Husband says I’m not affectionate enough. How do I change?

[Coldhearted34]

Been with DH for 12 years, we have one 2 year old DS. DH says I’m not affectionate enough and we don’t have sex enough. He’s not wrong - our sex life is very sparse. I have a very low sex drive and we’re both very tired and find it hard to find time. However, he’d like this to change. I’d like it to change for the sake of my relationship but I’m not bothered by it in regards to my sexual needs. But he also says I’m not affectionate enough generally. Whenever he tries to cuddle and kiss me throughout the day, he says he feels rejected as I often end up pushing him off after a few minutes. I don’t do this because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be affectionate, I just have a list of a billion things racing through my head that I need to do and a toddler scrabbling at my ankles whilst we’re smooching. I find it hard to be truly present in the moment when this is happening. But he’s also generally always the one to instigate it. But I do enjoy affection when it happens.

I want to change as I love my husband very much. I feel he’s my soul mate and I want to make him happy. But how do I change if it’s just not something I actively think about or prioritise? How do I prioritise it when I’m also thinking about so many other things like childcare, housework, work etc. I don’t know how to change?

As ‘affectionate’ is the key word here, are you able to compromise a bit and be more open to physical touch without sex more frequently. So cuddling and kissing more frequently, maybe in the evening after DC have gone to bed. Can you get a babysitter, so you can schedule some date nights out at least once every 1-2 months? If childcare is difficult or not possible, plan a nice meal and movie at home. You should suggest that he shops for, prepares and cooks the meal for you both. Even if he’s working FT, he should be doing his fair share of childcare and household tasks when he’s not working. Ensure you get some me-time to do whatever you want to do without the DC hanging off you, whether at home or outside the home.

potentially going against the grain here but if you genuinely don’t believe he’s being affectionate to get sex and it is that he just wants physical contact with you. Put yourself in the situation where you were trying to give him affectionate and you kept pushing him away, you’d feel like shit. I get that you have a million things racing through your head as I’m the same, but you need to ask yourself if it’s a priority or just something that’s in your head, that could be done in 15 mins or if it must be done now

Sex and affection Is the difference between man and wife or housemates

He will probably start looking if you are not meeting his needs. What are you going to do then? Still go through a billion things on your list?

From what you have said, there does need to be an increase in affection and intimacy but that doesn't translate to you just having to do it. I would suggest that you think together about what the blockers are and then try to work through them.

Only once every few months? I actually feel quite sorry for him. You’re more like housemates than a married couple and I can understand why he might feel rejected. You have unilaterally decided on that frequency without any discussion and it shouldn’t really come as a surprise that he’s not happy with it. Once the sex and intimacy in a relationship breaks down people become more open to affairs in an attempt to get their needs met elsewhere.

People on here will say you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you don’t, but I would be seeking support to find a way back - closer to the intimacy of the early days. Becoming a parent does not mean you stop being a lover and partner. If anything it becomes more important as the closeness makes your relationship stronger for the tough times when you need that strong bond the most.

How do I prioritise it when I’m also thinking about so many other things like childcare, housework, work etc. I don’t know how to change?

This jumps out. If he thought about these things so you didn't have to, what impact would that have? Also, why are you asking him to do things, is he deficient in some way that he is incapable of being an adult?

OP will have plenty of time to think about other things like childcare, housework and work when she is a single mum. This said with the best intention to help her reevaluate her priorities.

He is the one that wants more " affection " so he should be helping the op find ways to take off her internal list so she can get into a mindset that allows her to feel affectionate towards him.

Otherwise you're just advocating for marital rape.

OP already said he is an amazing father and husband and does a lot at home. It's up to her to decide whether she wants a spotless house or a future with the father of her child. It's all about setting up priorities

In a good relationship, both people need to show love and affection. 🤷‍♀️

I had a lot of internalized misogyny before my ex H left. I can see that now
So smug, like some of the posters here. It would never happen to me because I ensured he got regular sex.
Life eventually gives you a more balanced view, and an ability to see many different perspectives.

It’s about ensuring both partners are happy and satisfied with the amount of sex they are having together. It should never be viewed as one partner giving the partner sex, even though that partner does not want to. Sex shouldn’t feel like a chore.

It’s a must that couples also need to master the art of quickies once DC arrive. Most people DC in tow or not, don’t have time for long drawn out sessions, especially post honeymoon stage.

They need to compromise, work on it, maybe see a GP, sex therapist even or possibly split if their sex drives are not compatible.

Hands up anybody in a strong, long lasting relationship who has got there by prioritising housework over sex.

I do remember feeling like you when my children were small. You kind of give your body over to them for a few years, breastfeeding, carrying them around and then them climbing all over you whenever you sit down! By the end of the day, you feel like you've had enough of being touched and just don't have anything left. Can you try and explain to your husband how it feels? If he were to do bedtime while you go and have a peaceful soak in the bath with a book, would you feel like cuddling up on the sofa of an evening and watching something funny together? I think if you both work at making a bit of time for just the two of you, you might feel like being more affectionate. It's hard to get in the mood when someone just comes up to you in the day when you're busy in the kitchen or whatever and wants to start kissing and cuddling you!

I have a lower sex drive than my DH but I would have also struggled with only having sex every few months.

This is where maintenance sex comes in. Tiny children are tiring but it isn’t like you have several tiny children at home. You have one two year old. The mental and physical load shouldn’t be so heavy that you can only manage very occasional sex and I do wonder whether you’re hiding behind that because your own sex drive is low.

No-one should have sex they actively don’t want to have - and I never did that - but I did make a point of ensuring reasonable regularity (1-2 a week) because I enjoyed it when we did it and because it helped maintain closeness between us and stopped us feeling like housemates.

Whenever he tries to cuddle and kiss me throughout the day, he says he feels rejected as I often end up pushing him off after a few minutes.

How long is he expecting you to cuddle and kiss? And this is in the middle of the day when you’re doing stuff?

I love my DH very much, but I would find it quite stressful to be pawed at all day, while I was trying to get on with things. Life is not a romcom. There’s laundry to be done.

Caitlin Moran wrote a good - and funny chapter - on the importance of the “maintenance shag” for couples once children come along. Still easier said than done but can help perspective shift.

Having lost an otherwise good relationship to similar circumstances to the ones you described, I have three slightly left-field suggestions:

A) are you on hormonal contraception, and if so would you be willing to look at a different contraceptive solution? It can kill your sex drive.

B) do you have sexual needs he isn't meeting, that you perhaps feel embarrassed about sharing with him? If so, it worth a shot sharing them. He doesn't have to meet them, of course, but you never know, he may surprise you.

C) would you be willing to open up your relationship, so that you are both allowed to have your sexual needs met by others?

I get that Mumsnet wisdom has it that women will suddenly be aroused by their partners if said partners start doing the washing up, but in my own experience it's needed more than that......

Whenever I've gone through periods of low energy and not really feeling like it I've found trying to carve out time for myself helps. You're going from zero to 100 asking yourself to be in the mood whereas doing nice things for yourself (and a partner helping facilitate those) can make a difference then a side effect of that (not the goal but a bonus) is feeling more in the mood.

The other thing is working out frequency. If you didn't have so much on your plate how often. I would be okay with every 5 weeks probably as I have a long cycle but that one time I want to be amazing - three dedicated hours. What I am trying to say is for me quality matters more than quantity. Other times it might be in different ways, a quickie, something I like doing, sexy chat etc. However there are also times when I can't be bothered for a few months!

In my experience (peri menopausal through my most recent relationships) when my then partner said I'm not giving them enough affection, when I do increase the actual affection, they think oh I'm in here and take it too far thinking I'm kissing them or cuddling them as foreplay - when I'm not.

So I had the conversation about don't think I'm up for it when I'm just being affectionate.

And don't ask me for affection or intimacy or some other word when you mean sex. Tell it as it is and stop literally and figuratively beating around the/my bush.

Men are pathetic. They think with their dicks. Three perfectly good relationships down the drain because they wanted to dip their little sausage more than I wanted.

There are more important things to do than shag.

Yeah it's fine and dandy now and again but I'm just not that into it nowadays the way I would have been in the past. Too tired. Too menopausal.

I am now single. I doubt I will date again as three guys in seven years have all wanted more than I could offer re sex. I've ended up broken hearted each time.