Struggling to forgive

[Missjames12]

Around a week ago my toddler was using my partners work iPad to play a game. She bought it to me as she had managed to press too many buttons and ended up on the messages function (linked to work phone).

For whatever reason I decided to scroll down and be a little nosey and came across a message from an unsaved number dated back to March in the early hours of the morning. It was 2 messages asking "where are you lot?" "are you all tucked up in bed now!" with no replies from the number.

I confronted my partner and he explained it was after a night out with work colleagues, his friend had been speaking to a woman all night and then he had been trying to get her to meet him at the hotel afterwards and my partner said he had been roped into helping.

I messaged the number to ask the woman politely if she remembered what happened on the night and what was said etc. She said the friends had been chatting which left her and my partner talking for a while, she said it had just been a jokey evening and nothing happened and he didn't make any kind of advance on her beyond chatting joking around as they were left alone.

While my partner was telling the truth, and the story has been corroborated by the woman. I still feel hugely betrayed, talking in a bar because you've been left with someone is one thing but I don't understand the need to exchange numbers.

Can I have some opinions on this please as I'm struggling to forgive and forget.

No he didn’t, he said where are you all, are you all in bed. Not where are you are you in bed.

not controlling my arse,

@seriesoffortunateevents Need some Tums?

It does sound fairly innocent…. The messages and lack of response also corroborating that. BUT I’m in agreement about the swapping of numbers with women on nights out being unacceptable.
I think you need to really sit down with DH and make it clear how and why this hurts you. Would he be okay with you taking a guys number in the same situation? What was he hoping for from her reply?
This needs to be a new boundary in your relationship. Not enough people discuss the specifics of what is or isn’t acceptable in a relationship. Even definitions of “cheating” vary and I think people need to delve more into where EXACTLY their boundaries lie.
Is it worth breaking up your family for? I don’t think so. But is it something to take seriously and work through together, yes.

This would cross boundaries in my relationship.
You gut is obviously telling you,you feel unsafe. There is really no need to swap numbers or to message another woman I assume his friend is a fully grown man who can pursue contact on his own. This kind of thing my husband would tell me straight away to save any confusion in the future no that its something he would typically do anyway. Do you feel he should of told you in March? Or is it that he entertained it at all is the issue?

Maybe sit down and re affirm boundaries with your partner like a previous poster has suggested. Very specific with real life examples.
Your partner can either accept those boundaries, compromise if both are happy. Or leave the relationship.

In my relationship all devices are open policy not that they get searched but neither of us would be bothered at all if the other went on anything. That's something we have agreed on. Everyone is free to decide what the boundaries are in their relationship so don't feel you've made this sin of invading privacy if infact your partner doesn't care at all. This is something only you can discuss with your partner. On here others will have a varying degrees of crossed lines that only apply to them and their relationships. Thus not helpful for you in yours.

You gut is obviously telling you,you feel unsafe

I don’t understand people who seem to genuinely think this. Like paranoia, jealousy, low self esteem doesn’t exist. That if your gut tells you it’s always right.

I thought most people knew it was far from that simplistic. But it seems some people think it is. Clearly this man simply talked to a woman when out, his mate was into her, he was left alone. Couldn’t get anyone. So texted her and said where are you lot, but for some posters even that’s not allowed.

personally I find that really concerning and wouldn’t wish to be with someone struggling like that, but it appears it’s not uncommon,

OP. Please ignore @seriesoffortunateevents She doesn't sound like she should be in a relationship never mind giving advise to others. Im sorry you are so upset and you ate totally justified your married husband gave his number to a random woman snd was disrespectful of you and your feelings that is not how a married man should behave. Is he remorseful and recognising how wrong he was and what is he doing to assist/help you with your journey to forgiving him.

🙄 yes ignore me and listen to you only. As you’re the queen. She’s in a shit relationship,you’re right,

Thank you for all the advice given throughout the day. My partner isn't upset that I looked at his messages, we don't have the kind of relationship where everything is padlocked and password protected. He's not angry and neither would I be if it was the other way around.

Thankfully both he and the woman in the messages were much more understanding and level headed than some of the posters on here, neither called me controlling or out of order.

He is remorseful, he said if it was the other way round he would be upset too. We are planning to sit down this evening when our child is sleeping and discuss things properly to try to draw a line under it all 🙏🏻

Of course you weren’t out of order. Your feelings are your feelings. I find it odd that some commenters find themselves compelled to stay on this thread repeatedly commenting in a negative way towards you, like this is somehow your fault for happening to see a message and asking for an explanation.

OP im happy to hear your husband is remorseful and understands where you are coming from. This is a great start to you both being able to sit down tonight and communicate openly. It might help to both draw some clear boundaries that work for you both. I wish you both all the best and it's great you have an understanding partner who is willing to look at his behaviour and be open with time this will help you forgive. What also may help is looking at his good qualities verses this one "bad" judgement incident. Good Luck

@Schmeckel if the OP is a ‘psycho’ for asking why her partner took a random woman’s number on a night out then text her at 3am, then you’ve got a fairly low bar of ‘psycho’ 😂