Husband after 5 years still hold grudge over his aunt, was he overreacting?

[stayathomewife]

Before I go on, I need to say this as it might be cultural difference, I am Chinese, in the China culture is a very close-knit family (No, you don't just cut off a family member), and respect elders, not just your mom dad, grandparents, but also your aunts and uncles too as they are siblings of your parents.

The Chinese me I'm the type that like to maintenance peace, and you can call me doormat but I never dare cut out a family member, and I avoid confrontation.
Him, my husband (whom not Chinese), he has zero problem with cut off a family member, and he will start war if he has to, and he has zero problem with confrontation.

Together 14 years, married 12 years. Our child died of brain disease 5 years ago, my child died when he was 1.5 years old, brain disease run in my side of the family and I'm the baby's mother.
This is not on my husband, it on me. Even if we try for another child there always a 50/50 chance the next baby could inherit brain disease from me again.
Both me and my husband still grief our child's death.

My husband is fine with not having children as he said he married me because he loves me and wants to grow old together with me, not because he wants to carry on his genes or carry on the family name.

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So you see during holidays we have family get together with all his family members, his aunt (his paternal aunt), his aunt commented that use his income and his U.S. citizenship, he has a University Master degrees and income of 6-figures.
His aunts said use his money and U.S citizenship go to China, Vietnam, Philippines, Russia, etc.. to find a younger woman (beside be a better match for him than me) but also can give him children to carry on the family name, because he is the ONLY son.

He was mad, right there in front of the whole family get together dinner table,
yep. in front of his whole family sitting there.
He SLAM his FIST down the holiday family gettogether table and yelled "ENOUGH", and point to his aunt and address his aunt as "this woman", that do not ever call him for any family gettogether anymore if has "this woman" (his aunt) in it.
......
Told his aunt to apologize to me his wife, and do not ever speak a word to me again, and do not come anywhere near me. Hold my hand, said to his mom he call her later, walk straight out and SLAM the door on his way out.

My jaw drop, I was speechless. ALL that just because his aunt on the holiday family gettogether table said the da-mn truth that he has other options out there, other options alot better than me, and another woman can give him healthy children without brain disease.

He told me he not want his aunt to instill things like this in my head, and he does not want her anywhere near me. He also does not want to have anything to do with is aunt or want to be around a woman like her.
And that it is his aunt, his family, let him deal with it "his" ways. And No, I do not have a choice but listen to him. And that I need to understand he protecting me here.

It been 5 years, he keep his words, he never went to any family gettogether that has his aunt in it. He completely cut her off, just over that.
And does not want me to talk to his aunt, reason is because he does not want her to instill bullock things like that in my head.

He still hold grudge against her 5 years later. I get it it his aunt, let him deal with his family. But was he overreacting with his aunt?

I do not blame your DH for the way he reacted. I would have felt much the same as him, and refused to have anything to do with his aunt again.
She was extremely rude and disrespectful of both of you.

I'm Chinese too and I get how hard it is to distance yourself from family. But what the aunt said is an exceptionally terrible thing to say - it obviously disrespects you, and it also disrespects him because she is encouraging him to go to Asia and buy a new wife. Your DH is not overreacting.

Sounds like you've got a really loving and loyal husband. You've been through so much together and whatever blame you put upon yourself (wrongly imo), your husband obviously doesn't feel that way and he loves you and wants to protect you and that's exactly what he did.

What his aunt said was vile and i think it's the right thing that he's cut her of as a consequence.

The aunt is an evil woman and your husband is an absolute rockstar. He did the right thing in protecting you.

What she said was so disrespectful towards both of you, but especially towards you. I think he did the absolute right thing and I wouldn't speak to her again either. That's simply not something you say in front of someone.

I'm so sorry for your loss💐

What his aunt said was unforgivable. It was a disgusting insult, not only to you, but to your husband as well, and I agree with what he did.

He loves YOU. He loves you far too much to put up with someone telling him to get rid of you and go and find himself another wife.

It is not acceptable to be so hurtful and disrespectful during a family bash or otherwise.

Hopefully, your DH's reaction to her, made her take stock a little bit

Thank you so much for the inputs. I really appreciated.

I know this is a me problem. I do have low self-worth and self-esteem, and I don't like to sugarcoat myself, I see things as is, the truth is he has other options out there like his aunt, and the truth is I cannot give him a healthy child, because brain disease run in my side of the family. Perhaps I'm even self-sabotage.

I love him so I want the best for him, if another woman can give him a family full of laughters and children to pass on his genes and his family name, then I don't mind to step away so he can have the best life he can.

But he get defensive when I said that to him, he said he is the only one can define what his happiness is, and know what make him happy and who can give him happiness. Nobody can dictate his life for him, not his mom, not even me his wife, let alone someone like his aunt.

He said his happiness is me, he said he loves me very much and want to grow old together with me, That is all he ask for, he doesn't need children, he wants us to grow old together.

And he not want his aunt anywhere near me, it not because he controlling, but because she disrespectful to me, and he doesn't want her to instill bullock things like this in my head.

I dunno, but I guess he understand my low self-worth and low self-esteem, so if me keep hear his aunt say these things it not in any way helping my brain or helping me.

Your husband is a lovely man.

His aunt is horrible and deserves to be cut off by him.

Good for him ! It is so nice to read about a husband supporting his wife. If he really feels the need for a child, the two of you could consider adoption.
Tho it sounds as if he is satisfied enough with life as it is.

I understand you hate confrontation. Your husband's aunt was rude to you, she disrespected you by telling him to find another woman and because your husband is loyal and faithful to you and because he loves you, he can not love another woman, his aunt's cruel words and bad attitude caused his anger outburst.

So, even though you hate confrontation, his aunt's rudeness towards you, was the cause of your husband's anger, so your relationship is safe and you really have a good relationship and he will support you.

Try not to worry, you can trust him, your husband is a good guy.

I am sorry about your child, it was not your fault your baby passed away.

He defended his wife when she was grossly disrespected by his family member. Frankly, good for him. He chose you over his aunt, because he loves you. I am sorry for your loss.

You need to get therapy because you're going to push him away.
He wants YOU. End of story.

He could do so many things. As could you! But you want to be together so that's all that needs saying.

I am so so sorry for your losses x

You may be able to have children without the brain disease, look up PGD.
In a nutshell PGD is preimplantation genetic diagnosis which can be coupled with IFV. The embryo is tested for a genetic disease and only healthy embryos are implanted

However there are a lot of factors and genetic work beforehand, as a start the geneticist team has to be able to pinpoint the mutation. But if that's what you would like worth a shot at least exploring.

I'm am so sorry about your child.

He is not overreacting. He loves you and values you and his auntie is very wrong and disrespectful to both of you and very cruel to you

The aunt was offensive on so many different levels. It is tantamount to saying that women are a commodity to be acquired like a product, and sent back if they are 'faulty' in any way. It can only come from someone who is extremely 'othering' (probably racist) and misogynistic to boot.

Why would you want this woman anywhere near you? Your husband has it right.

Thank you so so much for the help, I really appreciated it.

if another woman can give him a family full of laughters and children to pass on his genes and his family name, then I don't mind to step away so he can have the best life he can.

Another wife and children and passing on genes and your family name won't guarantee him happiness or his best life. The whole Mumsnet forum is evidence of that.

I agree that you need to work on your own self worth and knowing that you also deserve happiness and his love. Otherwise you will push him away with your guilt and fear.

I'm very sorry for your loss, @stayathomewife

And secondly, i think your husband was absolutely right.
His aunt was incredibly disrespectful, and a bit racist, actually!

Oh well, this Chinese woman is kaput, let's get you a son, and an Eastern Asian woman to replace her with.
That's what he's into, right??

Scandalous behaviour.

I’m on the fence, your aunt was rude and it is right he took issue but he can do so in an eloquent way, make his point and leave, not act like some oaf. Past that I’d also not see her again, so I agree his actions and point,but think he could have handled it in a much more eloquent way. I am not a fan of men, or women, who lose control

Thank you Ms/Sir ReturnfromtheStars, I will look into PGD preimplantation genetic. Appreciated it for let me know.

I agree.

Your DH has drawn a line in the sand with is family,
They either accept you (and him) as a couple or they keep their nasty views to themselves.

Good on him.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews - you don't need to quote the opening post to make a comment. It is assumed you are replying to the OP. Imagine how long the thread would be if we all quoted the opening post (especially one as long as this one!) before posting.

He's decided you're what's best for him, a life with you is what he wants. If you left, stepped aside you'd break his heart not make him happy. That woman didn't tell truth, your value to him is not measured in children. He values you for yourself. It sounds like between your family upbringing and the heartbreaking loss of your child that you don't put any value on yourself, but he does. He's allowed to decide what will make him happy, his aunt doesn't know better than he does about what's in his heart and what's best for him.
He did the right thing and I would absolutely have done what he did if I was in his place. He sounds like a good man and he's a good man who loves you and values you and values life WITH you above any other life he could have. Maybe instead of feeling he got a raw deal you could hold on to those facts and his love and try and believe the truth of it rather than the lies his aunt and your self esteem are telling you, he would NOT be better off without you.