Sorry long post but am venting!
Something happened recently that has left me feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards my PIL. I currently feel that I never want to see/speak to them again but I know it’s not realistic and I need to have some kind of relationship with them for DH and DS’s sake.
I need a way to move forward without feeling angry at them and having as little contact as possible. Leading up to this I’d already hidden our WhatsApp group so I can’t see their messages, DH can respond if/when he wants. DH drops off DS at theirs/picks him up if they are having DS for the day/night. And if we have any get togethers I try and stick to neutral topics and plaster on a smile.
If I had to list all their behaviours/incidents that’s left me feeling this way I’d be on forever.
I would describe DH and I as pretty laid back. We don’t ask for things from our parents other than occasional babysitting if there is an event we’re both invited to. It is very rare we ask and often we are asked by our parents if they can have DS more as they love seeing him so it’s a win win. We all live in the same area. Our parents both have DS for an evening and a day each a week. This helps us out with childcare and we are so lucky and grateful, but they also do it because they want to see DS and enjoy it.
We have supported PIL when they’ve been sick, through family bereavements. Prioritised seeing them at Christmas over my parents, get thoughtful birthday/Christmas gifs, send pics of DS all the time. Invited them to baby/toddler classes, had them round when I was on mat leave at least twice a week as minimum and they spent time with DS loads on their own too when they could.
It is still not enough though!!
DH will tackle any behaviours from his parents that are particularly poor but for minor things, his default is to placate PIL because it makes life easier. If you don’t placate you get passive aggressive messages/comments, emotional manipulation and defensiveness. He has learnt over the years that it is not worth the stress. Once his parents disagreed with him over something trivial and it ended up in a big row, they didn’t speak to each other for weeks. They caused the row and kept pushing the issue, it was over something genuinely trivial.
We recently had to make a decision involving us, PIL and DS. The final decision definitely made our lives a bit easier but also benefited PIL. We made the decision taking into account the bigger picture. MIL was not happy, cue the above behaviours. DH was stressed about it. He has since explained the decision to PIL and they now understand why it was made. It came out that they think my parents spend more time with DS than them and this upsets them. It isn’t the case, in fact because of how they behave I think they probably see DS slightly more. But DS isn’t a doll to take turns with, he’s a human being and he is our son. I have felt pressured since DS was born, for them to spend more time with him and suspected they felt this way although the never said it. I have found their behaviour pretty suffocating to be honest and it has negatively impacted how I think of them.
I feel like a mug for making so much effort to include them over the last few years and still they feel it’s not enough. I’m pleased the issue was resolved in that DH isn’t stressed out but I’m left feeling angry because although this incident is now sorted in his head, their behaviours have not been called out. I know there will be a next time and I’m fed up with it all. 😩
Any words of advice?