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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - paranoid or justified?

35 replies

Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 04:22

I'm 47, left long term partner of 26 yrs and father of my older teenage girls in 2001, went online dating, horrendous experience with a guy that turned out to be married and honestly the details are beyond belief but slightly relevant to the now situation because I have zero trust. A couple of other brief relationships that also turned out to be with lying men.

Fast forward... I'm dating a guy who is in the armed forces.. essentially a couple of red flags..
1 his phone is always set to line busy if I ever try to call

2 his WiFi/data is beyond sketchy and often messages don't go through

3 I asked about his recent dating history and he said his last short relationship was as follows..."Well she wasn’t tall as you are but certainly was beautiful and very sweet, But you both are different and unique in your own ways
Mutual it was when ended because she moved away, she was a lovely lady I must say" I only asked if she was anything like me, I appreciate his honesty but frankly I feel it was unnecessary detail, a bit insensitive and I would never have done similar to him.
Am I being unreasonable!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 04:27

P.s ...I asked about WiFi.. he said bad on camp and he only uses his data which goes in and out if he moves just an inch.

I raised the ex date comments and he sent disingenuous back pedal compliments and made reference to his ex wife not the actual lady I was talking about 😔

OP posts:
witsendhelppleaae · 09/08/2024 04:47

Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 04:27

P.s ...I asked about WiFi.. he said bad on camp and he only uses his data which goes in and out if he moves just an inch.

I raised the ex date comments and he sent disingenuous back pedal compliments and made reference to his ex wife not the actual lady I was talking about 😔

I dated a guy in the RAF and he couldn't rally message me during the day when he was on camp working. The signal was rubbish but also he was quite busy. I wouldn't look too much into that.

I think we are all guilty of being insecure when it comes to past partners. Part of us wants to know what they were like but then we end up constantly comparing ourselves and thinking really shitty things.

Are you sure you are 100% ready to date lovely? Sounds like you've had some really rubbish experiences and it's knocked you a bit. Remember there's no love like self love 🥰

TinyYellow · 09/08/2024 04:47

Why are you asking him to compare you to his exes? You can’t do things like that then be surprised that you don’t like the answers.

Josette77 · 09/08/2024 05:08

You asked, he answered.

What's wrong with him saying his ex was beautiful?

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:11

I understand what you are saying, I didn't ask to be compared I asked if I was anything like her x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:16

Josette77 ... there's nothing wrong persay, but it felt a little flattening to have him be so gushing about her. I get it - it might be my problem - and I own that and ok with it . I wouldn't be so abundantly zealous with very surface level compliments about my ex's because I think it's disrespectful and I know I wouldn't appreciate it.

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 09/08/2024 05:18

I asked if I was anything like her

This is asking for a comparison, OP.

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:18

witsendhelppleaae

Really appreciate your response - In all honesty I am a bit broken by recent experiences and treading very carefully. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:21

Teanbiscuits33 I guess I'll have to accept that. Putting aside my mistake - what do you actually think about his response!?

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 09/08/2024 05:26

I think he perhaps could have avoided going into detail about her being beautiful, but then again, he was being honest. I think if he’d have given a closed yes or no answer, you would have asked for further details anyway, would you not? You probably would have asked out of curiousity, especially if your own self esteem is low, which it seems like it is.

Perhaps if you are thinking this deeply into things at this stage you should consider being single until you’ve worked on it a bit. You might be right in that he might be telling you she was beautiful to make you feel insecure, but it depends on context. Why did you ask about his past relationship?

AquaFurball · 09/08/2024 05:29

You don't sound ready to date and maybe he's not over his ex.

You're just going to make yourself even more insecure thinking about it, this isn't the relationship for you.

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:34

Teanbiscuits33

Thanks for your reply.. it's a good question and I'm not entirely sure what I expected - just not that!
I'm not sure he said it to make me feel insecure? But because it only ended based on geography it's left me feeling anxious. I guess very likely they are still in contact - that's not ok with me and maybe unreasonable but I've had a shit show that I have to take responsibility for, and I do. It's interesting how quickly a few responses have said I'm not ready - likely true, but I don't think I'll ever really get over what has happened to me so is that it for me? I'm saying no... and I guess the right person will make me feel assured - because I would for them and I can't change who I am x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:36

AquaFurball

I think you're probably right... so I guess I have potentially got the answer I needed versus wanted! Xx

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Inspireme2 · 09/08/2024 05:38

Well at least he is complimentary towards his ex and you did ask, I do not understand why then to be upset by the response.
Someones beautiful could be anothers adverage.
I was asked by someones wife if his ex was beautiful as he boasted, I failed to see the beauty. (Eg).
If you are having a sucession of bad experiences perhaps slow it down and be selective taking your time or learn to be on your own for sometime.
Dating is all fun and definetly games.

Teanbiscuits33 · 09/08/2024 05:43

Have you considered therapy? Or reading some psychology books on building self esteem etc and recognising red flags and developing boundaries? It isn’t the end but people tend to repeat patterns if they don’t learn from them.

You should always have an element of scepticism, but not such that it interferes with your ability to form healthy relationships. Ultimately, it’s YOUR relationship, and and anything that makes YOU uncomfortable and you see as a red flag, then end it. It doesn’t matter about others opinions. It’s what you’re comfortable with. Listen to your own gut.

Thebellofstclements · 09/08/2024 05:44

Speaking well of an ex reflects well on him, doesn't it?

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:45

Inspireme2

Thanks for your message, I think it's very understandable to be a little confused. I'm 47, I'm a good person, I work hard, I single parent 2 teenage girls, I'm getting old, I am trying to be ok with what happens to us as we fast approach 50! I have had some shite experiences - I am a bit damaged and I definitely a bit needy!😂 That's ok if I'm mindful and yes I'll try to take some time out - if you can tell my libido that, please do!😂😉

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:46

Thebellofstclements

It does - I absolutely accept that x

OP posts:
Userxyd · 09/08/2024 05:47

What's your relationship like otherwise? He sounds a bit creepy tbh saying she was beautiful lovely and that it ended mutually because she moved away- how is that mutual on his side?! But otherwise I always think it's a good sign if someone is nice about their exes. Shows they're not bitter, hopefully moved on, grown up behaviour etc.
Depends what he's like the rest of the time. Why were you talking about his ex in the first place? Do you think he's over her? I wouldn't worry if everything else is great though - just one of those tricky topics.

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:49

Teanbiscuits33

Well said lovely x
I do want some therapy - can't afford it sadly. Hence this oversharing and honest post! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:52

Userxyd

Thanks - I agree with you. And no, I'm not totally ok with everything else - the no calls and inconsistent messages going through - it's quite triggering for me. I trust my gut but this situation is a bit of a conundrum!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:55

If anyone can recommend some foc therapy please share x

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 09/08/2024 05:57

Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 05:52

Userxyd

Thanks - I agree with you. And no, I'm not totally ok with everything else - the no calls and inconsistent messages going through - it's quite triggering for me. I trust my gut but this situation is a bit of a conundrum!

if it’s making you this uncomfortable, it’s a no, OP. Relationships should be easy, especially in the early days. Even if he’s a lovely man, the dynamic is triggering for you, so it isn’t right for you. Find someone who makes you feel secure. If you find that all relationships make you feel anxious though, you should take some time out from relationships full stop.

Cinai · 09/08/2024 05:57

I can’t comment on the signal thing because I have no experience with armed forces, but I don’t find the comment about the ex bad. You asked how you compare to her, he answered. It sounds like you’ve set him up for failure with this question, I think I’d find it quite difficult to answer better than he did if I’d been asked this question out of the blue. Are you maybe not ready to date and trying to self-sabotage?

Original poster
Fedup46 · 09/08/2024 06:02

Cinai

Definitely not trying to self sabotage! The opposite! Trying to get unity and support. I didn't set him up for failure I don't think - I know I would have answered more empathetically - maybe I'm being oversensitive or unreasonable but I asked chatGpt and it said I was justified 😂 please read the humour I intended with that!

But appreciate your candid response x

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