To want now ex to spend more time with our children even if he struggles...

[Yourusername3636]

It's been a turbulent year. I lost my mum, about three months after me and my children's dad truly separated but continued to live together. He had refused to leave our rented home. I had to call the police over his abusive behaviour towards me. Often in front of the children. He has suffered from gambling addiction. He left one week after my mum died, because he did not like her her and did not want to see her belongings in the house. He did not help or comfort me during this process. However, such a weight was lifted when he left. A leaving gift from my mum if you like. He now sees the two little ones three times a week, two hours for two days during the week and a few hours during one day at the weekend. He had brought them home early on occasion saying he cannot cope with them. I need more time for me, and he is adamant he won't have them more. Am I wrong to push this or should I let him figure out how he should spend more time with them in his own time? He is a grown man, works full time and has moved back in with extremely wealthy but insular family who will not help him with his issues but rather tell him he has no problems.

I would really like some more time for me, especially a night a week... Am I wrong to think this is something he should be doing? I will be looking at going back to teaching soon and really need a break, but feel huge guilt about sending my children off to this family that evidently struggle to look after them without getting extremely stressed out. Looking for any words of advice, comfort or empathy!

You are not wrong to think a father should be doing it. However, it is better for your children not to spend time with an abusive parent. He may not be hitting them, but he is, by your own admission, highly emotionally abusive. If I was in your place, I'd be contacting children's services about his abuse and going to court to get supervised visitation only. The less time he has with them the better. Surely you can see that.
Is there a relative or friend who could take the kids from time to time so you can get a rest?

I would also say be careful what you wish for …

These years are very intensive - it does get easier .

You are grieving but you set yourself up for another problem if he did have more contact..

I know you feel people are picking at you however the abusive behaviour is always more than financial or physical .. he will use his children not only to get at you but also your children .

Court wouldnt order him to do 50/50 childcare. You cant force him to have the kids at all and nor can the courts. Plenty of men dont see their kids.

Do you have any type of relationship with their grandparents?

OP, we are all going to give your head a massive wobble here. Most of us really don't want to shame you or belittle you.

But, you cannot seriously think someone that abusive, and he is severely abusive, is going to be safe for your little ones. I'd look at how incredibly lucky you are if his interest does fade. That's the best outcome in this situation because even if he came round and smacked you one tomorrow, I'm sure he'd get 50/50 if it went to Court. It's that bad out there from all I read.

Pull on every other single resource you have for help - that doesn't involve him or his family members. They sound like enablers.

So sorry about your mum. He sounds absolutely vile to consider what you've been through.

So you chose to have children with him he is abusive so you want an abusive person to spend more time with the children you had with an abusive person

Protect your kids someone needs too

It's hard I know, but this is the best possible scenario for your dc. At this age my ex wasn't interested either thankfully so I was able to protect them when small. Unfortunately he did reappear but they were at least a older and able to communicate issues. Court certainly didn't consider 50 50 though and he ended up with EOW and 1/3 of the holidays. Still not great but not the worst case. Yes my career and social life had to take a back seat and still does (youngest is still in primary school) and yes it's a shame we didn't choose better fathers, but it is what it is and they have to come first. As others have said I'd encourage it to fizzle out rather than try to push for more. A pushed abusive man can easily end up over the edge. That's terrifying with toddlers

How can you have a 14-month age gap? Typical pregnancy is 9 months. Unless there were early births?

Can you maybe apply to see if you’re eligible for funded nursery places? This would enable you to go to work and probably get an early night for them, meaning time to yourself. I know that’s not ideally the night to yourself you may want but could it be an option?
Also @AntikytheraMech the OP probably got pregnant when first baby was 5 months old. Resulting in a 14 month age gap 🤷‍♀️