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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To want now ex to spend more time with our children even if he struggles...

34 replies

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:38

It's been a turbulent year. I lost my mum, about three months after me and my children's dad truly separated but continued to live together. He had refused to leave our rented home. I had to call the police over his abusive behaviour towards me. Often in front of the children. He has suffered from gambling addiction. He left one week after my mum died, because he did not like her her and did not want to see her belongings in the house. He did not help or comfort me during this process. However, such a weight was lifted when he left. A leaving gift from my mum if you like. He now sees the two little ones three times a week, two hours for two days during the week and a few hours during one day at the weekend. He had brought them home early on occasion saying he cannot cope with them. I need more time for me, and he is adamant he won't have them more. Am I wrong to push this or should I let him figure out how he should spend more time with them in his own time? He is a grown man, works full time and has moved back in with extremely wealthy but insular family who will not help him with his issues but rather tell him he has no problems.

I would really like some more time for me, especially a night a week... Am I wrong to think this is something he should be doing? I will be looking at going back to teaching soon and really need a break, but feel huge guilt about sending my children off to this family that evidently struggle to look after them without getting extremely stressed out. Looking for any words of advice, comfort or empathy!

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 09/08/2024 20:40

Please don't leave your children with someone that doesn't want them, even if he is their father, you yourself said he was abusive towards you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2024 20:43

He should do it. But he should be kind not abusive. That's not the hand you've been dealt.

I'd try very hard to be a single mum with no support. Because the alternative could be deeply unhappy, trauma impacted children.

MillyMollyMandHey · 09/08/2024 20:43

How old are they?

Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:44

I agree but he is their dad, the abuse was financial and on one occasion he raised a fist to my head but did not ever become physical, but verbal. A judge would order, even in these circumstances, that the childcare should be 50/50 though. I am playing devils advocate here... And I hear you. Loud and clear. But I am so tired... I love them so dearly but a 14 month age gap makes everyday very hard!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/08/2024 20:44

Not to state the obvious OP but this is the man who was so abusive, even in front of the children, to the extent you had to call the police? I’m sorry but you would be wrong to want your children with him, solo, yes. Especially knowing he doesn’t want them.

You know what he’s capable of, if you needed police help to cope with him please do not put your children in that position.

mytuppennyworth · 09/08/2024 20:48

You would be best taking him out of the equation. make the children available if he asks to see them, but don't go out of your way to send them. With a bit of luck the contact will fade away, and you will be rid of him out of your life. It would be enough for children to see a father like this a couple of times a year

Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:48

I hear you. I guess nursery will roll around soon and these long days will be a distant memory. I just always hoped he would be more of a man when we separated. He made such noise about being around for the kids before he left and how I was ruining their lives by leaving him... I thought perhaps he would step up and be there for them in his own time. Sadly not hey

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:50

They are 2 and 3. I have an older child too who has a lovely relationship with her European father

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/08/2024 20:53

It is sad and it’s hard for you at the moment, but at least you know that while with you they are safe, happy and healthy, being taken care of by someone who loves & wants the best for them. Take some solace in that these hard times are also the best for your babies. X

TomatoSandwiches · 09/08/2024 20:54

Well of course he should, but he won't and you can't make him unfortunately.

Make sure you put a claim for maintenance in, perhaps you could use that for a babysitter at some point and nursery should help eventually.

It's rubbish but a waste of time and energy that you could use to make an actual reliable plan in spite of him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2024 20:58

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:48

I hear you. I guess nursery will roll around soon and these long days will be a distant memory. I just always hoped he would be more of a man when we separated. He made such noise about being around for the kids before he left and how I was ruining their lives by leaving him... I thought perhaps he would step up and be there for them in his own time. Sadly not hey

You are doing the heavy hard work now, and it's relentless.

But it will bear the most wonderful fruit. Stay strong. Flowers

Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:04

Thankyou all. It is hard work, but it won't last. Three more weeks then the calendar opens up again. It's been a whirlwind loosing my wingman (mum) and supporting the kids through their dad leaving. Good enough by dodgey just came on my playlist. I guess that's my mantra for the next few weeks 😊🤷

OP posts:
DaisyFloop · 09/08/2024 21:06

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:44

I agree but he is their dad, the abuse was financial and on one occasion he raised a fist to my head but did not ever become physical, but verbal. A judge would order, even in these circumstances, that the childcare should be 50/50 though. I am playing devils advocate here... And I hear you. Loud and clear. But I am so tired... I love them so dearly but a 14 month age gap makes everyday very hard!

Most likely scenario is he has them every other weekend.
Why you would want to hand your kids over to an abusive man who doesn't want them is baffling though

Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:10

Well I don't know daisyfloop, perhaps because he is their dad and has parental responsibility? Because I want to work and pursue a career? Perhaps I think your comment is baffling?!!

OP posts:
DaisyFloop · 09/08/2024 21:15

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:10

Well I don't know daisyfloop, perhaps because he is their dad and has parental responsibility? Because I want to work and pursue a career? Perhaps I think your comment is baffling?!!

So it doesn't matter that he was abusive in front of the kids or that he raised his fist to you. Who cares what he does while they're in his care because you get to pursue a career? Wow.
Parenting is hard, especially when they have a shit dad but you still have to put your children first.

StormingNorman · 09/08/2024 21:19

Parenting alone is exhausting. But you don’t want your kids to be somewhere you’re not wanted. The fact that he’s their father will only make being unwanted hurt more.

At the moment you’re thinking about what you need and you should be thinking about what’s best for your DC. You have said already it their father is abusive and it won’t be a good environment for them.

Original poster
Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:24

Oh jesus. Good luck daisyfloop. This world is tough kid. And don't you ever, ever suggest my kids don't come first. You have absolutely no idea. Take your comments and take a hike. Just because a mother needs time to build herself, her finances, her career, her future, doesn't make her weak. It's a balance and there is always a goal. Harsh comments come with harsh replys. I'm not a flower 😄

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 09/08/2024 21:28

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:44

I agree but he is their dad, the abuse was financial and on one occasion he raised a fist to my head but did not ever become physical, but verbal. A judge would order, even in these circumstances, that the childcare should be 50/50 though. I am playing devils advocate here... And I hear you. Loud and clear. But I am so tired... I love them so dearly but a 14 month age gap makes everyday very hard!

In my experience a judge never issues 50/50 especially with such young children. You'd be looking at every other weekend and maybe once a week. With domestic abuse it would potentially start as one day a week supervised.
Also, he raised his fist but held back - maybe because you'd report him or fight back. Things your toddlers can't do. He's verbally abusive in front of the children and you had to call the police.
Is having a job or time to yourself worth the risk to your children?

DaisyFloop · 09/08/2024 21:29

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:24

Oh jesus. Good luck daisyfloop. This world is tough kid. And don't you ever, ever suggest my kids don't come first. You have absolutely no idea. Take your comments and take a hike. Just because a mother needs time to build herself, her finances, her career, her future, doesn't make her weak. It's a balance and there is always a goal. Harsh comments come with harsh replys. I'm not a flower 😄

The world is tough so I'll send my toddlers to be abused by their dad so I can have time to myself.

In what universe are your kids coming first with that attitude?

Mrsttcno1 · 09/08/2024 21:29

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:24

Oh jesus. Good luck daisyfloop. This world is tough kid. And don't you ever, ever suggest my kids don't come first. You have absolutely no idea. Take your comments and take a hike. Just because a mother needs time to build herself, her finances, her career, her future, doesn't make her weak. It's a balance and there is always a goal. Harsh comments come with harsh replys. I'm not a flower 😄

I don’t think this poster was suggesting the world wasn’t tough, but rather was pointing out that all of the things you mention like a building a career should come second to sending your young and defenceless children off to stay with an abusive man, one you called the police on, who you know doesn’t want them.

Of course in an ideal world he’d be a brilliant dad and step up, he’d want them 50/50, he’d give it his all, so that you could have the time you need. Unfortunately he’s not, he’s abusive and that’s not a safe environment to force a child into, no matter how much you may need a break.

It is hard OP, I really feel for you, but putting young children in the hands of an abusive man who doesn’t want them is not the right move

Singleandproud · 09/08/2024 21:31

Get in touch with Home start and see if they have volunteers that can help. It's what they are for.

You can't make him have them more andit seems like he is a terrible person to have them anyway.

What you need is a good and reliable babysitter. Or review how you spend your days to incorporate more 'me' time even if they are there.
Things like instead of having their music on have a podcast on you enjoy or a comedy show. Having other adults nattering helps reduce the loneliness even if they are on the radio/app.

Start training them for quiet time. This is part of a long game. We always had reading time, a warm drink and a couple of biscuits whilst I read to DD and then she would sit on the floor and 'read' whilst I read my own book often out loud to her and then we would play together when a song (alarm) went off on my phone. I gradually extended this until I got a good whack of time

DaisyFloop · 09/08/2024 21:36

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 21:24

Oh jesus. Good luck daisyfloop. This world is tough kid. And don't you ever, ever suggest my kids don't come first. You have absolutely no idea. Take your comments and take a hike. Just because a mother needs time to build herself, her finances, her career, her future, doesn't make her weak. It's a balance and there is always a goal. Harsh comments come with harsh replys. I'm not a flower 😄

I lost both of my parents a few years ago, had to flee dv to a refuge and have 2 severely disabled kids. I know how tough it is and I was trying to be polite in my comments but since you are not a flower; you are severely letting down your children, you are putting your wants before their needs. I have been at rock bottom and I asked social services to help because I had no-one, I have spent over a decade providing 24/7 care to my son and now in my mid thirties I am able to get a job. Its not what I wanted but life doesn't turn out how we want and if you have children you put them first regardless of however difficult it is.

SD1978 · 09/08/2024 21:50

You can't force someone to spend time with children they don't want to. It's the absurdity of the system, you can fight for time, or not to give time, but you can't force someone to take time. If he won't keep the,, then except for going to court, formalising it, and then breaching Jim, which will do nothing except possibly give you the opportunity to reduce the time he has them, you either accept this, or nothing

Sunburnisrareinscotland · 09/08/2024 21:55

My exh was verbally abusive. Smashed up our home but never hit me. He got one week end in 6 and Sat /Sunday every week. Dc were 2 and 3 - just 14 months apart.. For years I lived in actual fear he would kill them or be reckless with their lives.. Indeed 1 dc had 2 dangerous incidents.. 1 of which he kept from me and dc could have died.

His rage bubbled their whole childhood.. Until they went nc in early teens. The relief my dc were now safe was immense... Don't send your dc off voluntarily op. Please..

ElizabethCage · 09/08/2024 22:11

Yourusername3636 · 09/08/2024 20:38

It's been a turbulent year. I lost my mum, about three months after me and my children's dad truly separated but continued to live together. He had refused to leave our rented home. I had to call the police over his abusive behaviour towards me. Often in front of the children. He has suffered from gambling addiction. He left one week after my mum died, because he did not like her her and did not want to see her belongings in the house. He did not help or comfort me during this process. However, such a weight was lifted when he left. A leaving gift from my mum if you like. He now sees the two little ones three times a week, two hours for two days during the week and a few hours during one day at the weekend. He had brought them home early on occasion saying he cannot cope with them. I need more time for me, and he is adamant he won't have them more. Am I wrong to push this or should I let him figure out how he should spend more time with them in his own time? He is a grown man, works full time and has moved back in with extremely wealthy but insular family who will not help him with his issues but rather tell him he has no problems.

I would really like some more time for me, especially a night a week... Am I wrong to think this is something he should be doing? I will be looking at going back to teaching soon and really need a break, but feel huge guilt about sending my children off to this family that evidently struggle to look after them without getting extremely stressed out. Looking for any words of advice, comfort or empathy!

Just wanted to remind you of previous posts you've made about this man.

*He shouts and my eldest DC and makes her cry.

He punched the wall last week because I served a roast dinner in dishes on the table instead of plating it for him.

It's 1.30 in the morning and our DC wakes up crying saying owww" (he is currently sleeping on her room - which stinks of his cider breath). I go mad fetch her Calpol as I recognise the owww" to be pain, likely tummy ache. I pass it over and very loudly and clearly he tells me "F
"' OFF YOU VILE C
"T" on front of her.

He is wonderful in some ways with my eldest, but will also belittle her, blame her, shout and I always feel like I need to step on - which causes huge confrontations about why I don't support him etc

The damage he is causing to my eldest is huge... And the only way to help her is to separate*

And you WANT him to have 2 baby's unable to defend themselves or ask for help?