Really tired of MIL

[Bohomovies]

I’m so tired of my MIL. I’ve always had problems with her, as she has made it clear from the start (through little comments and digs) that I’m not good enough for her son. I do love my husband though, and we are mostly happy, so I’ve always made the effort to host MIL when she’s come over to stay.
However, I’m now getting very tired of it. She comes to stay every month on average, for about four or five nights, and she’s starting to ask to stay more often. She’s also been on quite a few holidays with us, and she’s now starting to invite herself along on many of our plans. We were invited to a DH’s relatives house recently, and she just invited herself along with us. DH thought it was hilarious that she did this, and he wants her around all the time, but I’m just getting fucking sick of her now. Especially as she has verbally abused me in the past.
I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by allowing her to spend all this time around us, but I did it because I feel that family relations are important. I thought, she won’t be around forever, let them spend time together, but she’s certainly hanging on in there (in her 90s now, and still going strong!).
What would you do? Grit teeth for her last years, or set a boundary and risk a backlash if she dies soon?!

She’s got five. They all seem extremely keen to involve her in absolutely everything. It’s a dynamic that I find rather odd, but she is absolutely head of the family and she always gets her own way.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It does get a bit complicated once they reach this sort of age, doesn’t it? Especially when they lose their filter and say unkind or unacceptable things. It then becomes difficult to know where to draw boundaries.

DH only stays with her very occasionally, but he does visit her a lot. I rarely join him on those visits.

@Bohomovies That's called enmeshment - look it up. A very toxic dynamic

No. It’s his mother, he loves her, and she’s very old.

👏👏👏👏👏🤣

I'd honestly suggest couples counselling. Get it all out in a safe space. Or what about family mediation for the three of you? Scary as but it'll all come out and shared understanding for all is key here.

Is her surname Lear aka Queen Lear? You absolutely need to have the conversation with your DH where you tell him regardless of his siblings joy at hosting their elderly mother, you don't. Agree a maximum amount of time. Tell him that joining you for holidays is not on and if it happens again, you will go home.

They are probably only too delighted to see her disappearing off into the distance with you!

OP,

Nearly 60 so definitely have variations of this.
I feel through friends I have seen every variation of this.

First off, very advanced age does complicate things.
So softly softly is important.
You definitely have a husband problem, BUT, to bear this you need to box clever and you need to focus on what you can do to mitigate this.

I have lots of friends who have very successfully navigate these issues with one huge similar action....they absent themselves in a very calm, direct, non confrontational manner.

YOUR mother is visiting AGAIN, I will take this opportunity to visit X so that you have quality time with her.

I will admit on several occasions my empty home/holiday home was used as X when available, when it was necessary.

Do not be rushed into any action due to your VERY understandable irritation.

You do not want blow back with such an elderly MIL.

My advice...be clever, absent yourself strategically.

@Purplecrush

Thank you. I feel this is wise advice. The last thing I want to do is kick up a fuss at this age/stage (referring to MIL!) and risk having it come back to bite me. I also feel I need to be very careful.

I understand there is a DH problem as far as the enmeshment goes, but that is also a complicated issue. There was a huge tragedy in their family, and I wonder if it has led to this enmeshment and this closeness between the family members that many families would find to be too much.

I’m not sure. I suspect some of the spouses feel this way (although no-one’s said anything), but her children all seem besotted with her.