriesoffortunateevents my partner sent messages ar 3am to a woman he met on a night out asking where she was and if she was tucked up in bed.

To me personally this crosses the line of respecting me as his partner, you may not agree and that's absolutely fine. Thank you for your contributions and I hope you have a nice weekend.