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Original poster

Advice please.

32 replies

TwinMamaTee · 09/08/2024 08:07

Hi,

I've been out of the dating game for about 10 years or so. Single for 5 years.
Recently joined a dating app, more for window shopping really, but got a message from someone and we ended up chatting and getting along.
We chatted for 2 weeks before meeting up.
We didn't sleep together although did do other things, as we decided on a more casual sort of thing, although they are looking for a long term relationship.

I did find during the 2 weeks chatting, most of the times I would text first but would always get a reply.
We met at the weekend. I text the next day and got a reply.
Haven't heard from them since.
I'm sure if I messaged they'd reply, but I'm wondering that the fact they haven't sent a single message in 5 days means they aren't interested?
I know they work long hours with commuting, but surely a quick morning or evening text doesn't take much effort.

Are they just not interested or could they be genuinely busy and am I expecting too much in such early days?

I'm confused as they said they had a good time and liked me.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 09/08/2024 08:29

Well, they messaged you and you didn't reply? Is that right?

Maybe they don't want to double text.

Just message them. And if you don't get a reply, then leave it. Don't chase.

Cabbagepatchkid1 · 09/08/2024 08:37

If I’m understanding correctly and you’re having to start all the conversations then I’d pause and wait for them to message and put the effort in.

SamW98 · 09/08/2024 08:42

So they sent the last message, you haven’t replied and you’re wondering why you’ve not heard from them? Hes probably thinking the same tbh.

Just message something light and leave it at that.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 08:45

No, I text, they reply. The conversation ended, and I haven't heard since.

It's me that always has text first, never them, although they always reply and we have a nice chat.

And when we met the weekend, we said how we'd meet again this weekend, and they said how a week isn't that long and will go by fast, so it's like they wanted to see each other again.

I'm not sure if it's normal to go days between messages at this stage and I'm just expecting too much as it's been so long since I did this, or if it's a sign they aren't really interested.

We're both in our late 30s, so not kids.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 08:48

I'm worried if I always text first, I'll look needy or something.
Tbh I've never actually dated before, my relationships previously have always been with people I already knew, so I've never had to do the whole talking/getting to know each other stage before.

BlastedPimples · 09/08/2024 08:49

Yeah I think it's a sign they're not interested. Not really. Perhaps someone else has popped up and interests them more.

The thing is, if someone is interested, you will have no confusion about it. They will be clear, proactive and leave no question in your mind about their interest.

You need to find one of those and not waste headspace on someone who leaves you wondering.

Can you go on a date with someone else? Or do something fun for yourself?

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 08:56

Ye that's what I was worried about.
I just don't understand why they give mixed signals.
At our age people should be able to just be straight and say if they don't want to continue.

I'm not sure I'll try again, don't think I've got it in me to handle rejection constantly right now.

samanthablues · 09/08/2024 09:07

OP: you're doing all the work here which is a red flag, you're chasing this man and he knows it so he seems to be putting minimal effort because he knows he has you "in the bag", in his mind it's "chase over". My advice: don't chase a man, nothing good will come out of it and he'll take you for granted. Make him know "you're available", nothing wrong with initiating a couple times but don't chase men, specially online strangers. Put this one on hold and continue meeting people. He may be lying about looking for something long term, he may be seeing other people or he may not be into you that much, god knows. Greener pastures. You're going to face rejection many times in online dating, ghosting of all sorts so either you develop a thick skin or you step aside and re-think how to approach OLD in a better way.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 09:19

Thanks. It's a bit annoying because I liked him and he seemed really nice. It took a lot for me to do this so don't think I'll be trying again anytime soon.

BlastedPimples · 09/08/2024 09:49

Well, you have to have a thick skin to date.

And you weren't exactly in a serious relationship.

I wouldn't let one poor experience put you off.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/08/2024 11:01

we decided on a more casual sort of thing, although they are looking for a long term relationship.

I winced when I read that. Basically they are giving the bare bones to you in terms of communication and engaging in some level of sexual activity while looking for a long term relationship. They don’t think you are good enough for that, you’re just a warm body place filler.

Raise your bar. They are not offering what you want so move on.

CowGirl19 · 09/08/2024 11:14

mmm

On the one hand it does sound you are making all the effort for communication.

But on the other hand you say you agreed "on a more casual thing". The issue with that is that different people will interpret "casual" in sooo many different ways it could be that you are both expecting totally different things from this. Maybe he thinks you're just after a FWB and he will only contact you if he wants to hook up?? On the other hand - perhaps you meant "casual" in the occasional date but not to move to fast into a proper relationship?

Its so early days that you probably haven't yet had these conversations of what is expected - hence your confusion over what him not texting you means. It possibly means nothing - and he still wants to meet up with you.

Who knows - until you have a full conversation you wont know what each other expect.

Weather you want to get into that is entirely up to you and if you can be bothered and how you feel about him.

Dont let this put you off online dating it can be extremely fun - but you absolutely do need very think skin.

samanthablues · 09/08/2024 11:28

’m also not sure you can handle “casual” OP, you’ve been in a couple dates with this guy, done some “hanky panky” yet here you are very emotionally invested in this “stranger”, waiting him to text you and opening threads on MN. He might be taking it “casual”, but you’re not.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 12:28

Hmm, I think you may be right.

Just to make it clearer as I'm not sure I've explained properly.

This person is looking for a long term relationship.

I suggested something a bit more casual due to potentially relocating out of area soon.

But we were getting along really well, they said they find me really attractive and would sort out taking me on an actual date (we had discussed maybe not having dates as it probably wouldn't be long term) but they want to do that, they talked about meeting again this weekend.

After Monday, I decided to see if they'd message me, as I was aware it seemed to be me making the first contact. And as of yet, I've heard nothing.

I can't tell if it's just the initial excitement clouding me, but I felt some sort of connection. But maybe in confused about that.

I guess I thought we were also mature enough to let the other know if we decided not to proceed any further.

Then I've let my head run away, what if this, what if that.
Definitely don't think I'm as ready as I thought to do the dating scene, I thought I was secure enough in myself now but maybe not.

Appreciate all views, thanks.

Catoo · 09/08/2024 13:23

Firstly OP you’ve changed user account and your replies aren’t standing out.

Secondly they said they liked you and are looking for a relationship. You said I’m moving soon so I can’t commit and want casual.

You want different things. I’m not at all surprised they aren’t texting. Who would knowingly get attached to someone who is moving away?

Also your OP suggests they replied last. So it’s your turn to msg?

SamW98 · 09/08/2024 13:31

Being honest if the roles were reversed and a woman posted she’s looking for a LTR and the guy has told her he only wants casual, most comments would be saying walk away and find someone who wants the same as you.

Maybe he’s realised you can’t give him what he’s looking for so he’s pulled back but I wouldn’t pursue this as you’re looking for totally different things.

Seaoftroubles · 09/08/2024 13:33

I think the usual advice of to match their energy gives you an idea of how interested they are. However you are due a follow up text to them so maybe send that and if its met with a lack lustre response then move on.

samanthablues · 09/08/2024 14:11

If someone told me: “I’m relocating” “let’s keep it casual” etc.. I too would loose interest OP.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 14:59

Oh, not sure how I've.got.my usernames swapped. Sorry, I'm so bad at technology lol.

Hmm, no I see what you guys are saying. Thanks. I do appreciate the different views.
Maybe it is because of what's been suggested and I never thought of that.

samanthablues · 09/08/2024 15:05

I would sit with the guy, have a proper conversation and let him know that you would like to date him and interested in getting to know him better. If he’s still acting wishy washy and doing the hot and cold then I would dump him and continue looking.

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 15:16

Ye I think you're right. Thank you.
I'll text him later when he finishes work and see what happens.
I guess I thought I could do the whole casual thing with someone. I didn't think I'd want more.

taylorswift1989 · 09/08/2024 15:31

I wouldn't bother OP. It sounds like neither of you are really that interested. Agree it's not a good sign if you're always the one who has to initiate communication. Just suggests he's not that into it. I'd leave it and move on.

Newbeginning12 · 09/08/2024 15:35

@TwinMamaTee had you not decided it was casual anyway?

H112 · 09/08/2024 15:44

If a man is interested in you, you'll know. He will text first and you won't even wonder who does what first. On to the next one!

TwinMama88 · 09/08/2024 15:56

I suppose I thought I was ready to meet someone just for some fun and adult company and I'd be ok with that.
But I think that actually, I'd prefer a relationship or stay single, I just didn't realise until now.

Don't get me wrong, we've only known each other nearly a month, so it wouldn't be a relationship yet anyway, but I think I'd prefer to go for something that has potential to turn into one rather than just a fwb type situation.
It's hard as I have no idea how he feels about it all, and I'm feeling a bit sad that he hasn't thought of me at all to text.

I'm not good with humans at the best of times, thanks to being ND, so social cues are already a bit of a mystery at times, which I think is making it harder to know what are the right/wrong things to do when knowing someone for this length of time.