Relationship with in-laws

[Badjoojooafoot]

Sorry long post but am venting!

Something happened recently that has left me feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards my PIL. I currently feel that I never want to see/speak to them again but I know it’s not realistic and I need to have some kind of relationship with them for DH and DS’s sake.

I need a way to move forward without feeling angry at them and having as little contact as possible. Leading up to this I’d already hidden our WhatsApp group so I can’t see their messages, DH can respond if/when he wants. DH drops off DS at theirs/picks him up if they are having DS for the day/night. And if we have any get togethers I try and stick to neutral topics and plaster on a smile.

If I had to list all their behaviours/incidents that’s left me feeling this way I’d be on forever.

I would describe DH and I as pretty laid back. We don’t ask for things from our parents other than occasional babysitting if there is an event we’re both invited to. It is very rare we ask and often we are asked by our parents if they can have DS more as they love seeing him so it’s a win win. We all live in the same area. Our parents both have DS for an evening and a day each a week. This helps us out with childcare and we are so lucky and grateful, but they also do it because they want to see DS and enjoy it.

We have supported PIL when they’ve been sick, through family bereavements. Prioritised seeing them at Christmas over my parents, get thoughtful birthday/Christmas gifs, send pics of DS all the time. Invited them to baby/toddler classes, had them round when I was on mat leave at least twice a week as minimum and they spent time with DS loads on their own too when they could.

It is still not enough though!!

DH will tackle any behaviours from his parents that are particularly poor but for minor things, his default is to placate PIL because it makes life easier. If you don’t placate you get passive aggressive messages/comments, emotional manipulation and defensiveness. He has learnt over the years that it is not worth the stress. Once his parents disagreed with him over something trivial and it ended up in a big row, they didn’t speak to each other for weeks. They caused the row and kept pushing the issue, it was over something genuinely trivial.

We recently had to make a decision involving us, PIL and DS. The final decision definitely made our lives a bit easier but also benefited PIL. We made the decision taking into account the bigger picture. MIL was not happy, cue the above behaviours. DH was stressed about it. He has since explained the decision to PIL and they now understand why it was made. It came out that they think my parents spend more time with DS than them and this upsets them. It isn’t the case, in fact because of how they behave I think they probably see DS slightly more. But DS isn’t a doll to take turns with, he’s a human being and he is our son. I have felt pressured since DS was born, for them to spend more time with him and suspected they felt this way although the never said it. I have found their behaviour pretty suffocating to be honest and it has negatively impacted how I think of them.

I feel like a mug for making so much effort to include them over the last few years and still they feel it’s not enough. I’m pleased the issue was resolved in that DH isn’t stressed out but I’m left feeling angry because although this incident is now sorted in his head, their behaviours have not been called out. I know there will be a next time and I’m fed up with it all. 😩

Any words of advice?

Honestly, there are times where I would rather pay for extra nursery days, also, I am not joking when I say that if we had said DS was going to go to nursery full time when I finished maternity, there would have been dramatics, they would not have liked it. I think I pushed for not backtracking on this occasion because one I’d had enough and two I was also thinking of the future. I don’t want to be having to worry about who goes to what event and whose feelings get hurt. Worse still, I don’t want to ever have a situation where we do all the fun stuff with PIL because my parents dont kick up a fuss and PIL would. It wouldn’t be fair.

Honestly it is a DH problem , but until he can see how manipulative and controlling they are this problem will not go away.

PIL used to see LO during maternity every week, they would usually turn up very late from there ETA , moan about everything and expect a lunch when other half was at work. I didn't really get a break or time to catch up on jobs etc, it just created more work for me. So I could not plan to go out or had to cancel plans to go out. They made out like they were doing me a favour 🫠. It would never have worked after Covid so just told other half to take little one round over the weekend. He rarely can be bothered to go and his PIL aren't too bothered as they will just have to cater for them also. (Both retired 10 plus years - early retirement). Obviously more stuff happened with them but won't bore you with that.

I have just stepped back from it all and rarely engage in conversation as I just find it all so bizarre.

Gosh if that made you mad you’d be furious if I listed all the other things, it’s not actually funny but sometimes it is so ridiculous when I think about it that it does make be laugh! I guess if I didn’t laugh about it I’d cry.

Once, FIL hung up on DH then gave him the silent treatment for 20 mins when we met up later that day because DH didn’t reply to his mums text quick enough. She sent it in the morning to confirm plans for a meet up that afternoon. DS was a baby so we were taking it in turns to get ready and he’d missed it. They gave it half an hour before FIL rang. We thought there was something wrong and had confirmed the time at least 4 times through the week, verbally when we saw them and through text! 😂 we just ignored it, didn’t pander, FIL then carried on like normal and it was never addressed or spoken of again

I completely agree that we don’t have to justify our decisions. And I don’t think anybody should pander any more.

I guess my post is about how I deal with this in my head, how I distance myself so I feel better but don’t make it into a huge issue that PIL then pull DH up on it.

While it’s good for DH that he is no longer stressed as that tension has gone, in my own head I’m feeling angry about the situation because their behaviours haven’t been called out. Angry that DH has felt he has had to justify his position. Frustrated that they feel they don’t have as much time with DS as my parents and have verbalised this to DH. While it validates what I’ve suspected all along, I feel angry that they have been applying this pressure.

I don’t think DH will continue to pander in this way without losing his temper and therefore causing a fall out, i don’t really want that to happen. But if it did (as I can’t see their behaviours changing) I would be more than happy to increase the nursery days or amend my working pattern to cover the extra day. But I’d prefer that there isn’t a fall out

They are bullies. Controlling bullies.

@BlastedPimples on the flip side though, they can be lovely, DS absolutely loves them, they take him out places, make a fuss of him. I genuinely liked spending time with them. There were some things they did pre having DS that I didn’t think was right. I sometimes felt they put too much pressure on DH to visit/call. He worked shifts for a shit company, sometimes night shifts, 8 to 10 in a row and that could impact the regularity of contact, generally it was at least one or two calls a week and a visit if shifts allowed. And sometimes I wouldn’t understand why he would be reluctant to suggest amendments to plans. It is since having DS where I saw the negative behaviours more.

Of course they can be lovely. Abusive people have to keep a balance to make sure you keep coming back.

If they were vile all the time, you'd scarper.

But by making sure they are only awful some of the time, you make excuses for their behaviour. "It's only sometimes." It's inexcusable.

Why are their lives so empty that they are always looking to their adult son and gs to fill it?

I don’t know, they really pretty much do everything together. I think MIL has one or two friends. Not sure about FIL. They are friendly with a couple of neighbours. It has crossed my mind a few times that they haven’t a lot going on. I think if they had other hobbies it would help.