My DP and I are both divorced from our previous spouses after long marriages. Neither of us were anything to do with the breakups and did not meet until after his divorce and I had been separated for 18 months. We both have grown up children between the ages of 22 and 35. Since we have been living together none of our children have lived with us. They are all adults, with their own lives, living in various parts of the country, none nearer than 2 hours away, one is abroad.
I have a much closer relationship with my children than DP does with his as they blame him for leaving their mum 7 years ago and I can see it's been difficult for them. We have never had the opportunity to bond and they can be quite dismissive of me. I'm always happy to see them or have them to stay and make them welcome but it feels like they don't really want to have a relationship with me. Our respective children have never met each other.
2 of my children and their partners are great, visit often or we go there, have all done Christmases together etc and are totally accepting and friendly with DP.
My other DD has been less so. She doesn't "get" DP, And he doesn't get her. They seem to dislike each other. DP is critical of her parenting, rightly so sometimes, and has made comments and DD has gone off in a huff etc. On each of the 3 times she has come to stay there has been something that has triggered a fall out and creates tension.
There is a huge backstory with DD and while I won't go into it too much here, she has caused me many problems over the years. However she is my daughter and I love her and my grandkids.
Last night I saw a status on DP's FB about psychopaths and asked him what he'd posted it for? He said "well we both know one" and after some pushing he said it was my DD. I'm stunned. I found it inappropriate and completely passive aggressive and said that was not the way to communicate his feelings. Then he proceeded to go through every event over the last 2 years where he felt she was in the wrong. ie, didn't put a nappy on my granddaughter (4 yo) and she wet the bed, allowed granddaughter to run around the kitchen with a doll in a pram and he was tired. Said she told lies and exaggerated about being injured at work (behavioural school, got a black eye, have seen the pictures) and much more. I asked if this was his red line as at the end of the day she comes with me, will always be my daughter and if he doesn't feel he can just put these things aside for the short periods she visits (maybe 2 nights, twice a year) then we should call it a day.
I should say, the last visit, I took DD and kids out, kept them busy away from our home, without DP to avoid tension. He says it makes him so stressed, he doesn't feel he can discuss it with me because I will always take her side and he's always waiting for the next thing.
I on the other hand feel that while I do try and smooth things over and avoid confrontation between them do put my DD straight if I think she's in the wrong and can see both sides. I feel he should support me instead of making things awkward, get through it and then think "phew, they've gone, I can relax and forget about it for a few months now." But I don't know if that's an unreasonable expectation. I'm stuck in the middle here and don't really know how to handle it. On the one had, DD can be difficult but also funny, kind, supportive and does make an effort, not always successfully. . On the other DP sensitive, very straight, brought up very strictly, inflexible and doesn't have a close relationship with his kids. This whole thing is making me dislike him. Can we make this work or do I have to choose between them? Obviously it would have to mean the end of mine and DP's relationship.