Really tired of MIL

[Bohomovies]

I’m so tired of my MIL. I’ve always had problems with her, as she has made it clear from the start (through little comments and digs) that I’m not good enough for her son. I do love my husband though, and we are mostly happy, so I’ve always made the effort to host MIL when she’s come over to stay.
However, I’m now getting very tired of it. She comes to stay every month on average, for about four or five nights, and she’s starting to ask to stay more often. She’s also been on quite a few holidays with us, and she’s now starting to invite herself along on many of our plans. We were invited to a DH’s relatives house recently, and she just invited herself along with us. DH thought it was hilarious that she did this, and he wants her around all the time, but I’m just getting fucking sick of her now. Especially as she has verbally abused me in the past.
I’ve probably made a rod for my own back by allowing her to spend all this time around us, but I did it because I feel that family relations are important. I thought, she won’t be around forever, let them spend time together, but she’s certainly hanging on in there (in her 90s now, and still going strong!).
What would you do? Grit teeth for her last years, or set a boundary and risk a backlash if she dies soon?!

I would be getting hubby to pay for a few nights in a hotel for me on a couple of
the stays. It will just reduce the frequency for you but it won’t cause an issue.
you also get some great alone/adventure time. See if he is so keen when he is the sole host.

Yes, that’s basically why she’s got away with so much for so long! She wants to enjoy her last years, and spend as much time as she can with her children. I get it…
Just wish she’d back off a bit though. We are busy enough in life as it is.

Does he know how much her presence annoys you and how its affecting you?
If yes, he's a twat.
If no, you need to tell him.

There was one occasion where I did tell him. That was when she verbally abused me. I was extremely upset about the whole thing.
It’s actually more of a recent thing that I’m starting to lose patience though. I’ve been having a lot of problems, and her being around is an added stressor.

If he’s not going to change then you must.

Find a work cafe or go to the office - get DH to change the sheets and sort out food and cooking - let him run her home / collect her.

Do not put yourself in the caring role: the more he does the less he’ll be willing to do:

Everyone needs their own space to decompress
If you're not able to relax in your own home you'll become ill.
Then you'll be of no use to your children
Will mil look after you?

Why are you defending DH? If it's that obvious, surely he must see her disrespect of you. Send him to hers if he wants to be with her so often. I bet it's you that runs around after her too.

I do the cooking, but he does the beds and the driving.
It’s her company more than anything that is tiring me out. It’s the idea of her imposing on all our trips away that is difficult, too.
And it’s just the hassle!

I'm basing my reply entirely on your opening post @Bohomovies, but you have firstly got a DH problem rather than a MiL problem.
The problem with your DH is that he hasn't put a stop to her regularised visits.
She doesn't sound lonely so I'd be changing things up at home so that she can't visit and stay as long going forwards. Arrange for other friends to come to visit. Even if it's for only one overnight, she would have to curtail her visits for you to be able to refresh the room she is staying in.
Then you have to get your DH on side (sometimes presenting men with visual indicators such as a blocked out calendar or something) by showing him just how frequently his mother is coming and planting herself in your busy lives and by her doing that, you are not able to do X, Y or Z either as individuals or as a family.
The visits need to stop.

Then when you go to visit other family members, perhaps because she won't be imposing as frequently, it won't be as much of an issue when she invites herself along.

I agree get him to go to hers. And go away with your friends.

Yes to this!

It's lovely that he wants to spend some time with his mum in her old age but he can go do it at hers. I also wouldn't be telling her about your trips away or more importantly where you're going.

I love my MIL but honestly I wouldn't be able to cope with her visiting so often.

I would be worried that she will pretty soon be ill when at yours, whether real or pretend, and you might find yourself as her carer under your roof. You won't be the first one this has happened to.

I think you need to put space between you and MIL when she visits. Let your H be in charge of cooking and entertaining her, while you sit back , see friends or spend the night away.
We all have our limits and her staying a few days every month is just too much.

Now that I've gone back to read more, I can see that she's either 90 or in her 90's .

My own mother is in her 90's and has been a widow for some considerable time since my father passed away and has come to really enjoy her own company now. She has also become to a degree less careful about what she says (some terrible comments about religion/race/whatever) that I do pull her up on but she still says them and I back off again. I won't be around her if she continues so we talk about things that are very bland in and don't allow any difficult areas of discussion. She is also quite deaf too which adds its own complexities to situations. That's my situation though but I do have sympathy for you.
That said, I wouldn't be opening my door to my own mother staying with me or would I go on holiday with her. It would be a nightmare!

You need to make it clear to your DH that for every time that he invites his mother to your house, you'll be taking yourself off to a spa hotel for the duration. You're done being disrespected in your home by his mother (and by extension him) so you're removing yourself from the equation.

You have no objection to him going to stay with her though. Does he ever go stay with her?

@Bohomovies how far away does she live that she has to stay with you?? pretty sure that your children are a bit older now and not really in the mood to see granny every couple of weeks. do not tell her your plans when she does stay so she cannot impose/ get your hubby to visit her so she doesnt need to visit and stay at yours. does she visit and stay with all your hubby's siblings or just him?

Sod that, a few nights sleeping in my house once a year at Christmas is enough for me. Why the hell is she sleeping over once a month?
You need to put your foot down and say no.

I couldn’t stand to be in your position OP and I really liked my MIL as she was extremely kind and thoughtful, but sadly she died more than 10yr ago now.

Your MIL should have cut the apron strings herself years ago.
What sort of mother feels ok to be imposing on their married adult children like this? I’m an older person and there’s no way I would be imposing myself on my adult kids and grandkids. She could look at moving into a retirement village if she needs more company. That’s something I’ll be seriously considering myself later on.

Your DH is being unreasonable here expecting you to host his mum so often especially when she’s not making herself useful and not very nice to you either.

Does she stay for days on end at your DH's siblings' homes too. or is it just you that has to put up with it?

Okay, so she is 90+ but that doesn't mean that you have to bend over backwards and tolerate everything, just because she doesn't have many years to go. The very elderly can be just as insufferable as anyone else.

I was wondering that too? Does she ever spend time at home alone or just a constant procession around her children's homes? Your first step is to be honest with your DH.

She does spend time at home alone, but she is probably away the majority of the time, either with us or another of her children’s houses!

Yes, she does stay with other children, and with other relatives. I wonder how everyone else feels about her. I always get the impression they love seeing her, but who knows?!

How many children does she have? Have you spoken to them about how they feel about it?

I agree. It seems like such a cheek. My own parents would never, ever have done this. It’s just an alien concept in my own family, to impose the self onto other people, but DH’s family do seem to stay at each other’s houses a lot.

I think next time she invites herself over I’ll say no. But knowing my luck it’ll be just before she has a fall or something, or drops down dead of a heart attack. Knowing my luck I’ll set boundaries at the worst possible time 😅