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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband says I’m not affectionate enough. How do I change?

47 replies

Coldhearted34 · 10/08/2024 09:13

Been with DH for 12 years, we have one 2 year old DS. DH says I’m not affectionate enough and we don’t have sex enough. He’s not wrong - our sex life is very sparse. I have a very low sex drive and we’re both very tired and find it hard to find time. However, he’d like this to change. I’d like it to change for the sake of my relationship but I’m not bothered by it in regards to my sexual needs. But he also says I’m not affectionate enough generally. Whenever he tries to cuddle and kiss me throughout the day, he says he feels rejected as I often end up pushing him off after a few minutes. I don’t do this because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be affectionate, I just have a list of a billion things racing through my head that I need to do and a toddler scrabbling at my ankles whilst we’re smooching. I find it hard to be truly present in the moment when this is happening. But he’s also generally always the one to instigate it. But I do enjoy affection when it happens.

I want to change as I love my husband very much. I feel he’s my soul mate and I want to make him happy. But how do I change if it’s just not something I actively think about or prioritise? How do I prioritise it when I’m also thinking about so many other things like childcare, housework, work etc. I don’t know how to change?

OP posts:

Megifer · 10/08/2024 09:21

I think its very common for some men to say they want more affection (sex) after children come along. They can feel jealous that your attention is not just for them anymore.

In the day when he's cuddling etc....does it often include a grope or similar by any chance?

Lookingforunicorns · 10/08/2024 09:24

Be careful with this. It all sounds so so familiar.
My ex came out with all this crap and then left our marriage 3 years ago. I had two kids aged under 10 at the time.
These men are children.
What is he doing to help you other than pawing at you for sex?
I love sex and we had it fairly regularly. But still not enough for Mr self-centred. Said he felt like an item on my to-do list. NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
Also check he hasn't had his head turned and is rewriting history as he sees it.
Look up ' The script' on mumsnet

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 09:30

When he says affection, he means sex. If you were having sex frequently at night, he wouldn't be pestering you for "a cuddle" during the day when you are busy.

The question is whether you want the marriage enough to have sex with him just to keep things functioning. For many people (and not just men) it is a key part of marriage, and the relationship dies without it.

cupcaske123 · 10/08/2024 09:33

It's difficult OP because no one should have sex they don't want.

Have you ever enjoyed sex or had good sex? Some women think they have a low libido when the fact is their partner couldn't turn on a light.

They leave the relationship and find that when they meet the right person, they do actually enjoy sex.You might also find that the more sex you have, the more you desire it.

One solution is to share chores as it seems as though the full burden of running a house and childcare is on your shoulders. Can you hand over a fair proportion of the load to your husband?

Another solution is to reintroduce intimacy in spending quality time together, handholding, kissing, hugging and open conversations.

rainbowsparkle28 · 10/08/2024 09:33

Tbh I would be telling him where to go, he sounds like an arse...

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/08/2024 09:35

I knew this would be about sex, not affection.
I’m not surprised you push him off after a few minutes - that’s not a quick affectionate kiss or cuddle, that’s foreplay.
If he wants sex he has to find a way to be attractive to you again, and also accept with your mis-matched sex drive it will never be as much as he wants.

Whitekitchens · 10/08/2024 09:45

How is he generally in your relationship? Good husband & farther?
Have you read the book love languages?
My love language is physical touch (in general, not just sex) and my husband doesn’t show me much affection and it leaves me feeling undesired and unloved. Might be a good place to start if you want to try improve things with general affection.

honkifyalikebeans · 10/08/2024 09:47

He needs to take over some of the tasks for a start.

But I think you know him best, does affection mean sex for him? It doesn't for my DH.

RainintheDesert · 10/08/2024 09:48

This was a common complaint during my marriage. He's now an ex.

I'm not a tactile sort anyway but he knew that before marrying me. He was an arse from the start, it just took time for me to realise that.

Whataretalkingabout · 10/08/2024 09:49

Tell him you would be more attracted to him if he did his fair share of childcare, housework, cooking , shopping etc. Also tell him that demanding affection is totally counterproductive. You are not a robot that can be switched on. What ever happened to the way he treated you before marriage and children? He needs to look at his own behavior for answers.

GreyCarpet · 10/08/2024 09:50

I just have a list of a billion things racing through my head that I need to do

This is the issue.

He gets ro spend his 'free time' thinking about having and wanting to have sex whereas you have other things to be thinking about too.

Lucytheloose · 10/08/2024 10:04

Tell him nothing unleashes your 'affection' quite as thoroughly as a man who does his fair share of parenting and housework.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 10/08/2024 10:29

When men say more affection that always means sex. If you want to make it work I guess you will have to find a way to make more time for it.

Original poster

Coldhearted34 · 10/08/2024 11:29

@Whitekitchens he’s an amazing father and husband. Honestly, the best father to our son. He does a good share of chores. However, I do a lot of the “thinking” for the family and there’s lots he doesn’t do unless I ask him. But he will do everything he can to help and there are certain things he does without being asked.

Our sex life was better before kids but never been at it like rabbits. I’ve always had a lower sex drive despite having had “good sex”. And he accepts it’s never going to be loads, but ideally more than once every few months like it is currently (which I know isn’t a lot based on most people’s standards).

@honkifyalikebeans I don’t think it means just sex for my DH either. Although I imagine if we had sex more frequently, he wouldn’t have issue with not having many cuddles or kisses throughout the day. But I think he’d be more ok than he feels currently if we AT LEAST had more intimacy in other ways.

I really don’t want this relationship to end. I imagine being with this man for the rest of my life. He’s not an arse. I’m just scared he’ll want to leave if I can’t meet his needs.

OP posts:

Lookingforunicorns · 10/08/2024 11:39

I sympathize despite my somewhat harsh post above but I still think you are blaming yourself here unreasonably.
I could have said all of what you did about my ex before he blindsided me. Now I think differently of him.
I wonder if we ever truly know the man we're married to.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/08/2024 11:44

The only way it can change is it you want it to OP, you have to actively want to be more affectionate, find time for that in your day etc. Affection and physical intimacy (not just sex) is really important to both my husband and I, I’d be upset if he was distant or pulling away from my hugs/kisses and I know he would be as well. We also have a young baby who takes up a lot of our time & energy so it’s definitely not 10 min kisses in the kitchen or an hour cuddling on the sofa like it used to be, but finding those few minutes where we can for a kiss and cuddle is really important at least for us, it’s a tiny little break in a long day (and even longer nights as my child is allergic to sleep clearly🥲)

SmythSergio · 10/08/2024 11:49

I do a lot of the “thinking” for the family and there’s lots he doesn’t do unless I ask him. But he will do everything he can to help and there are certain things he does without being asked.
Is it you who sees him pulling his weight as "helping" or him?

SamW98 · 10/08/2024 12:01

Sounds like you not being affectionate enough actually means you don’t just let him grope you on demand.

Have you and your partner ever sat down and had a proper conversation about his both of you feel without any shouting or tantrums? That has to be the starting point to working out how you both move forward

Sinderalla · 10/08/2024 13:12

Treat every show of affection like the last one.
You just don't know when you might want it and it's no longer possible.

MeinKraft · 10/08/2024 13:20

I don't think he's unreasonable to want sex more than once every few months and it sounds like he does his fair share of parenting....I would try to find a way to address your low libido? Maybe see a GP as there might be a physical cause. Do you feel good in yourself? Do you like your body?

Powderblue1 · 10/08/2024 15:04

My DH often says this to me about not being affectionate enough. I'm a bit of and Ice Queen and he is naturally more affectionate than I am.

It's something I do work on, I try to remind myself to give him hugs and kisses and I know he does appreciate it. Maybe just try to give yourself a bit of a nudge if you can.

Sorry I can't comment on the sex part, we don't have a problem in this area.

hildabaker · 10/08/2024 15:13

My ex was like this. He was jealous of the attention the kids received from me. I blamed myself for years and forced myself to have a lot of unwanted sex. Then I realised that he was a jerk and I left him. Then I was happy.

Obviously there was a lot more to it than this. I wonder if he is really so marvellous, OP. please don't blame yourself, like I used to blame myself.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 15:13

Being the default person responsible for the majority of the mental load in a household with children is mentally exhausting

I tend to find women's libido and sexuality starts in the mind rather than physical touching so of course you haven't got the mind space for this it's too full of doing his share of the mental load.

Greengrasswalks · 10/08/2024 15:14

You are not a good match re. the sex aspect of your relationship due to your differing libidos. There is nothing wrong in that, or either of you. But, maybe you should go to the GP to rule out a possible reason for your low libido.

I’m a working woman with 3 DC. I’m the main carer and do the majority of the household chores as I’m currently working PT. Partner works long hours. Only having sex once every few months would not work for me. Maybe I’m not the norm.

inthekiddle · 10/08/2024 15:21

Honestly, I think it's reasonable for one partner to want affection and sex frequently in a marriage. However it is also reasonable that you don't feel like it, especially post kids. Either one of you will have to suck it up, or you'll have to meet in the middle, or you'll have to break up. Can he do more to support you in the home? Can you try harder to show affection?

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