Injustice after abandonment in pregnancy

[ExpectantEs]

I’ve posted on here before when I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to keep my baby or to terminate.

Pregnant & left for someone else
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/4959824-pregnant-left-for-someone-else

At the time, my ex didn’t want the baby and he left me for OW. I decided to keep the baby and raise DD as a single mother. She’s here now & she’s the light of my life.

During my pregnancy, he disappeared for the majority of it which was hard. I was also getting the odd report that he had been spotted with OW. At one point he came back and wanted to make it work for the sake of the baby. I declined as he was still actively seeing OW & he didn’t want to break up with her until I confirmed we were getting back together. I did offer if we could take it slow and build trust again before we get back together, but he said now or never. He wanted to be living together before DD was born but this was too soon for me. He took the offer off the table.
It was hard for me to say no, as I did want a family and his abandonment was devastating - but I declined. It felt like he was making me to the pick me dance.

This left us to the conclusion to co-parent. He was very bitter because I didn’t want to get back with him immediately. During the pregnancy he was mean/would disappear. When I gave birth via C section he said he didn’t feel sorry for me because ‘I chose to have the baby’. He also said I’ve ruined his life a million times. Also said nobody will want me now I’m a single mother. Amongst many other horrible things. But to outsiders he’s a proud dad and is parading around town that he’s a new dad.

I had therapy during pregnancy because the heartbreak and devastation of his abandonment was a lot. And also needed help coming to the realisation that I wasn’t going to have the future I imagined for myself. It’s around this time that a lot of my friends are getting married & I thought that would’ve been me.

I’m posting here today because I had a friend over yesterday and feel deflated.

A) Friend seemed to not want to talk about my ex when I was giving updates. Even wanted to change the subject. I really wanted friend to hear my new frustrations and was seeking encouragement. It made me think, are people getting tired of hearing about exDP? It seems like everyone has moved on from what he was done/said to me. He didn’t get any punishment or consequences for his actions. It’s not like I’ve been talking about him for ages - I’m only 8 weeks postpartum. I’m one of those people that need to talk about my feelings often.

B) Whenever he comes to spend time with DD I still have feelings for him. Unbeknownst to everyone. How can I still have feelings for someone that openly hates me and has done so many horrible things. How can I get over him when I see him often?

C) I’m not focusing on dating any time soon as I’m so happy with just me and DD. But it’s not fair how his life has not changed one bit and he’s going on holidays and (I’m assuming) seeing loads of women. So much injustice. I’m just waiting for the day he proposes to someone else.

Guess I’m just writing down my feelings. Sorry that it’s so long. Could still be postpartum hormones too.

Your friend may well be concerned that if she bad mouths him, you will get back together with him and blame her for saying it. It does sound like it is time to draw some boundaries. Agree child support, or go to cms if he won't. Agree a visitation schedule and see if he turns up or not. At least if he doesn't, you have the time planned, you aren't constantly chasing him or waiting around. He only changed when yiu got pregnant, so it seems pretty clear that was the catalyst for the Jekyll to Hide switch.

It is easy to look back and think yiu should have done things differently. If yiu had, your wonderful child wouldn't be here, so don't beat yourself up about previous choices.

It's hard to accept he's not the person you want him to be 🤷‍♀️

I imagine your friends are getting bored with hearing about him, probably think he's a complete waste of space and wonder what you ever saw in him 🫤

Congratulations on your dd, enjoy her and be excited about the future. I'm a single mum to a daughter and it's brilliant, she's 18 now and we've had a few bumps along the way but I wouldn't change a thing.

Is he on the birth certificate? I'm glad my dds dad wasn't as he never maintained contact. I wouldn't have wanted him to have any parental rights.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum You helped me when I was deciding whether or not to keep my baby a few months ago in private DM's, so thank you for this. Thanks for your detailed responses, they help so much.

Every bullet point is good advise that I will take. I especially can't wait to start focusing on self care. Haven't been consistent with the gym since before I was pregnant! Can't wait for him to not be in my home anymore too. I'm sure when DD gets older it will be better

@Starlightstarbright3 Agreed. There isn't much else to talk about other than DD. All she does is eat, sleep and poop so our conversations are very limited.
I will reduce my expectations on the type of Dad he becomes, sadly. She just deserves all the love in the world and it makes me a little sad.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I have been enjoying being single. Sometimes I do think of a future with just us 2 and I know it can still be beautiful. I've just spent my whole 30 years of life imagining having a husband too. Guess I'm just trying to adjust what my future may look like. Thanks for the encouragement that life with just me and DD can still be lovely

If your friend is a good one and someone you've been able to rely on in the past I'd give them some grace on this. They may be exhausted or overwhelmed or burnt out or going through their own tough time they don't want to burden you with or feel is less than your issues so should keep to themselves. Their reaction might not be about you at all. PPs can't accurately decide they're being a bad friend based on this one interaction without knowing what's going on in your friends life right now or how they're doing mentally.

It sounds like you feel responsible for whether he's a good dad or not to DD. This isn't in your control at all. Whatever type of dad he becomes is 100% his responsibility and his choice. Don't put that on yourself. If he turns out to be a bad dad that's on him.

Hi OP just catching up sorry. Yes I do think it would help if you stop talking about him. Stop torturing yourself. Unfortunately this is the real him and there won’t be an explanation. I also think it is unhelpful having him in your home but make sure you have a safe alternative for contact that you are happy with.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I will 100% be giving them Grace. They're usually quite supportive & we've been friends for 15 years. So it was a strange evening.
Will also try and release the responsibility of him being a good dad.

Congratulations on your baby.

I can imagine it's really hard not having a friend who will just let you vent. Being left when pregnant isn't something you get over quickly and you will be painfully aware of it at lots of stages in the next year (or even several years).

Do vent here when you need to.

I can also understand still being attracted to him when he's a lot less than ideal. It may be basic survival to stick with the father of your child for support.

Do keep strong and look after yourself and your child as he clearly isn't a good partner.

@Tooting33 Thanks for your support. I do think it could be biological to still feel attracted to him. I also was very attracted to him during the 4 years we were together so the longevity it there. I'm sure he will just look like a normal guy to me in a few years (hopefully).