Injustice after abandonment in pregnancy

[ExpectantEs]

I’ve posted on here before when I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to keep my baby or to terminate.

Pregnant & left for someone else
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/4959824-pregnant-left-for-someone-else

At the time, my ex didn’t want the baby and he left me for OW. I decided to keep the baby and raise DD as a single mother. She’s here now & she’s the light of my life.

During my pregnancy, he disappeared for the majority of it which was hard. I was also getting the odd report that he had been spotted with OW. At one point he came back and wanted to make it work for the sake of the baby. I declined as he was still actively seeing OW & he didn’t want to break up with her until I confirmed we were getting back together. I did offer if we could take it slow and build trust again before we get back together, but he said now or never. He wanted to be living together before DD was born but this was too soon for me. He took the offer off the table.
It was hard for me to say no, as I did want a family and his abandonment was devastating - but I declined. It felt like he was making me to the pick me dance.

This left us to the conclusion to co-parent. He was very bitter because I didn’t want to get back with him immediately. During the pregnancy he was mean/would disappear. When I gave birth via C section he said he didn’t feel sorry for me because ‘I chose to have the baby’. He also said I’ve ruined his life a million times. Also said nobody will want me now I’m a single mother. Amongst many other horrible things. But to outsiders he’s a proud dad and is parading around town that he’s a new dad.

I had therapy during pregnancy because the heartbreak and devastation of his abandonment was a lot. And also needed help coming to the realisation that I wasn’t going to have the future I imagined for myself. It’s around this time that a lot of my friends are getting married & I thought that would’ve been me.

I’m posting here today because I had a friend over yesterday and feel deflated.

A) Friend seemed to not want to talk about my ex when I was giving updates. Even wanted to change the subject. I really wanted friend to hear my new frustrations and was seeking encouragement. It made me think, are people getting tired of hearing about exDP? It seems like everyone has moved on from what he was done/said to me. He didn’t get any punishment or consequences for his actions. It’s not like I’ve been talking about him for ages - I’m only 8 weeks postpartum. I’m one of those people that need to talk about my feelings often.

B) Whenever he comes to spend time with DD I still have feelings for him. Unbeknownst to everyone. How can I still have feelings for someone that openly hates me and has done so many horrible things. How can I get over him when I see him often?

C) I’m not focusing on dating any time soon as I’m so happy with just me and DD. But it’s not fair how his life has not changed one bit and he’s going on holidays and (I’m assuming) seeing loads of women. So much injustice. I’m just waiting for the day he proposes to someone else.

Guess I’m just writing down my feelings. Sorry that it’s so long. Could still be postpartum hormones too.

A) people are getting fed up; it may not be closure for you but it is for them

B) it's always hard to give up on someone/something you cared for so much. What he is though, isn't what you want or need. You need to start realising that... hopefully his behaviour will make you see that sooner or later. Don't beat yourself up about it in the meantime.

Congratulations on your baby OP. You've been very strong so far and especially well done for holding firm in your boundaries and not taking him back. It sounds as though things are not that great with OW and he realised the grass isn't greener

You do seem a little too enmeshed with him though which will make it harder to get over him, especially when you will still be pretty hormonal. I'd cut out the contact at your house. Sort out a sensible contact schedule and maybe get some talking therapy so you can talk to your hearts content. Good luck x

It's so hard. It's like people expect me to be over the situation already and move on. But it feels so fresh and I loved him so much. Upon reflection the relationship wasn't even great and I had a lot of anxiety during it.
I wish I left him a long time ago & sometimes imagine what would life be like if I had the courage to leave him 2 years ago. But I guess I'll never know.

I imagine your friend feels that it's not especially helpful for you to keep trawling over what a dick he is....and your friend is correct. If you need to talk more about it then maybe get some more therapy. It's dreadful they way he treated you and you are better off without him. You are in an emotionally vulnerable position at 8weeks pp and it doesn't seem like you are over him or accepting of your future, are you secretly holding on to some hope that he will suddenly morph into the man you really deserve? He won't and the sooner you accept that fact the better.

Thank you! I love my baby so much. He did tell me the OW was feeling insecure about being with him because he had a baby on the way!

I was the one offering him to come over weekly because I wanted him to bond with DD. I grew up with a very loving DF and I feel bad that she's not going to have that. But I don't think these home visits are helping anyone. He was also flaked twice already with saying he is coming over and not showing up. Is this a glimpse of him letting her down in the future

I’m sorry you have had such an awful time with him and I’m so glad you are enjoying your DD. It sounds like you are not over him and your friends not only realise that but know he is bad news and it would be a terrible idea for you to get back with him so are trying to get you to move on by not talking about him. That’s my take on it. I may be wrong.

@WonderingWanda You're right. He won't ever be the man I deserve or want. But my mind still does want him to morph back into the man I knew him to be before I got pregnant. I know the saying 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'. But I can't understand how he was Dr Jekyll for 4 years and then suddenly Mr Hyde. It's like, where did my best friend go??

Congratulations on your baby! I can understand the sense of injustice and disappointment, but you and your DD are a family and she’ll be happy. Ex was not the man you hoped for so yes its gutting.

I suspect your friends may not think its helpful going over it all - you do need to get it out your system but hard for them…

Can you go out and leave ex with baby when he visits. Easier for you emotionally and gives you a break. Or he takes her out but you need to avoid being together with him.

It will get easier.

Stop having him visit

If he wants contact let him go to court and fight for it.

Then do not facilitate the contact.

Does he have PRR?

@Lovemybunnies I believe you are right. Do you think if I stop talking about him, I'll get over him? I know this is an impossible question to answer but maybe talking about him isn't doing me good.

@Channellingsophistication Recently I've been leaving them in the living room and going upstairs so I don't spend time with him. This is helping. However last visit he wanted me to sit with him. Should've declined.

@Carebearsonmybed I feel responsible for facilitating visits to help them bond. I chose to have the baby against his wishes so I want to make everything as easy for him as possible to love her. I want my DD to have a dad that loves her :(
Yes he's on the BC.

I want my DD to have a dad that loves her :(

You're not going to get what you want.

OP getting over someone you loved is difficult enough without throwing a baby into the mix / having to see them regularly.

When my sister broke up with her long term
boyfriend she was devastated and it was all she spoke about for quite a while, and being honest I did get bored of it and also felt we were just going round in circles all the time. I encouraged her to stop talking about him, 1) so we could have fun when we were together instead of her upsetting herself constantly by talking about him, 2) because i wanted her to stop obsessing over him and in order to do this she needed to stop letting him take up so much head space.

Time will help, but you can also help yourself by limiting contact as much as possible and trying your hardest to focus on building your life without him in it.

I wish you had a supportive friend who would listen as talking about it will let it all out and make sense, a good friend will listen and advice. You are still mourning a loss of your relationship, you've only recently had a baby (congrats) your hormones are not settled yet so you will be up/down. Going by how he is I believe you've made a right decision not to be with him, it's good you're giving him a chance to be a dad and allowing the visits, but maybe just schedule it to take part elsewhere so you don't have to see him during the visits. Time is a healer in time you will get stronger, and one day you will look back and see why this had to happen in order to get you to where your heading...the struggles of today is building you up for the better future ahead. Trust the process and ride the waves. Xx

@winterwarmer8274 Thank you. I can relate with you and your sisters dynamic as I talk to my sister a lot about it too. But sometimes I feel she's getting bored of it too. It's easier at the moment because we can just coo over my DD.

Time has been helping and I'm in a much better place than when I was pregnant. Hoping time continues to do this and one day I'll wake up and feel absolutely healed.

@Safxxx This was very encouraging thank you. I know life can't always be perfect and I'm in the middle of a hard time. I do hope I can look back at this time one day and be grateful. My DD is already one of the things I'm grateful for.

He has offered to take DD away for a few hours but I said no. She was preterm and I felt it was too soon. But maybe I'll take him up on the offer in a few months.

Also I do have friends that listen to me and advise, but I don't want to overdo it. The friend yesterday surprised me a little bit.

Perhaps your friends feel unable to say too much as your feelings are flip flopping about this guy. One minute he is all that is bad and the next you think you might want to get back with him.

It's natural to wonder what your life is going to be like in the future but you are 8 weeks after birth. Enjoy your baby. Forget about dating. There will always be men out there.

Personally I never know why women want a child to have a relationship with a man just because he impregnated you. What kind of example is a dead beat dad? Don't go back to him. You will give him permission to do it to you all over again. No decent man behaves like this.

We are always here.

@sausawyee I would never want to get back with him as he's no good. I would much rather be single than to try again with him.

I guess I was giving him a chance to not be a deadbeat. I've heard stories of men actually coparenting well & being a present Dad to children. But he's already showing signs of being a deadbeat. I'll see how it goes and hopefully he'll be consistent with DD.

@NewDogOwner Thank you! MN has been a blessing to me in hard times

You chose to have a child with him maybe your friends are tired of your choices being a constant drama

Maybe stop laying it on them for a while it can be incredibly draining listing to someone's constant complaing

@Edingril Ouch, hard truths. Yeah I think I will keep quiet for a while

I could have written this a year ago op! It's a heartbreaking position to be in

1. That's not a good friend or that friend doesn't have capacity to support you now. You can raise it gently with her if you feel you can, or seek support elsewhere.

1. It's natural to still have some feelings you were in love with him genuinely and you can't switch those off.

1. You're correct he's not a good guy, to either you or the ow he is self centred and selfish and only wants a woman to suit him and his lifestyle.

1. You were very brave for being boundaries and not taking him back as a live in. Most of us would have crumbled then when in such a vulnerable position. Trust yourself that this was the right choice.

1. Unsubscribe. Seriously - block him on social media and ask friends and family to give you no updates on what he's up to and be firm. No good will come of hearing what he's doing or saying it will just upset you whether it's 'good' or 'bad' stuff.

1. Focus on yourself and your self care and write a list of what your non negotiable needs are for any future relationship. If this is a need that you'd be willing to provide to someone else (such as reassurance, faithfulness) then it's not 'too much.'

1. As soon as possible and you feel baby is safe and happy with it, send him out to the park or a local playgroup with the baby, don't host him in your home. I felt a million times better having this boundary in place.

1. I re joined dating apps when my baby was around 1 and I promise you I was spoiled for choice it's untrue that no men want you, many many will (you just need to watch out for users and losers, but no change there).

Please get counseling again if you think it would help xx

This is really mean way to talk to someone in such a vulnerable position.

Op if my friend was cheated on in pregnancy and had a nightmare of an ex to deal with I'd listen to her and not expect her to be over it in a matter of weeks. Im a nice friend though. In two years perhaps yes get a hobby but not right now when you're probably still recovering from surgery and maybe literally still bleeding from your pregnancy.

Ps injustice is a good word as it's not fair and you're allowed to feel that way op, I do.

One thing I learnt you can’t make him be a dad your Dd deserves ..

yes leave the option for contact open .. it sounds like he is seeing the baby to get to you ..

leave him in the lounge , don’t chase him to be a good dad - he either will step up or won’t .

have you got cms involved ..

but yes there does become a point there is nothing more to say .. Talk about your Dd , talk about what level of self care you managed for the day . Ask about them .. it gives you space for other stuff