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Original poster

Unblended family

33 replies

DowntonTrout · 09/08/2024 10:15

My DP and I are both divorced from our previous spouses after long marriages. Neither of us were anything to do with the breakups and did not meet until after his divorce and I had been separated for 18 months. We both have grown up children between the ages of 22 and 35. Since we have been living together none of our children have lived with us. They are all adults, with their own lives, living in various parts of the country, none nearer than 2 hours away, one is abroad.
I have a much closer relationship with my children than DP does with his as they blame him for leaving their mum 7 years ago and I can see it's been difficult for them. We have never had the opportunity to bond and they can be quite dismissive of me. I'm always happy to see them or have them to stay and make them welcome but it feels like they don't really want to have a relationship with me. Our respective children have never met each other.
2 of my children and their partners are great, visit often or we go there, have all done Christmases together etc and are totally accepting and friendly with DP.
My other DD has been less so. She doesn't "get" DP, And he doesn't get her. They seem to dislike each other. DP is critical of her parenting, rightly so sometimes, and has made comments and DD has gone off in a huff etc. On each of the 3 times she has come to stay there has been something that has triggered a fall out and creates tension.
There is a huge backstory with DD and while I won't go into it too much here, she has caused me many problems over the years. However she is my daughter and I love her and my grandkids.
Last night I saw a status on DP's FB about psychopaths and asked him what he'd posted it for? He said "well we both know one" and after some pushing he said it was my DD. I'm stunned. I found it inappropriate and completely passive aggressive and said that was not the way to communicate his feelings. Then he proceeded to go through every event over the last 2 years where he felt she was in the wrong. ie, didn't put a nappy on my granddaughter (4 yo) and she wet the bed, allowed granddaughter to run around the kitchen with a doll in a pram and he was tired. Said she told lies and exaggerated about being injured at work (behavioural school, got a black eye, have seen the pictures) and much more. I asked if this was his red line as at the end of the day she comes with me, will always be my daughter and if he doesn't feel he can just put these things aside for the short periods she visits (maybe 2 nights, twice a year) then we should call it a day.
I should say, the last visit, I took DD and kids out, kept them busy away from our home, without DP to avoid tension. He says it makes him so stressed, he doesn't feel he can discuss it with me because I will always take her side and he's always waiting for the next thing.
I on the other hand feel that while I do try and smooth things over and avoid confrontation between them do put my DD straight if I think she's in the wrong and can see both sides. I feel he should support me instead of making things awkward, get through it and then think "phew, they've gone, I can relax and forget about it for a few months now." But I don't know if that's an unreasonable expectation. I'm stuck in the middle here and don't really know how to handle it. On the one had, DD can be difficult but also funny, kind, supportive and does make an effort, not always successfully. . On the other DP sensitive, very straight, brought up very strictly, inflexible and doesn't have a close relationship with his kids. This whole thing is making me dislike him. Can we make this work or do I have to choose between them? Obviously it would have to mean the end of mine and DP's relationship.

OP posts:
Shallysally · 09/08/2024 10:23

Ex and my DD had similar opinions
of each other. He sounds similar to your partner. DD was a child and it wasn’t healthy for her to be in that situation.
It was the main factor for me ending the relationship.

It’s hard work being the peace maker, and the situation isn’t likely to improve. It would be a deal breaker for me. It’s not a case of choosing between them, more do you want to be in a relationship with a man who can’t keep his feelings to himself knowing they hurt yours.

And to call your DD a psychopath, that’s unacceptable.

LBFseBrom · 09/08/2024 11:32

Your daughter doesn't sound like a psychopath to me, does your partner even know the real meaning of the label, Downton? It means someone with absolutely no conscience whatsoever. He should not have said that.

I am sorry you have this problem with your respective children and partner but thank goodness they are all grown up and not living with you.

If you want to continue living with this man, maybe go and visit the daughter in question rather than her come to stay at yours, if that is feasible.

However, though I understand his frustration, I would find it difficult to get past the 'psychopath' comment - and online too, it's not even as if he just uttered to you spontaneously in your home. That is unpleasant.

Perhaps you need to question the viability of your relationship. This problem will resurface from time to time.

Good luck, you seem like a thoughtful, caring person and deserve good things (& people) in your life.

Prawncow · 09/08/2024 11:37

Are your daughter’s children your only grandchildren?

yeesh · 09/08/2024 11:45

He sounds awful. A four year old wetting the bed isn’t a big deal and neither is her playing with a pram and her dolls when a grown man is tired. There is a reason his own children don’t like him

TomeTome · 09/08/2024 11:45

None of the things you’ve listed as dds sins are in any way unusual or awful. I think your dp sounds ghastly. Why does he think he can comment on your dds parenting, it sounds like he didn’t/doesn’t parent his own? To be honest the fact you are with him doesn’t give him any more input to dds life than your neighbour. I would be furious if someone called my child a psychopath. He could apologise if he meant it but I would find it hard to get over.

Butwhybecause · 09/08/2024 11:52

DP is critical of her parenting, rightly so sometimes, and has made comments and DD has gone off in a huff etc. None of his business, quite frankly.

He sounds just ghastly, stalking your DD on FB and putting a serious metal health label on her - why are you with this man?
DP sensitive Sensitive? Selfish and self-centred but not sensitive to your needs.

If you value any relationships at all with your DC and DG, give him the boot.

negomi90 · 09/08/2024 11:55

None of those parenting examples you give of your DD are unreasonable.
4 year olds have accidents, if they are normally dry at night they don't need to be in a nappy.
They also can play happily and push a pram around, an adult being tired should not stop them playing. If someone was cooking in the kitchen and there was a safety issue, then that should be the complaint, not the child playing near a tired adult.

Being upset about getting a black eye at work is also reasonable.

The examples you report you DH giving of your DD's bad behaviour just make him look like the problem, not her.

greenwoodentablelegs · 09/08/2024 11:58

Sounds like he needs to choose. You tell him to make an effort with DD or leave when she visits, and not slag her off. If he can’t control himself then he needs to leave. Only he can change his behaviour

MoveToParis · 09/08/2024 12:01

I also tend to think he is really quite immature. Does he react badly to all stressors? It does seem that he really chooses not to cope with the variety of people that life brings.

Could it be a case that your daughter “has the measure of him” and feels he isn’t someone who has earned her friendship or respect. It does come across that he doesn’t feel he owes her any respect as an adult with her own life, that he sees himself as her “elder and better” in which case he can get stuffed.

SamW98 · 09/08/2024 12:08

Sorry OP but your partner sounds like an absolutely judgemental prick who is very quick to point out others faults but doesn’t seem aware of his own.

Theres a reason why his own adult kids don’t want much to do with him - they good judges of character by sounds of it.

And the way he’s spoken about your DD - no that’s unacceptable. I couldn’t be with a man like this in a million years.

WhatNoRaisins · 09/08/2024 12:12

He sounds like a really difficult character OP. Besides the sort of safeguarding stuff a decent stranger would report why does he care so much about your DDs parenting. Does he just like picking a fight?

Babbahabba · 09/08/2024 12:15

Your daughter's parenting is nothing to do with him (unless she was being abusive etc), so he shouldn't even be passing comment on it, let alone making thinly veiled Facebook posts about it. Maybe this is why his own kids don't have much to do with him. He sounds an unpleasant character and I think you need to have a good think about whether you want to stay with this man and the impact it will have on your relationship with your daughter/grandkids.

MtClair · 09/08/2024 12:16

She certainly doesn’t sound like a psychopath.
But also, she is an adult. He has no to tell her off about the way she does things, unless her child is clearly at risk.
Im not surprised your dd has an issue with him!

The only way to ease things off is if he is leaving the house when she is visiting. But even then, you’ll know what he thinks of her. And I’m not sure I’d be able to live with that (and the PA of his behaviour. Can he not express his feelings like a mature adult?)

MtClair · 09/08/2024 12:22

Btw it sounds like you are ‘putting your dd straight’ in part because he is telling her off and has issue that he thinks ‘needs addressing’ as if she was still a child.

This, in itself, could well create issues with your dd down the line. Because my latents telling me doing things this way rather than that way might be a helpful comment. But I’d have had major issues with my mum ‘putting me straight’ on my parenting because I dont do things the same way than her.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 09/08/2024 12:55

LBFseBrom · 09/08/2024 11:32

Your daughter doesn't sound like a psychopath to me, does your partner even know the real meaning of the label, Downton? It means someone with absolutely no conscience whatsoever. He should not have said that.

I am sorry you have this problem with your respective children and partner but thank goodness they are all grown up and not living with you.

If you want to continue living with this man, maybe go and visit the daughter in question rather than her come to stay at yours, if that is feasible.

However, though I understand his frustration, I would find it difficult to get past the 'psychopath' comment - and online too, it's not even as if he just uttered to you spontaneously in your home. That is unpleasant.

Perhaps you need to question the viability of your relationship. This problem will resurface from time to time.

Good luck, you seem like a thoughtful, caring person and deserve good things (& people) in your life.

Completely. Psychopath is wrong. There are issues that could be point to a personality disorder, she had some learning difficulties, is dyslexic but functions fully as an adult although is difficult sometimes. But it's just who she is. Who is perfect anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
DowntonTrout · 09/08/2024 12:57

Prawncow · 09/08/2024 11:37

Are your daughter’s children your only grandchildren?

No. I have 4 grandchildren. DP has 2, but hasn't seen them in the time I have known him. I think he is unrealistic about young children's behaviour.

OP posts:
Prawncow · 09/08/2024 13:08

That’s kind of what I was wondering. It doesn’t sound like he’s close to his own children and he doesn’t see his grandchildren. As other posters have said, he seems to be unable to cope with pretty typical behaviour from children.

I pop over to gransnet sometimes and I’ve seen posts about men like this. Obviously not everyone likes DC but they don’t just avoid their partner’s grandchildren or go to their shed/go out. They make it miserable/stressful for their partners to have their family around. The women end up having to negotiate the frequency of their grandchildren’s visits or only seeing family out of the house.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 09/08/2024 13:09

MoveToParis · 09/08/2024 12:01

I also tend to think he is really quite immature. Does he react badly to all stressors? It does seem that he really chooses not to cope with the variety of people that life brings.

Could it be a case that your daughter “has the measure of him” and feels he isn’t someone who has earned her friendship or respect. It does come across that he doesn’t feel he owes her any respect as an adult with her own life, that he sees himself as her “elder and better” in which case he can get stuffed.

He doesn't cope well with stress. I believe he had some kind of breakdown in the past. I also believe there is a possibility of undiagnosed Asperger's maybe? He does not cope with problems or disruption very well, He takes a long time to process things. I find his quirkiness quite sweet usually although sometimes, like now, it is challenging.
DD does not have the measure of him though. She doesn't get him at all. Mostly because her father and other men around her are completely different macho types, loud, gregarious, show offy. DP is reserved and can be socially awkward if not in his comfort zone.

OP posts:
MotherJessAndKittens · 09/08/2024 13:12

The examples he is citing are normal behaviour for a 4 year old. Maybe he doesn't like children but sounds very odd to be adding all these things up and what a prick to be adding in about the work incident. My friend has had a black eye, scratches, bruised in places. She is a nurse working with troubled children. It is none of DP business and storing up these "incidents" are out of order. Couldn't live with someone like that.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/08/2024 13:17

It seems your DP does not want a relationship with your family. And I think it's awful that you felt the need to keep them out of the house on their last visit. He should go out if he can't cope with normal childhood behaviour.

I do think it is worth thinking about if you want to be with him long term. I think you will end on eggshells and your relationship with your DC and DGC damaged forever.

Olympi · 09/08/2024 13:19

The behavior mentioned sounds normal for a 4 yo. I'd be questioning a man who doesn't see any of his children or grandchildren, more than your daughters behavior.

He has clearly intended your daughter /you to see what he's shared. What a prick.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 09/08/2024 13:21

Prawncow · 09/08/2024 13:08

That’s kind of what I was wondering. It doesn’t sound like he’s close to his own children and he doesn’t see his grandchildren. As other posters have said, he seems to be unable to cope with pretty typical behaviour from children.

I pop over to gransnet sometimes and I’ve seen posts about men like this. Obviously not everyone likes DC but they don’t just avoid their partner’s grandchildren or go to their shed/go out. They make it miserable/stressful for their partners to have their family around. The women end up having to negotiate the frequency of their grandchildren’s visits or only seeing family out of the house.

Yes, this is the thing. I don't want to be in a place where we have to negotiate whether DD and grandchildren can visit. It feels so uncomfortable now, if I mention DD he gets tense so I'm then not minded to talk about her, which leads to him thinking I'm keeping things from him. It's crazy and I can't win.
I've said supporting me means just that, being supportive, not constantly demonising DD, even if she has an issue that she's brought on herself. I don't need him to rant about all her past demeanours, I need him to say sorry you're upset, do you want to talk about it, I can see you're worried, or such like.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 09/08/2024 13:23

All this would be too much work for me. Unblended is right. I don't think he will change so I would get rid. He sounds terribly childish using FB for passive aggressive digs.

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2024 13:35

Reading your update, there is no way I would ever put up with a man who made my DD or her DC feel uncomfortable for two nights twice a year! no matter what her back history.

WhysEverythingABallAche · 09/08/2024 13:40

Your DC didn’t ask to have him inflicted on them, causing them discomfort when they see their mum. His own kids don’t even want to know him.

Sounds like he’s the psychopath TBH He’s the one with the messed up relationships.