Need advice please

[Marty2323]

I am after some impartial advice. I am 43 years old and been married for the last 8 years and with her for 12 years. However, the marriage is loveless, and i am immensely unhappy and have been for a long time now. The marriage has been over for a long time. We fight a lot and we are simply just living togetber.

We have 2 children. A son who's 8 with quite significant autism and a daughter who is 6 and on the spectrum slightly. My daughter regularly asks me why I'm sad and unhappy and it breaks my heart.

Now I know this is going to make me sounds like the arsehole so please hear me out.

I have been in a relationship with another woman for the last 2 and a half years. My wife knows and also knows that this woman is the love of my life, my other half and the person I want to be with for the rest of my days. Since we met I have planned to leave many many times but when the crunch comes, I cannot and the reason is that my wife just tells me very calmly that me leaving will damage my children hugely. Tells me how my daughter will cry for me and that even though our marriage isnt a marriage, she wants to keep me at the home for the sake of the family. She knows the right things to say to stop me leaving in the end and i end up letting my person down repeatedly at the last moment causing her huge upset and pain which I never ever want to do. I then obviosuly feel like staying was the right decision but then within days, i still feel the same unhappiness and then hughely sad that i have potentially lost the perosn i am incredibly happy with. She has been amazingly understanding but obviously doubts what I say sometimes as this has happened so much and she is obviously incredibly upset as we wsnt to be together and have our happiness.

I feel trapped between choosing my own happiness and being at the family home for my children.

Now for some extra information.
Me and my wife work school term times so are currently off due to the summer holidays. I was supposed to leave today but the conversation with my wife last night, went as before and I felt immense guilt around this damage she says will be caused. However, now would be the perfect timing to do this as I could use the remaining time of school holidays to get the children used to the idea and hopefully not impact them too much before school returns.

Also another thing I have to consider is would this actually be better for my children if I did leave.
They would have a happy dad when they did see me (which would be twice a week hopefully and every other full weekend). They wouldn't be seeing me and their mum arguing or bickering or see me unhappy and ask me why im sad. Also, my son who is quite autistic, would have new experiences and a whole new support system with my new partner. She also has a 4 year old daughter so fully understands the parental responsibilities and pressures. What if him having her in his life benefitted him and his development hugely? I could be denying him that opportunity by staying at the family home out of the fear of damaging my children as my wife says.

Please take out the part of my initial infidelity, that's irrelevant. My wife knows I'm in love with somsone else. Her only focus in wanting me to stay is for the children. She I suppose wonders maybe something will come back between us but i have told her it will not.

I know I'm not the only parent who has autistic children who has separated so please, can any other dads out there tell me how you've handled the separation and guilt element? Have you seen any significant damage to your children or have they flourished once they got used to the new normal?

Thanks in advance

Ok so your advice is stay, don't be selfish in finding happiness, stay and make everyone miserable!

I'm not sure how to edit my post to add, I think nothing of anyone who stays in a relationship they no longer want to be in.

I think you are just dragging out the inevitable and this
It's be a toxic atmosphere for the children. Just leave. The kids will probably be happier once the dust has settled. Fast forward two years and your wife will see it was for the best. She will move on aswell and have a chance to be happy. Good luck and make sure your kids are your first priority once you leave.

Can you and ow move close by so you can still do the practical help like bedtimes and cooking meals for the kid (if you're allowed into the family home- assume you will be as that's basically the situation now) but you sleep at your new house, and you take turns at the weekends. You could do nesting at first so it's not too much change for the children.

You won't be the first couple with autistic kids to divorce there are loads of social stories etc out there to help

What your girlfriend sees in you is beyond me. I wish she would wake the fuck up and stop living this absolute farce.

Spot on comment right here

The informative replies you've already had pretty much say everything I would have said myself.

This is the reality you're in now and i think you know that the right choice for all in the long run is for you to leave.

Your happiness as a parent impacts your kids. If you're happy they will be happy.

You know you haven’t done this the right way round. You ideally should leave for you. Not for someone else if you are unhappy. Yes your children will be hurt. Your child with asd will struggle with the change. Your daughter knows you are sad. It took my children a long time to get used to the change. Was life simpler when we lived in the same house -yes. But I think as adults we are happier apart and would never go back. Tread carefully. You need to leave. Your wife sounds like she needs support. You need to care for your children even if you are apart. They don’t need to meet your gf until they are ready.

If you are going to do this then surely you should have your kids for 50% of the time! Why would you not?

I feel sorry for the all women involved here.

You need to grow a backbone and pick one mate. Is your wife also having an affair? I can't think of any other reason why she's putting up with this shit.

Why did you not discuss your marriage issues and make a fair clean equal break before running off to some other woman? Why was that need greater than your kids and their additional needs? Romanticising your post isn’t washing with me.

I understand your wife’s fears. It’s a huge weight to carry but as usual the dad fucks off and leaves the primary care to mum. If the shoe was on the other foot I’m sure you’d be shitting it too.

Nevertheless it’s probably wiser for you to leave but your wife and children will need support.

You need to leave- for the good of your poor wife, who for whatever reason isn't brave enough to do it herself, and for your poor kids living in this toxic environment. To be honest it sounds like you're having your cake and eating it at the moment with the occasional episodes of guilt creeping in. Maybe I'm being cynical but I'm not convinced you're staying for the kids. You know the upheaval leaving will cause both financially and emotionally. You'll probably be expected to father more babies soon, your kids will act out, your new partner will probably be paranoid at first, checking your phone constantly as she knows you have form for cheating. Still, move out for your family's sake and then get therapy to work on yourself so that you can really commit to this new relationship and the challenges you'll face in future.

At the moment everyone is suffering by your saying in the maria home.

Your wife is tormented that you don't love her and every time you go out of the door she must feel sick that you're off to see your girlfriend.

You are miserable.

Your daughter can see the unhappiness of her parents and that will be causing her anxiety.

Your girlfriend is in limbo and won't hang in forever.

By leaving, it's going to cause some upset for a short period of time until the dust settles.

Your wife can grieve and move on leaving her free to meet the man of her dreams.

Your children will get used to two separate homes.

You and the girlfriend get to be together.

Stop letting your wife manipulate you and take charge of the awful, awful situation.

Hi @Marty2323

Sounds like quite a difficult situation you find yourself in.

Whilst I don't agree with your infidelity, I do sympathise with your situation and even the fact you're here being fully transparent and asking for advice shows that you are wanting change for the better.

I honestly think your happiness should be a priority, I'm sure the kids may hurt in the short term, but as you get older and they get older, wounds heal. Providing you still be their father and don't abandon them, All is bound to be ok, but given your children's needs, it's imperative you support them.

As other people have said, you can certainly achieve happiness in different family units. Lots of families achieve this and you are not different.

I think you need ought to make yourself happy for everyone else involved. I'm sure this new woman doesn't like you being away from her with another woman, so I would advice to stop prolonging the pain everyone is being put through and make a decision.

I 100% disagree with your choices leading you to have put everyone involved in this situation. But you're in it now so it is what it is.

The best way to rectify this for EVERYONE is for you to leave the marriage.

You clearly now need to make this decision because if that was me, I wouldn't be putting up with that situation as your wife or your other woman.

Have you thought about how "the love of your life" feels everytime you say you've tried to leave? If you're not careful, you'll damage this new relationship before it even gets off the ground properly!

No matter your choice here, it'll be hard. But to me, it's clear the correct path here is for you to leave.

If you choose to stay, you're going to eventually lose the supposed love of your life. She won't put up with this for much longer surely? Who would? For the sake of the kids, both women and your damn self, stop thinking and start doing.

Your kids will love you no matter what. You are there dad and nothing changes that. They don't care where you live. They care that you love them and you are in their life being happy and healthy and present.

Choose what's going to make you happier in the long term and don't be guilted into a choice out of uncertainty of the short term while the dust settles.

Transitions like this happen all the time. Your situation isn't any different to many other families even if the kids have special needs.

Have you ever thought this could be a huge benefit to your children to have a larger extended family? More positive influences and support for young children (especially ones with special needs) surely is a positive.

In short. Locate your balls and your spine and do the right thing after all this time and leave now

Hi all

First of all I’d better introduce myself - I’m the wife!! I’ve been sent this thread by the woman on the side, I’m guessing as some kind of nasty vendetta. I won’t be replying to any of your comments, I just wanted to give the honest truth to a much debated and heartbreaking situation.

In the interests of transparency, the whole post you read was in fact written by the other woman (she herself admits this). It gives an incredibly one sided, uninformed version of events & as you can probably tell; it paints her in a very pleasant rose tinted light with me as the antagonist.

Some elements are true. There has been adultery on and off for almost 3 years (I have been 100% faithful from our very first date) - my personal position within this marriage now is not up for discussion. But to balance the scales please read if you have the time….

Since our son was born 8 years ago (followed by a daughter 2 years later), I suffered terribly with post natal depression. Following the birth of each of my babies I was forced to return to work after only 6 weeks maternity leave both times (as I was the breadwinner)… back into a full time, stressful job. No wonder I was shot to pieces!! Treading water was all I could manage and yes probably my husband got neglected whilst I held down the role of boss, mother and housekeeper. At no point does that justify an affair.

Add to this mix cancer diagnoses, parental bereavement, autism diagnosis, Covid, losing our home, I could go on….

This is where we get to the horrid part. In 2021 my husband hit a point where he was feeling sorry for himself and not getting enough attention (I accept I was pouring my whole cup into our small children and trying to navigate a new life with autism now in our locker). He got himself convinced I was having an affair due to lack of intimacy, so he thought he would even the score.

Anyway they began talking online, met up and decided to embark upon an affair behind my back. I found a message from her and confronted him - we talked at length about how we ended up in this position & I accepted the part I played. He asked for another chance and I agreed.

Unfortunately life has continued to be turbulent and we’ve hit many bumps along the way. Our marriage isn’t loveless, I can wholeheartedly assure you that, our life is just extremely regimented, restrictive & due to being a family dealing with additional needs and learning disabilities, we lost each other whilst putting our son first. Well I did…

* side note, this woman referred to my precious son as “quite autistic” which is a disgustingly disrespectful way to speak about him and actually outrageous given that she’s never met him*

The other woman has failed to mention that she knew about our difficult situation and yet continued to be involved. My husband has mental health issues & acts recklessly / self destructively at times. His coping strategy is flight not fight - not a characteristic of his I like or am proud of but I do acknowledge it. He himself shamefully admits that he stays in touch and keeps her sweet because she is a place to stay when the pressure gets too much here.

I give you my word that my husband has NEVER once told me he loves this woman. If he did I would have sent him off and moved on myself. Each time he runs into her tragically available arms, I completely disengage (apart from updates when he asks how the kids). No calls, no texts, no invites to come over. He ALWAYS asks to come home every time following a meltdown. And perhaps foolishly, I let him. But I have my reasons.

She on the other hand begs him to stay (he suggested putting his speakerphone on in his pocket when he went to tell her it was over - I heard it all) and she plays childish games like putting underwear in his pocket and spraying her perfume all over his clothes. THOSE are the actions of a woman clinging to something, something I would never do. It’s very desperate and toxic.

I can be judged for allowing him to return, but please understand we have two children with additional needs, a 9yr marriage (12 years together), a house, a mortgage, a life. That’s not just something to throw away. And if I thought we couldn’t turn a sad situation into a bright future, I wouldn’t waste anyone’s time.

There have been ZERO occasions when I have used my children to blackmail or emotionally bully my husband - I don’t need to, he adores them. Sadly his actions are setting a poor example, however the little ones are being shielded from this and are unaware of what’s been going on. I have made that my priority throughout all of this to ensure they are protected.

My husband needs help and to take accountability for his terrible actions… and will be supported to do so. As for the other woman, scorned and bitter is the result.

With all that said, I can post this here knowing that the hateful misconception of me is utterly false & has been fabricated to meet her narrative. Read it back, you’ll see…..

Thanks for the love. I wish you all the best 🫶🏼