Need advice please

[Marty2323]

I am after some impartial advice. I am 43 years old and been married for the last 8 years and with her for 12 years. However, the marriage is loveless, and i am immensely unhappy and have been for a long time now. The marriage has been over for a long time. We fight a lot and we are simply just living togetber.

We have 2 children. A son who's 8 with quite significant autism and a daughter who is 6 and on the spectrum slightly. My daughter regularly asks me why I'm sad and unhappy and it breaks my heart.

Now I know this is going to make me sounds like the arsehole so please hear me out.

I have been in a relationship with another woman for the last 2 and a half years. My wife knows and also knows that this woman is the love of my life, my other half and the person I want to be with for the rest of my days. Since we met I have planned to leave many many times but when the crunch comes, I cannot and the reason is that my wife just tells me very calmly that me leaving will damage my children hugely. Tells me how my daughter will cry for me and that even though our marriage isnt a marriage, she wants to keep me at the home for the sake of the family. She knows the right things to say to stop me leaving in the end and i end up letting my person down repeatedly at the last moment causing her huge upset and pain which I never ever want to do. I then obviosuly feel like staying was the right decision but then within days, i still feel the same unhappiness and then hughely sad that i have potentially lost the perosn i am incredibly happy with. She has been amazingly understanding but obviously doubts what I say sometimes as this has happened so much and she is obviously incredibly upset as we wsnt to be together and have our happiness.

I feel trapped between choosing my own happiness and being at the family home for my children.

Now for some extra information.
Me and my wife work school term times so are currently off due to the summer holidays. I was supposed to leave today but the conversation with my wife last night, went as before and I felt immense guilt around this damage she says will be caused. However, now would be the perfect timing to do this as I could use the remaining time of school holidays to get the children used to the idea and hopefully not impact them too much before school returns.

Also another thing I have to consider is would this actually be better for my children if I did leave.
They would have a happy dad when they did see me (which would be twice a week hopefully and every other full weekend). They wouldn't be seeing me and their mum arguing or bickering or see me unhappy and ask me why im sad. Also, my son who is quite autistic, would have new experiences and a whole new support system with my new partner. She also has a 4 year old daughter so fully understands the parental responsibilities and pressures. What if him having her in his life benefitted him and his development hugely? I could be denying him that opportunity by staying at the family home out of the fear of damaging my children as my wife says.

Please take out the part of my initial infidelity, that's irrelevant. My wife knows I'm in love with somsone else. Her only focus in wanting me to stay is for the children. She I suppose wonders maybe something will come back between us but i have told her it will not.

I know I'm not the only parent who has autistic children who has separated so please, can any other dads out there tell me how you've handled the separation and guilt element? Have you seen any significant damage to your children or have they flourished once they got used to the new normal?

Thanks in advance

From someone who has been left for another woman with two children and had her heart broken - just leave.

Your wife is trying to keep you in the marriage out of fear of hurting the children or fear of single parenthood being too hard but the reality is that children don’t truly understand adult relationships and likely think you and your wife don’t like each other. Arguing around them is also detrimental to their wellbeing.

Much better to have two parents who are happy but live apart than two parents who argue all the time and are sad but live together.

My ex and I talked to our 4 year old and just said Daddy won’t live here anymore but you’ll see him all the time and he loves you and it’s not your fault. Say this and repeat it every single time the children ask or doubt or get upset. All they want to know at that age are easily digestible facts and that they’re loved and when they’ll see or talk to those they love.

Don’t introduce the new relationship too soon. You have known and loved her for a long time but it’s important you introduce one huge change at a time for your children.

Be there and be kind and be supportive to your ex wife once you leave, it’s scary and hard being the one left alone without a happy new relationship to drop into - just be communicative and understanding and help as much as you can.

At the end of the day, your happiness has value and you need to put your needs first. As I say, I have been left for another woman and my ex is so much happier now he is in his new relationship that it rubs off on the kids and me and I am happy for him. Obviously I’m jealous and it sucks and it’s hard but every time I have a wobble I remind myself that everyone deserves to be happy and I didn’t make him happy. And the kids come first.

It'll get easier every day I promise. Look how many people’s parents aren’t together and how normal and healthy and happy they are and you’ll know it’s not as damaging as guilt will have you believe.

I understand how the situation you are in seems very overwhelming at the present time. However the advice you're looking for is very simple.

You are not happy, that is impacting your children right now, which is something you are wanting to avoid doing by leaving, but is already happening by you staying.

You may think you simply being there is better than you not being there, but what if the damage you're already doing to them by allowing them to see and hear bickering and arguments and seeing you unhappy has a lasting impact years down the line. By you leaving, you are removing that negativity they are being exposed to (and potentially damaged by) right now. They would instead have a joyful and stable father in their lives. Surely that is obviously the better decision?

Your own wellbeing is hugely important as a parent whether you're with the mother or separated. Quite likely, your mental health is taking a hamering given how long you have been feeling this way and the battles you are having around this decision.

All this would be relieved and you know how - by leaving.

You say you have a supportive partner to step into a new relationship with, which is amazing to have so fast. Many people separate and have to go it alone for a while so the fact that you already have a support network for yourself in your partner, and a stable environment for your kids to eventually be around should be a comfort to you, as well as your soon to be exwife honestly. What better environment for her kids to eventually be welcomed into? Seeing dad happy and stable and the advantage of a bonus sibling for them to learn from and interact with.

On the topic of the ex wife, I see you've wrote that she makes you see all the negatives about leaving with regards to the children. Of course she will! Even though she knows about your new partner, of course she isn't happy about it and doesn't want to face the reality of being a single mother either. Likely very jealous you would be walking away from her and the family home into this stable and loving set up. HOWEVER, that is selfish on her behalf. You say you've tried to leave many times before so I guess by now she knows just what to say to guilt you into staying and by using the reason of it being for the children's sake when actually it's also because she doesn't want her life to be turned upside down. Also, the fact she knows about your new partner and your feelings for her and is still accepting of you being in the family home is actually very alien! She wants you there for more than the kids sake I'm sure you can see that but it sounds like you're just hearing the scary stuff she's saying regarding the children and not seeing the larger picture.

As the other response to this said, children only need certain information and reassurances. They need to know they are loved, wanted, it's not their faults and when they will see each of you. And you stick to that, no matter what! If you decide to leave, never let them down.

Sorry this was such a long reply but I hope you find it helpful. It is a huge decision you have to make, but to an outsider, it does seem very clear cut. Leave, be happy yourself, your kids will benefit in the long run of your new stability and happiness and your ex wife will handle it in time. She will know that in the end, everyone is happy and not damaged! If she makes trouble if you do choose to leave, it doesn't mean you have to act in the same way she chooses to. You stay reasonable and always turn up for your kids and it'll all clam down sooner than you could imagine.

Nothing worth while in this life is ever easy I'm afraid, but it is always worth it.

Good luck

Now I know this is going to make me sounds like the arsehole so please hear me out.

Sorry, but you are an asshole, even after having “heard you out”.

However, the marriage is loveless

Of course it is! You’ve been fucking/prioritising/giving your best self to another woman for the better part of 3 years (in a short marriage of only 8 years FFS).

Please take out the part of my initial infidelity, that's irrelevant.

I disagree. It is relevant. You started this homewrecking business when your children were small. You chose to ignore your wedding vows.

This original post asked for advice. This isn't advice you have provided. Why you felt the need to comment if not to provide advice, but just to attack as you dont like or agree with this persons situation, is very immature.

I hope the original poster disregards your post and takes on board only genuine advice they receive.

Well thank goodness I’m a woman living in 2024 who doesn’t have to only give opinions that men want to hear, particularly when I see them mistreating fellow women.

I also don’t have to take a scolding from someone who doesn’t even know how to conjugate ‘to write’ in the English language.

Man, can I relate to this situation. 4 years ago I was in a very similar situation. I have a young lad, who is now 9, with another woman, and I was in a crumbled marriage. She was unhappy, I was unhappy. Very toxic atmosphere, neither of us was giving the other one attention or love, so I hold my hands up, I sought it elsewhere and started an affair with a client of mine (Let's call her Claire)

Long story short is, I fell in love with Claire, whilst still married. It broke my heart the thought of hurting my son by leaving, but then I had a light bulb moment, maybe he is already unhappy seeing me and his mum not getting on, and I could make him happier when I am happier.

So I put on my big boy pants and left the marriage, and started a new life with Claire. At first, I felt like the worst person in the world, but I kept reassuring him he is loved and cared for and as he's got older he's understood more why that decision was made and fast-forward 4 years, he has two happy family units.

His mum has moved on and found someone who makes her very happy, and Claire and I are also amazing together. So he gets extra spoilt and Christmas and birthdays, and all parties get on very well with no animosity. I've never seen my lad so happy.

I guess the point of me telling you this is, sometimes you need to play the long game to achieve happiness. You ought to put yourself first and by doing that you're also prioritising your kids, as they will be much happier if you are too.

Good luck with your decision-making!

Leaving a marriage does not have to equate to leaving the children. You can still be an active, present, loving parent, who just does not happen to live in the same house. Nobody gains from having parents who are wilting in their relationship in close quarters.

Not nice, and completely unnecessary.

which would be twice a week hopefully and every other full weekend

I can eventually put aside that you have been cheating on your wife for years, that you choose your own satisfaction over your wedding vows and your children’s stability, that you let your wife know about the infidelity, probably putting her in agony for now years, that you hesitate and dwindle like you were choosing an ice cream flavour, that you want to jump from one woman to the other, yet you expect both to coparent with you for your benefit, but the icing on the cake for me is that, on top of not even taking a decision, you want to be a Disney dad, with so little time offered post breakup while the needs of your kids are so high.

That’s where you’re losing me, you could at least come up with a plan which is equal in time, efforts and commitments and daily grudge to look after YOUR OWN kids after single-handed my breaking the family unit and tormenting them for years.

There is the quest for happiness and there’s selfishness, cowardice and laziness…

Sound post to a degree.

However we do not know what distance would be involved if he does leave. is he staying local or is there now a fair distance involved?

This might be an agreement they had already decided upon and works best for them, the kids routines, both of their work patterns taking it all into account.

It is not unusual for a dad to only see the kid/s every other weekend. If he can also see them during the week and that works, it's unfair to say thats laziness and cowardly.

Honestly leaving will impact the children. But the fact is you are already damaging them staying in this situation. The older they get the more they will pick up. You are teaching them your corrupt moral compass..and their mother is teaching them to stay and put up with this.

Just separate and do it as civilised as possible.

Like @Lmnop22 I too was the wife who was left by my husband for another woman. I knew the relationship was dead for many years but I tried all tactics to try and keep the family together thinking that was what you did. That that was the right thing to do.

But now a year down the line, looking back I did that out of my own fears. My kids (2 boys who are 5 and 8 (has mild autism also) and a girl 10)) adapted amazingly.

They know their dad loves them and also bonded very nicely with his partner. They know I love them. They have happy homes and parents. They see no more upset, arguing or unhappiness.

I now wish I'd seen the light at the first signs of trouble instead of wasting so many years of my own life, and my exs, keeping him in a situation until it was intolerable for all.

Now, him and I get on great. We are family and always will be.

I don't have much to do with his new partner but we are civil and I respect she's taken on my children into her life and treats them like her own.

My 8 year old with autism took a while but with autism, everything is routine. This just became his new routine and with the help of his siblings, he adapted nicely.

Do not waste your life. You're kids will be absolutely fine

Ugh so indulgent. My ex was like this although it didn’t come to a situation I knew and accepted. At the end of the day it sounds like raising kids with special needs was hard and like a lot of people.. it was easy to get outside attention and validation when your wife probably needed you most.

but let me guess you would come home to her being stressed out doing the majority of the parenting and saw a women on the side who was just so happy to see you that you put your attention there and over time resentment grew from both sides.

so you’ll leave like they do and be a Disney Dad whilst leaving your wife to most the parenting and you’ll look amazing for spending 15 percent at most of your time with them. But hey you’ll be happy right that’s what matters..

Are you taking the children with you?

Whether your a dad who lives with the mother, a dad who does 50/50, a 'Disney Dad' (such a horrid term) or a full time single dad, what does it matter as long as during that time you are being a good dad and supporting your children and there to do whatever you can for them and also be civil with the mother and support where you can.

A good dad is a good dad no matter what the time scales are.

And this is coming from a woman who is in this situation and is ok with the 'Disney Dad' set up as that works for all involved.

To be honest it’s the nicest term I can say on here.. your situation is probably different.
They were married a short time before he started an affair that has been going on for 3 years that is what’s horrible.
It doesn’t sound like the wife will be okay with this arrangement if she so desperately wants him to stay.

A Disney dad to me is a guy who starts a family finds it’s hard, starts an affair often to have his happy every after. Leaving the wife to raise the kid or children whilst he swoops in a few times a month at best and looks amazing to the world where it a mother did that it wouldn’t be seen the same way in fact I’ve never actually known a women do it..

Every persons experiences are so different. I was actually in a very similar time frame relationship/marriage to this person. A marriage/relationships quality can't be arrived at by simply the duration of time it lasts.

People change over time whether kids are invilved or not. That's the way of life.

If he was planning on walking away from his kids totally or just 'swooping in' now and again without structure, I totally understand your view point but it sounds like there would be a plan and structure in place if he did leave, especially around the child with additional needs. The plan may not be to everyone's taste but if it works it works

Let me guess….care to make a £100,000 bet?

😂

Not really necessary and not constructive in ananyway.

No one would agree it's in any child's benefit for either parent to 'take' the children (unless there is abuse, danger etc involved which in this case i assume there is not).

Mum and Dad should be able to co-parent even if threlationship fails.

Children aren't object to 'take with you'.

Grow up

That’s fair enough everyone is responding with their opinions and personal life experience. That’s mums net.

I don’t think he should stay with her but it doesn’t sound like him leaving jumping into a relationship and seeing the kids a few times a month is what his wife is fine with or even best for their kids.

I have been through similar and currently supporting a friend in what sounds like the same situation who also has autistic children who is okay one minute then wanting to end her life the next.

Sounds like she is probably not in the best mental state that she thinks it’s best he stays living in the house she is obviously desperate and doesn’t want to parent the children 90 percent of the time by herself which is what his plan so far sounds like. He could move out spend 50/50 given he has stated they have the same job and holidays..

And yes people drift apart but they don’t usually have an affair for like 3 years that’s past the norms of just falling out of love.
I feel for his wife and as she will be looking after their children for most of the time how is that going to end up on their kids?
Sure daddy will look happy but how is their mum going to seem?

It’s indulgent he’s saying to ignore the infidelity like it has no relevance.

He is already wondering how this ow will be apart of their lives she has a 4 year old so she knows how to look after an additional two with autism. Yeah I’m sure it will work out fine.
Classic case of the grass being greener looks like to me..

He could easily move out, rent local and focus on the transition for the kids and support his wife who her wellbeing is a big factor of their children’s well being, but it seems he’s more focused on the ‘love of his life’ and his need to be with her.

Very valid post. It goes to show we don't know all side of individuals stories.

You'd like to think that even if he does decide to leave, his intentions are not to totally cut off the support to the mother of his kids. Simple as the relationship as a marriage has failed doesn't stop them being family.

The fact he is asking for advice and guidance seems like he is trying to navigate this very unusual/difficult situation he has put himself in to be the least damaging as it can be.

With having the same jobs, yes would like to assume that during holidays etc the time he is present with the children would be of an equal split, or as close as it could be given their new circumstances.

Moving out and renting alone is not always possible due to finances. Especially if he will also then be having to pay maintenance, renting and all that come with that might not be possible. But who knows? If it was then yes, that is simply the obvious choice to go down.

I agree the kids shouldn't be introduced to the ow too soon but it is good he has stability if he leaves. Better than just sofa surfing surely or bankrupting himself renting and being lonely and then not being in any better situation than if he was there still.

The whole current situation at home sounds toxic and she cannot be happy either so if he did decide to leave, at least he is stable and can then provide support to mum in the best way possible and the kids know they have a second home as a family (eventually).

You dont have to live under the same roof with mum and dad still together to be a family.

It's beyond a difficult situation this man has landed himself in. However it is his choice how it works out from here but I think as its so toxic as it is and he isn't invested in the marriage, leave now, start a fresh and be the best version of yourself you can be and make this change you've decided for the family as easy and kind as possible for all involved.

Having read your post a few times, to put it simply and bluntly - just leave.

As already said by a few others, children adapt, even ones with additional needs.
It is the parents job to guide them through this difficult time when a couple split and should be made as easy for them as possible. Whether this is the decision both parties are happy about or not, the kids don't need to see any more fallings out. Handle it with dignity and respect.

You're doing more harm by staying and creating a toxic home environment for all involved, let alone how on earth this woman you say you're in love with and plan on being with must be feeling for all this time.

Now Is the time to grow some balls mate and do the right thing finally for everybody involved. Leave. Be a great dad AND be a happy human

You're a dick, and a coward. You're probably stuck being a dick, but you can stop being a coward.

End your marriage, your wife deserves better.

@TakeMeDancing
Harsh!
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